I just feel stupid

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(@holly77)
Posts: 5
Topic starter
 

I've been living with my partner for eight years, this afternoon it all started to make sense, I don't even know if they're gambling or not but it seems highly likely. 

After living here a few months they said that they were desperate for money and had borrowed it from they're daughters bank account, I sold my motorcycle and gave her two grand. 

The car broke down, and I got a loan of five thousand to buy her a car, within a couple of months she ran her daughter up to her boyfriend in London, ignored an engine warning light and blew the car engine, I needed her to drive us to work and so I borrowed another five thousand for another car... A boiler eighteen hundred, shower five hundred, another eighteen hundred to get the car through the mot..

I pay most of the bills about 70%, she is now running six credit cards a loan, and this morning asked me for more money for this year's mot.

I've been off sick for seven months after suffering a heart attack, every morning she goes to her friends a known heavy gambler, she says she only goes for a cup of tea.

I'm at my witts end, I've changed all the passwords on my bank account.

She's threatened to end our relationship puffing and panting about who she won't pay this month, so she can get her mot..

All this has happened over eight years, reading it like this, I wonder why I've been so stupidly sucked into all this. 

 
Posted : 4th January 2022 5:21 pm
(@jeanydog)
Posts: 27
 

You are a generous and trusting person.  I hope you manage to get some clarity soon. X

 

 
Posted : 4th January 2022 11:10 pm
(@maxmaher)
Posts: 144
 

It certainly worries me just how much of a credit bubble we are currently in feels like we are heading into a recession worse than 2008 as absolutely everyone i seem to speak to in the UK has got credit cards, loans and car finance coming out of their ears 

If the bank does increase the base rate further this year and i am fairly confident they will a lot of this never never debt people keep accumulating is going to become a lot more expensive probably to the point where people will start going insolvent 

Your partner currently sounds like a prime candidate for the above scenario so i would begin to distance myself both financially and psychologically quickly 

 

 
Posted : 5th January 2022 9:28 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5944
Admin
 

Hi Holly

Sorry to hear all of this and well done for posting. 

We always say to firm boundaries and no bailouts and to always keep money in separate accounts and as secure as possible. It is really difficult for affected others when in these situations when feeling that you are doing the right thing for people and things like this happen, but never feel like you have been stupid. 

If there's any money or debt concerns It might be a good idea to speak with an organization called step change - they offer free independent money advice and can help you build a plan . The number is 0800 138 1111

Please feel free to contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or via our online chat facility to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.

All the best 

Kirk 

Forum Admin 

This post was modified 2 years ago by Forum admin
 
Posted : 5th January 2022 10:50 am
(@holly77)
Posts: 5
Topic starter
 

Thank you so much for replying, I didn't know what else to do. 

I've stuck to my guns, normally, I would have just caved in and payed the bill. She went to bed early, saying that things were not going the way she wanted. 

Her last partner was a drug addict and stole everything she had to buy drugs including leaving her in substantial debt, I'm now begining not to believe any of this. 

I know she plays online poker, but she gets extremely angry when I mention money.. How do i open a conversation about her gambling. 

After last years eighteen hundred pound mot bill, I suggested she opened a separate account for the car because mots come round every year, and it's an expected bill. I even gave her the money to do this despite me being off sick. I'm returning to work next week. 

I'm a nurse and she's a carer, and she knows I earn more than she does, but I'm not going to be penalised for this, I'm not in debt, I pay my credit card off every month, I have an overdraft which I never use. I'm seven years from retirement, and I need to be saving not increasing my borrowings, to constantly clear the next crisis around the corner. 

So despite all this I care deeply for her, how do i get her to at least acknowledge that she has a problem, and get some help. Or do I just get out of here, what's the success rate of addiction problems 

 
Posted : 5th January 2022 12:20 pm
(@pep1952)
Posts: 163
 

Please don’t feel stupid Holly. I was in the exact same position as you are. It’s because we care deeply about the person and therefore just want them to be happy.
If my partner did not confess to me, i never would have even have the slightest clue. All i thought was that he always had poor financial management.  Same as your partner, he’d easily get annoyed and super defensive whenever i mentioned anything related to money. I was manipulated to the point that i got scared whenever there is an unforeseen expense in the house for example that i would offer to pay for it because i knew it will cause him anxiety. In a way i was groomed never to ask for money all because of his, unbeknownst to me at the time, gambling addiction.

But we are in recovery now, so there is hope if your partner will own up to their actions and will be committed to put in the hard work. My partner will be 2 years sober next month. We’ve never felt more connected than now and we’re at a really good place. He’s working on himself and i’m also working on myself making sure none of us get complacent and we both continuously heal in this process.
I wish you all the best and i hope you keep on writing here.

Pep

This post was modified 2 years ago 2 times by Pep1952
 
Posted : 5th January 2022 6:27 pm
(@holly77)
Posts: 5
Topic starter
 

Thank you for taking the time to reply pep, I'm sat here waiting for her to come home from work. 

You are so right when you say that we get worried whenever there is a bill in which we dont expect, she never has money and I always feel guilty that I can't clear them up to save the stress.

I havnt had a holiday in the eight years that I've known her, it's like anything to do with bills or money is top secret, I wish id never said OK to giving her control of the bills, and I would just gave her a lump sum every month, to me it made things easier, little did I know what was to come.

I'm glad there is at least some hope, I need to find out exactly how much she is in debt tonight. 

 
Posted : 5th January 2022 7:35 pm
(@pep1952)
Posts: 163
 

Another thing i learned is that we should never take their word for it. Trust but verify. So if you really want to know the debt situation, you need to have access to their credit report. Credit karma provides a free credit report where you can see everything .

You’re not alone Holly, i learned loads from this forum and i’m sure you will keep on getting useful advice here as well. 

 
Posted : 5th January 2022 8:09 pm
(@holly77)
Posts: 5
Topic starter
 

Well it's fifteen grand on six cards and a loan... 

I just told her I could get a more preferential rate. Which is the first lie I've told her in eight years. 

I have no intention of paying her credit cards and loan to enable her to continue gambling. 

Tomorrow I'll tackle where the debt came from. I take it from what I've read today that fifteen grand is not a lot in gambling terms? 

 

 
Posted : 5th January 2022 8:39 pm
(@holly77)
Posts: 5
Topic starter
 

Thanks for the pointer to credit karma pep, I'll do a credit check on her, I'm learning fast, I don't want to lose her, but I'm certainly not going to put up with things the way they are. 

Thanks for your time pep ?

 
Posted : 5th January 2022 8:43 pm
(@johnmac)
Posts: 61
 
Posted by: Holly77

 

I know she plays online poker, but she gets extremely angry when I mention money.. How do i open a conversation about her gambling. 

 

The fact you actually know some of her activity is gambling, is pretty much conclusive I would say. She revealed that to you I presume openly? Do you see any of that?

If she's been hiding a problem, then having a conversation is even more difficult. She will try any way to avoid it, I know, I did and still do to some extent. Just to warn, she is not likely to be open or willing to discuss it, in particular if you make demands. Calmness is difficult, but the best way to address her issues, even if she herself is not calm about it.

 
Posted : 6th January 2022 1:58 pm
(@johnmac)
Posts: 61
 

Just wanted to add, how did she respond when you opened the conversation about her debt? That didn't sound to bad to be honest from what you said. That's a positive sign.

 
Posted : 6th January 2022 2:28 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5944
Admin
 

Hello Holly77,

Sorry you're going through all this with your partner. It sounds like it's damaging you financially and emotionally, yet you care for them deeply and want the best for them. 

Just a note on your plan to check their credit report, you can only do this with your partner's permission. It is their data. It's frustrating to say the least when your loved one is not giving you the transparency you need from them. I'd like to echo Kirk's suggestion that you contact the Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or by livechat any time if you'd like to talk this over and get more support. 

Best wishes

Deirdre
Forum Admin

 
Posted : 7th January 2022 9:48 am

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