hi there everyone im not really sure where to start..
basically myself and my partner have been together just over 3 years, we're engaged and have a 5 month old and he has a daughter from a previous relationship.
anway, he has a massive problem with gambling, the exact extent im not sure of as he always lies and his story changes every time the issue is brought up. He gambles on sports, online on his phone and on slots. im at a loss for what to do because ive forgiven him the countless amount of times hes 'slipped up' and 'made a mistake' by gambling large amounts of money. letters always come through the door about this debt and this debt (over a grand unpaid council tax, water bills unpaid, tv licence old credit cards etc) and im terrified everytime someone knocks the door incase its bailiffs. he gets defensive and argumentative everytime i try and help by sorting the debts but ultimately its down to him as everything is in his name but he never sorts anything out just ignores it and its getting worse and worse.
he has a very well paying job which i initially thought would help our situation but its just making things worse as hes gambling more and more and its getting out of control. theres been times when theres no gas electric, food, petrol in the car and its an awful situation to be in especially with a young baby. theres been times when ive hoped she wouldnt wake for an extra feed in the night because we had no money to buy more milk.
i dont really know what the point in this is perhaps some advice or words of advice ? i cant speak to him about it because he gets angry that im upset.
thank you all
Hi
You have made a very positive step by joining the forum. What you are doing is very important to save any quality of life you have.
Your last line sums up the twisted mess a gambling addiction is. Lets look at that part of it "he gets angry that Im upset"
that is the delusional mind control he is under. Why wouldnt you be upset..look at the stress you have taken on for something that isnt your fault....but hes blaming you for being upset
The truth is that he is angry he has been found out. He is angry that he has no control...... he is angry about the money he has chucked away, he is angry that he is an addict because he is scared and confused about the hold it has on him
You can only help from a position of strength. A gambling addiction is a drug addiction and there is no shame in saying its not acceptable to you. There is also no shame in him fully admitting a problem if he is ready to stop.
You are dealing with one of the worst addictions going. Im sorry to say that you have to protect yourself and that means the finances keeping a roof over your head and the children fed.
There is help for you and you can get advice from us from gamcare and at a Gam anon meeting. My view is that you have put up with too much. Im not saying he is a bad person but an addiction is an illness.
Im sorry but you forgiving him has not and will not help. Only when he is in full recovery can he build some pride again. I dont know your relationship but this is no time to be a shrinking violet about gambling. If he is likely to get angry or violent there is support for you.
Its a time for ultimatums and not a blind love where you pick up the pieces. Ive been a gambler and I wouldnt live with one...thats the seriousness of it because I know the full dangers and the new lows it has stored up.
Im not saying confront him tonight...I am saying pick your moment when you are more knowledgable, protected and ready
You will get advice here from partners and from ex gamblers. Embrace the forum because it will help you learn. You need to know what you are dealing with.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
thank you so much for taking the time to reply. he never has ben violent and i really dont think he ever would be. he gets so defensive whenever i get close to knowing the truth. I suppose it comes from a scared place. However an enforecemtn agent came to the house this morning for £1615 unpaid council tax. I want to make it work as there is love there in the relationship and we're a family however its hurting me emotionally as my trust gets build up again and again and broken down. Its at the point where i dont believe him when he says it will stop because I've heard it all before.. its a sad situation but your words have reaffirmed by suspicions thank you for going out of your way x
Hi sf how frightening for you. Call stepchange they will advise you on what to do if the bailiffs come. Citizens advice, debt camel are others. This is unacceptable, destructive behaviour. That is a massive wake up call for him. He needs serious help. You can find help and support at a gamanon meeting. This is his debt and his alone. No bailouts from anyone. Try and get him to transfer some of his salary to you to pay for food. His debt comes last after all household expenses. If he can't pay he should contact stepchange too. He can block gambling sites and sign up to gamstop. This will get worse if he continues. If he's depressed he should see his gp. He will not be able to stop alone, willpower won't pay his debts. He's in cloud cuckoo land thinking he's going to win big, but he's just feeding an addiction now. You 've got to be strong and take control. Waiting for a gambler to stop and get help is futile. Find a meeting, call gamcare, get some help asap. I would imagine this is a lot worse than you think if he's not paying council tax yet earns good money. Please don't ignore this.
SF180011
I adore my wife and love my children. I may break conventions here but we have a good and solid relationship and I will do anything for her and I know we will never part.
Despite all of this she knows she has to protect herself financially. I have before and am very capable of much destruction in the shortest of times. Money or credit I cannot be trusted with. I am capable of spending thousands even when I know I am betraying the people I love and that I should not do it. The thought of suicide has felt like my only worthy thought after these acts.
Unless he admits his problem and seeks some sort of help then it will be a difficult road for you. My wife controls my finances yet unless it is water tight I have found ways to get money. My wife is signed up to Gamstop so I cannot gamble in her name.
In the age of the internet there is help in many places. Many here will talk of GA but there is much more than that if that does not seem palatable to him. Smart Recovery is just one of the many other ways to tackle this problem. We are all different and although for me I could gamble away my house right now, I could never turn to violence.
Admission of a problem, allowing you to take control of the finances for however long necessary , seeking help. In my experience things only get worse until they start to get better. It's how we gamblers are.
Likewise.
Despite my wife and my 3 kids being the most important thing in my life, I have been destructive in the past.
I now know how to protect them from that and it has become part of my focus for recovery. I don;t have a bank account....well I do, but its a joint one.
I have access to money and could do whatever I want with it, but by my wife seeing everything in and out, that's enough for me! I wouldn't dare!
In the past I did whatever I wanted, but because I made this decision and its on my terms, it's done something inside me. It's challenged me to stick to the plan I created. Maybe involving him some way in making a decision that will move you forward as a family will help?? If you could get him in on here and reading some stuff it would really help.
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