My husband and I have been together for 8 years, and has been online gambling for most of our relationship, self exclusions are put in place, and then some how he’s betting through the sites that slipped through.
at the beginning of our relationship I found out he was using cash from our account to take to the bookies, then buying food on credit cards. I was so naive to believe that he was using this cash to get our essentials.
We had letters come to the house from lenders about missed payments, we were owing thousands. His family had cleared his debt once, and this was the second time, we moved some of his debt to 0% interest cards and a loan in our names.
After finally being able to manage the repayments, I was dealing with all of the finances, my husband had no access to his accounts. We had a good year.
Sadly we separated for 3 months, I was pregnant and it was the hardest 3 months of my life. During this time my husband was at rock bottom and would sit in the bookies with a friend who always sent him tips. In their for hours and would not come home to talk about our problems.
I asked him to open other credit cards to take the debt back that I had in my name, he told me he could not move it. During this time he was using these cards he opened to bet online.
We are back together and have a 2 month old, and we have been so happy. His family have been helping with our financial problems too.
This week He was been betting for Cheltenham and told me he would stop afterwards, £100 that’s it. He wins big and puts it all back down, all I ever hear is ‘I’ve only lost £100’.
Until this time he’s bet all his savings, maxed cards again, borrowed money off us all and bet it. My ultimatum was me or Cheltenham, the betting had to stop.
When I’ve confronted him he’s told me how much he had actually bet, and told me he’s being totally honest, the next day I found out about more cards that are maxed, he promised that’s it, and then the next day that his savings are gone. Where do the lies stop??
I’m heart broken, how will I trust him again.
after a phone call with gamcare we have GAMSTOP in place and arranging 1:1 appointments to help. He’s told me he has a problem with online betting, but does not feel he has an addiction to gambling: I’ve told his family everything to ensure that we all stop feeding the addiction and lending money. But I’ve been made to feel bad.
what more can I do... will he truly ever change??
you act upon the ultimatum you gave him
he chose the horse racing and punting
you need to detach yourself before he drags you into his financial mess ( if he hasn't already )
Hi emma, the question you need to ask " does he want to stop gambling? ". What do you think?. He says he's not an addict....people who are addicted lie, steal ,beg, borrow.run up massive debts, manipulate their loved ones. Sound like your husband? Sorry to be blunt but you are vulnerable you have a newborn and need financial and emotional stability. He absolutely can get over this with hard work but you cannot do it for him and neither should you. He has to want to stop and be ready to stop. Has he made you feel bad for telling his family? Don't be it's what is needed family friends giving him money is not helpful it's called enabling he's bailed out with no consequence, he's enabled to gamble again. As the above poster said you must protect yourself and your finances for you and your child. Installing Gamstop and arranging counselling are both really positive steps that I hope will be the start of his recovery, he can rebuild your trust by doing the right thing and proving to you that he's changing, has he come on here and read people's stories......truthfully it was my first very important step now I'm closing in on 10 months gamble free and believe me I've done similar things to your husband. My husband found out about my gambling addiction and now we are in a better place I can say I'm glad he did I had wanted to stop but I didn't know how to help myself that's the point I'm trying to make I desperately wanted to stop, reading on here and taking in what tools people had used to stop was invaluable to me. I'm happier, calmer less on edge and the best thing I'm not lying anymore and life for my family is better more financial stability and I'm not losing time to gambling, time that now benefits my family. I sincerely hope you find a path through together as a family but if not you find peace and happiness and do what's best for you and your child. Take care
Hi both,
Thank you for your replies, and thank you Charlieboy for sharing your journey with me, and the steps that you recommend for recovery. I do believe that my husband wants to stop, especially for our son, and he would of never contacted gamcare and booked his 1:1 when I suggested he needed help before, but I’m just not so sure if he can stop. He says he will and he really wants to, he is my husband and I will stick by him to help him through this if he really gives it a good go, otherwise I will have to put me and my son first. I really hope we can reach a better place the same as your family.
wish you all the best in your recovery, it sounds like you are smashing this and you should be so so proud!!
Hello Emma 2020 and Welcome to the forum.
He needs tough love and you need to take a few deep breaths to start again with this from a tougher perspective.
Yes Im sure you love him and we are not saying he is inherently bad. However the truth is you seem to have an addict in the house and you need to fully realise the sheer power of this addiction to control him like a puppet and also manipulate you to get another fix.
You can not let this be a blind love or be a shrinking violet
You need to protect yourself financially and build up a support network of family and friends you can talk to.
Then you gather information and learn because the truth must be faced in order to help you both. You will need to see credit reports and bank statements.
He needs reality checks so he stops all the nonsense about "only lost" The thought of dropping £100 down a kerbside grate should be strong in your minds because thats what he is effectively doing. Last time I looked, money doesn't grow on trees and he will be totally delusional about what he is doing. His true losses are likely to be eye watering!
Gambling is a mugs game...a lie...a scam and most of all a highly addictive drug. I defy any gambler to tell me otherwise and Ive been one.
He doesnt need the trust. If he is truly ready to stop he will realise you are the only important fact in his life
Take some control and be proactive...he needs carefully worded ultimatums that gambling or even a sniff of it is not acceptable to you. He has choices to save any quality of future life...yes its that serious Im afraid
Dont lend him a penny...push him gently into a GA meeting and show him a soup kitchen because thats where gambling addicts end up and worse
As I said tough love and he has a chance to heal when he is ready. You can never be complacent again about this and will need to develop a sixth sense to help ensure he makes this history...Are you ready? its not your fault and you have some decisions to make
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
I get that you love your husband and want to help him but the crux of this matter is you cannot help him, you can only support him if he is willing to tackle this issue. Recovery can only come from him, no matter how much you or anyone else wants it. It is a very good sign that he has registered with GamStop and is seeking help via Gamcare but it is very alarming how much he seems to manipulate you. The fact that you gave him an ultimatum and didn't follow through is worrying as he is likely to use this against you in the future.
Its is good that you have come on here and also told others as you realise that you need support though this, it is very difficult living with and addict (even if he does not believe he is one).
On of the hardest things I ever did once I came clean to my partner was to sit down with her and go through everything. We went through my bank account and credit card statements bit by bit to see all the gambling transactions, we went through my emails to see any gambling related stuff or loans etc, we went through my credit file to see any debt in my name. It took a few hours and was very difficult for me an my partner as the scale of it was eye watering but it was in my view essential. Up to then she had taken my word on things but after that point she realised the scale of the problem. I am almost 2 years bet free and go to GA meetings regularly but she still has full access to all those things to view when she wishes.
The reason that was important is you cannot really tackle an issue unless you know the full truth of how bad it actually is. You might have to also write down any debt he may have from a cash point of view also as he may owe friends or family. If he really wants to recover he will do it, and if you want to stay with him you MUST do it just so you know exactly where you both stand. It is very common for compulsive gamblers to with hold some avenue to access funds via cash, borrowings or whatever as we want to retain some kind of control but deep down we know we want to have it there as we spin ourselves the yarn that a few months off gambling and get debt in order and we will be fine to start back just with the standard bets like "£100 on Chelthenham" or similar.
It is obviously possible he will revert to type and gamble again. You really need to have a plan in place. How many times can he relapse before you go enough is enough? That is entirely up to you but you need to plan for that as again it's very common. If you give him an ultimatum you have to stick to it. Have money set aside and a plan in place should he choose gambling again.
I know none of this is good to hear but you have to facc e up to the scale of it, you have started the process and I know its daunting but your doing the right thing by reaching our for support.
Keep posting here, I wish you well whatever happens.
I feel your pain. My advice is once a gambler always a gambler you have to take to control of the money.
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