On Thursday I found out my husband of 27yrs is a CG and has been for years. This I can forgive with time but what came with the already new found deceit is something I can’t, I don’t know who he is and am sick to the core to discover the length he has gone to.
In 2013 his brother discovered odd transactions on their dads accounts. His dad is disabled. The brother then challenged my husband and found out he was gambling and had stolen in excess of 30k from his Dad. He then begged his brother and wife to not tell me. This secret has laid buried all these years. Then last year his dad died. This meant that when the estate was divided the secret would come out. Basically on discovering the theft the Will was changed to allow his brother a larger lump of the estate. And boy did s*** hit the fan when the house completed and I saw that we had not received the equal split as my husband then had to reveal all.
My husband believes he started gambling in 2007 using cash from his business. This business collapsed in 2008 and we ended up in an IVA. I believed it had been the recession that year causing the businesses failure I now know this not to be the case. He nearly lost us everything that year and I had no idea. As we entered the Iva his income was restricted so he could no longer access funds that were not monitored so he began stealing from his Dad.
How am I ever meant to get my head round this, I’ve had no idea all these years none at all as he never used the personal accounts. He has moved out and at this time I’ve decided we are done as I can’t see me ever forgiving him. He has totally deceived me, cheated our children out of their inheritance and nearly lost our home back in 2008! So much adds up now I feel so stupid so stupid. How did I not know? I can’t forgive him and now 27yrs of my life has gone like that.
I am so very sorry to hear your story - I discovered that my husband of almost 30yrs is a compulsive gambler just over a year ago now and I too am struggling to forgive him. I too feel like the past 30yrs has just gone and it is hard to not feel it was a waste, but is it important to focus on the good things (your children?), otherwise it is unbearable.
I totally understand how difficult it is and how you feel - the shock, the lies, the betrayal - it is too much.
I am sorry that it has affected your children's inheritance too - it is easy to look back and blame yourself for not seeing the 'signs' but you are not to blame for his actions and deceit. You trusted your husband - why wouldn't you? That's what marriage is- right!!
It has taken me a long time to accept that I am not responsible - he chose to do this.
Compulsive Gambling is a serious illness and it changes people - I too don't recognise my husband and have had to mourn the loss of my relationship (what it was anyway - I think that is gone) - although we are still living together - every day I question the relationship.
Has your husband expressed any remorse, does he recognise the problem/want to get help/change?
He needs to seek help and I have learned you cannot do this for him.
Also you need support to work through this as it consumes every area of your life - Gam Care have help available, GamAnon meetings can be useful.
I hope you will be able to get the help you need and sometimes just knowing you are not alone in having to deal with the aftermath of this terrible addiction can help.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
Hi angel pie 16
you must be devastated. What a shock.
Please don’t punish yourself or question why you didn’t know. Gamblers go to great lengths to keep it secret. Their world becomes a mesh of lies and moving money. Their brains are scrambled, all logic and morality goes out the window!
I believe that a gambler cannot gamble without an enabler. I also have been lied to by other family members keeping their secrets. It’s very hard to deal with.
I would recommend that you get some support from GamCare, also gamanon (go to the website).
This is a time for you to look after yourself emotionally and financially. There are numerous things you can do to protect your share of money and assets. Tenants in common, cifas, gamstop, credit report.
please get some real help and advice.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Ironically it was my ex wife who sent me a message a few years ago, despite everything I put her through. To paraphrase it said "sometimes good people make bad choices, it doesn't mean they are bad. It means they are human". Change human for a compulsive gambler and that's a more accurate description.
Unfortunately as a compulsive gambler we do things and hide things from others that we would never normally do. It is so difficult for someone who's not a compulsive gambler to understand without judgement but that's okay. You've had this massive shock.
If you are able to see past the money and look at your husband having an addiction or an illness maybe you could give him a chance to talk and you listen. If you can't then try gam-anon which helps the non gambler. Whatever you choose to do though is your choice and fine.
For him there is hope and redemption if he works at it.
All the best in finding your own peace over this.
I completely second this message.
This is not making excuses for how your husband has behaved as I could not image how you feel but as Chris has said "unfortunately as a compulsive gambler we do things and hide things from others that we would never normally do".
Reading your post has made me stop and think a little more deeply about my actions and the hurt this addiction causes to the outside circle.
I originally admitted my problem to my partner 2 years ago when my brain snapped and i had to face up to who i was becoming. He was shocked but supportive. It was hard to explain to him and my family the why, that it was an escape for me, something i couldn't control any longer, a chance to feel something even though there was amazing things going on around me. I'm not sure they ever have understood properly how could they?
I hated the hiding but i was too ashamed to tell the truth. I still am. I have joined and decactivated Gamstop numerous times each time thinking ill be okay but then falling again.
Whilst i'm on the ban and he thinks i'm doing okay, i have continued quietly on the side using others accounts. That's not the everyday me, i'm to ashamed to admit it again though.... With my mum I tell her "im in control" and with a laugh "its not like im drinking, its a quick £10.00, what harm can it do?" then i play. I can not go to any crazy extent but the fact i can easily manipulate family into letting me use their account is something that makes me feel sick. Who does that?
I am a good person except I have this one flaw which runs deep and needs to be handled as i would hate to hurt somebody I love and make them feel your pain.
This is not an excuse but my truth.. Once im in that moment, it is hard to step out and see how my actions are hurting my loved ones, even if they dont know it..
Thank you for sharing your story and i hope you are able to work things out slowly and truthfully on his part. Just reading your post has brought me the head hanging shame which on this nice day hurts but is a story i needed to hear before its to late. I do not always think about others.
The fact you have come on here to share and understand is a huge positive and i hope he appreciates you for that xx
We remain separated. It's not the gambling I could have worked with that its the deceit and the depth of his lies and what he did to his dad and family. We remain amicable and he is over most days to see the kids. It feels normal. I like him going home as I don't feel anywhere near ready to be a couple at the moment. It strange how discovering your marriage is such a lie and no longer recognising the man before you that love can feel no longer relevant. I have no trust in him and so disgusted at his actions. I still beat myself up daily at how I had not known even at the beginning I have known him to go to a betting shop or anything. He went to his first GA meeting this week via zoom and got a lot from it. He was open about what went on but tbh I had to encourage him to go as he said he would go 2 weeks ago and hadn't. I raised it as he said 2 weeks ago he was going so I asked if he had been he gave all sorts of excuses and I think he saw from my look of disappointment how I felt. We have a long long path to go and I am not sure if our relationship will ever recover from this.
How are you doing?
Sorry to hear you're feeling how you are feeling, but you do need to look after yourself.
Maybe you could try Gam-anon which is for partners and friends of compulsive gamblers. Even if you aren't together it might help you understand but also see that you're not alone and non of this is your fault. I'm not saying you think that anyway but it's a huge shock and our minds play such crazy games.
I beat myself up daily that my gambling ruined my marriage but I'm happy that my ex is now happy. It's been eight years but I have done so much worse to myself during that time that she made the right decision back then.
Otherwise I'm fine really, just working hard to stay clean, make amends and help others.