Hi all I have been with my partner for 3 and a half years until 15th October 2020 he had his own home always held down a job paid his own bills inadvertently asked me for nothing,,, but I've never trusted him there has always been something in the back if my mind I find him sneaky.
Rewind to 2018 I looked on his phone because of these feelings (yes I shouldn't of done this but I did) he regularly was searching beautiful young girls on fb (no chat history however I feel he deleted it) still had an active online dating account and then came the gambling!
He admitted after his mum passed away in 2012 he has been gambling on football but kept it very light and said it was a pass time for him only ever had a 10 pound bet here or there.
Since then I have caught him out numerous times hes had numerous accounts all different sites but he assured me he was done with everything.
I have 4 children he has 3 ive been alone with my 4 right through lock down as we lived separate this didn't seem to bother him at all he likes being alone (i wonder why) ive also been poorly with a few conditions but still I run around after him and all 7 children, due to lock down I lost my job him and his ex treat me as a carer for their disabled son while they work.
Fast forward to today he moved in in oct due to the sale of his house he has a lot of money in the bank which is being used to make adaptations to my property to house his children also I had a gut feeling a week ago so I went on his online banking in oct alone he put £1100 into online gambling hes never paid me a penny since we lived together towards any bills and also talked me into giving up my maintainace from my ex husband ive paid for everything for Christmas and seen not a penny from him he blames it all on being depressed I just do not believe a word im so sorry for the long post but im broken and feel so alone!
trust your gut intuition every time, gamblers lie its a sad fact of this disease, and it seems like you are hes buffer, by paying hes bills and rent and keeping a roof over hes head. you are enabling him to continue gambling, is this true love or a relationship of convenience for him. only you can answer that question, but i suspect from your post you already know the answer to the question. if he lives under your roof he needs to be paying hes share that way you wont feel as if your are being used for your financial support and your relationship can move on, put down some ground rules, explain to him that you are struggling financially and you need him to contribute if he rejects this, its probably best that you move on, i know easier said than done. but if you don't things wont change and if anything he will become more dependant financially on you, and probably you will see any saving you have vanish within the year. all the best, just telling it how it is!
Hi carly, so sorry to hear how much you are struggling, and can certainly understand from your story your feelings of despair. Does seem to be taking the mick for sure. 7 children and someone with an addiction is way too much to cope with for one person. Try if you can to access the live chat, they're very experienced on other end of phone and will be able to help. Or group chat can be helpful.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you're his safety net. Paying the bills leaves him free to divert 'his money' to his addiction and reinforces the disconnect between action and consequence.
Switch the focus from him and think about what you want and need now and in the future. An active gambler who doesn't want to give up can't provide it.
Dear @carlyharkin86 ,
Thank you for sharing your story on the Forum and I am pleased you have reached out for some help and support.
It sounds like you have been through a tough and stressful time with your partner, not only with regards to his gambling and financial situation but also his potential infidelity and these combined have cause these low feelings you have.
The loss of a loved one, can indeed be a trigger for someone's gambling and it seems this is the case with your partner. But as someone has already mentioned, you are dealing with his problems, seven children, your health and the fact you have lost your job. This is an awful lot for someone to take on and it sounds like it is taking it's toll on you.
Please take some time to think and care about yourself. In your post, you didn't mention if you have any support such as a family member or friend. On our helpline, we do offer support, advice and treatment, not only to gamblers but by those affected by gambling, such as yourself.
It seems like you could do with some advice about maintaining financial independence as well as some emotional support. The helpline number is 0808 802 0133 or you can come through to us on the Netline https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now/
You can join this chat room specifically dedicated to "affected others" this takes place on Mondays at 11.30am and it might be good for you to talk to those in a similar position.
You don't have to be alone with this, we are available for 24 hours a day, 365 days a year so please don't hesitate to get in touch.
Totally in agreement with Lethe I'm just sorry you let him into your parlor. He needs a wake up call & you have to explain the house rules in no uncertain terms. In denial, addiction untreated & playing the depression card to justify what's unacceptable. Unless you set boundaries this isn't going to end well.
Sorry to hear this Carly,
I have 2 children, and I sometimes feel overwhelmed caring for them as my husband works nights, so as much as he tries to help he couldn’t. I can’t imagine caring for 7, and mostly on your own.
As far as gambling, my intuition has always been correct when it came to my husbands gambling. When something doesn’t add up, or something doesn’t make sense it’s probably because there is something wrong. Gamblers are great liars, manipulators, and actors. Sorry to be so harsh, but that’s just my experience and from what I’ve read here, my observations are correct. Money is their drug.
If he doesn’t admit he has a problem it will be very difficult to help him or take control of his finances which essentially will help his addiction.
Take the offer of counseling through here, and perhaps you can find a away to speak with your partner about all your feelings. It will only eat you up inside if you don’t.
Trust is very important in any relationship, and I can see from what you’ve written you don’t trust him at all in many aspects and rightfully so with his actions.
Most things are easier said than done, so I know this isn’t an easy task. You need to just do what you feel is right for you, and what makes you feel good about the situation you’re in.
Best wishes to you