Hello.Im new to this so bear with me.
I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have been married for 5 years. He racked up debt problems a few years ago by not paying credit cards etc and when it all came out it was a massive shock but luckily we manage to sort this out with the help of family and for the past few years i thought we were on the right track with money. Massive shock to the system however when i discovered last week that he has had a gambling problem for a few years and racked up and even higher amount of debt this time, we have no family members looking to bail him out this time but we have managed to set up a DMP so im hoping this will teach him that he cant just do this and someone will clean up his mess. I mainly would like to know what i can do to help him emotionally and mentally and how i can help myself get over the betrayal. I have no plans on leaving as we have a 2 year old daughter and my husband is a great dad and other than this massive flaw he is a good husband
Thanks everyone x
Hi Emma the problem here is that everyone is sorting the mess for him. He has to admit he's a compulsive gambler and seek help. It won't go away by itself, it doesn't get better, only arrested. A bailout sets the gambler free, clears the slate so they can start again, even better credit rating! The dmp should stop that. Now you need to look after you, get help for you. Find a gamanon meeting near you. Don't think that this is just his problem. Take control of finance, make sure he can't access your money. This is forever. My husband has no money, cash and receipts supplied for even a coffee. GA is the best place, no excuses.
Sorry to see this.
Hoping it's all over and he's learnt his lesson is unfortunately not the best way forward. We all want to believe it's over but doing so leaves us open to further lies and manipulation as they carry on where they left off.
What does your husband have to say about all this? Is he handing over finances to you, getting his blocks in place and looking for counselling and GA meetings? No-one can fix this for him. He has to want to stop and then he has to want to stay stopped more than he wants the next bet.Part of that will be accepting that you can't trust him with money now or in the long term. Mr L can look at the bank accounts any time he likes but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again.
Sorry to hear that you’re going through a difficult time. Dealing with some else's gambling problem can be very hard. We would like to offer you some emotional support, as well as to give you details about free counselling services that you could use. Our Freephone is 0808 8020 133 and we are staffed every day from 8am to 12am midnight. Please don't hesitate to contact us.
So sorry you are going through this. How did you find out about his gambling, did he tell you? If he told you this is a good indication that he is wanting to stop. Has he put any blocks on place?
You have to protect you and your daughter, take control of all finances completely and find a gamanon meeting. The more you can understand about this addiction the better equipped you will be to help him. He needs to be fully committed to quitting though.
Keep us updated, take care x
Hello all thank you for the advice.
I have already taken control of the finances which includes all of his pay goes into my account and his account is now closed. The DMP is in place because we all decided there was no bail out for him this time and the money will be repaid from his wages only i will be the one to make sure it is paid because i will be paying all bills and direct debits. He has been in touch with a mental health team as well as the gamcare team and is seeking help and we have agreed we will both attend groups to help ourselves. Unfortunately he did not tell me about this problem he was caught out with an unpaid direct debit so i am aware he has a long way to go to fully accepting how big of a problem he has.
Hopefully now i can move forward but i will never trust him with money again unfortunately x
Hi Emma it sounds like you are putting the right blocks in place to safeguard yourself. The thing I've learnt over time is to not keep secrets from family. They are master manipulators and will isolate you if they can. Give your meetings a chance, go with an open mind and stick at it. Ask questions and talk on here if you are having a bad day. It's tough at first but will get better.
It's no help for you ladies directly, but I use this board to fortify me NOT to gamble each day. Reading the stories is a hard task but one I need to do to remind me what happens if I choose to gamble. Perhaps you can get your other half to read these stories and make him realise how destructive his actions are? I wish you peace and hope you get some semblance of life restored.
Hi, This has been some help as I am in a similar boat in terms of just finding out that my husband has been gambling. Our finances have always been separate as he works and is paid in Canada and I am in UK. I already had the flat and savings and worked hard to get them, so as we married later in life I was always conscious that I protected my own assets. I have seen people lose things through divorce etc and was protective. I never thought it would be to protect against debt from gambling.
He hasn't run up other debt but he has spent everything he's had, which based on his bank account is $1000's. It came to light as he was home and needed to transfer money for things I'd paid for and was constantly stalling on it and telling me the bank had messed up. I just had alarm bells as to why he wasn't displaying the level of concern over the bank not sorting the transfer and it's gone on for a couple of months.
On Friday, I said to him again that none of this was adding up and did he have the levl of savings that he said he had and slowly more and more started to come out. I asked to see his bank account (something I felt terrible about doing), I am so glad that I did as he has finally told the truth about all of it.
We looked up a GA meeting and he went voluntarily that evening (I think he was still thinking that they'd say he wasn't) but it really opened his eyes to the reality of what he'd been doing.
He's now gone back to work and no-one else knows. I've tried to encourage him to tell his parents and a couple of friends and he's not ready to but I am concerned that he needs a support network and he can't do this on his own.
I've been looking for where I can get some support for me as I go from feeling that it's one step at a time and only time will tell what will happen to totally overwhelmed by the whole thing and what it might descend to. There are so many different experiences and extents out there and it goes from feeling comforted that this can be overcome to this is the beginning of the end.
I've looked for a Gam Anon meeting but there aren't any local one, are there any other associations that anyone can recommend. I don't want to keep secrets as this is how we got here but I also feel that this is something my friends are not going to be able to help with as they don't have experience of it and neither do I.
He's given me all of his banking details so that I can check his statements as a blocker and we have agreed that his pay will come out of there with only enough money for him to use for essentials when he is away.
He had been going to the casino near where he works once or twice a month and playing the slots, he's agreed to sign up to a voluntary exclusion for 5 years and to show me when he's done it. It means that Alberta casinos will refuse him entry going forward but what if the gambling need moves to something else? That is my main fear.
Hi janey there may be other family support groups associated with other addictions. Maybe alanon, coda (co dependent). He can attend GA in Canada too I'm sure. You're right about secrets and support. But try to concentrate on you, safeguard your finances. You cannot stop him, but encourage him to seek help, ongoing, not just one meeting. There is an online gamanon meeting Sunday nights 8-9pm.