Hi, this is all new to me but I wanted to join to have someone to talk to as I can’t talk to my family or friends about this. I am due to marry my partner next year and since I’ve been with him he’s opened up to me twice about gambling.. I had taken control of his finances and checked up with him to ensure he was paying his bills and keeping on the straighten narrow. He has recently organised I surprise for me and he now has his card again since a few months ago, last week he told me he had won £10,000 on a game he said he knew it was wrong but he was putting the money into the wedding fund and then deleting the site at the back of my mind I knew that wasn’t the end of it but tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and have frequently been asking him questions to determine how he’s doing. I’ve come home tonight from work to two letters explaining he has now lost that money as he actually only received 5,000 and felt cheated and now he can’t afford to put the money into the wedding fund that he should be putting in each month. I really don’t know what to do I don’t want to leave him but can’t see how I’m going to have a future with him when this is now the third time he has done it to me and he clearly isn’t thinking about me at all and our future together. As the wedding is approaching I don’t know whether to call it off as I can’t deal with it anymore I have a lot going off with work too and he has now stated that he’s depresssed and he has suicidal thoughts! I really need someone to talk to and some help and advice as I now feel trapped in a hole myself with no support. How can someone who say they love you keep hurting you like this?! Please, can anyone just talk to me about how they are dealing with this in their lives. Thanks in advance.
I’m so sorry to read your story. Whilst I hope others affected like you are come and offer support also, maybe I can help you to try and understand the mind of a compulsive gambler?
When your OH win the 10k he genuinely wanted to put it to your wedding of that I have no doubt. He was trying to protect the “winnings” by telling you this in the hope it would stop him gambling with it again.
What I suspect may have happened is he had withdrawn the money but online casinos are basically b******s because what they do is leave your money sitting in a “pending” state for anything up to 72 hours and at any time before they actually refund the card you the player can reverse that withdrawal back into your playing account to gamble with again (sick eh?). I suspect this may be what happened to your OH.
You may be thinking that yeah it’s an awful trick the online casinos use but surely he could use a bit of willpower to wait it out.... He can’t (if he’s anything like me), it’s an intolerable wait, you know you want the money but you think “I’ll just play £x, nice and easy” (think of it being like an Alcoholic having a shandy just to tide them over)... Of course the £x gets lost and the compulsive gambler thinks “s*** now I have to win this back, ok, I’ll play £x to get me back to where I was”.... you see where this going by now? The CG ends up blowing through the lot and most likely more.
It’s a painful road and one I’ve only just re-started myself but your OH has to want to stop not for you but for himself to end the pain and misery he lives with, when he can do that the hurt you feel will end as well because the gambling, the worry and the lies will stop.
If he’s serious and if my suspicion the gambles online is correct ask him to sign up to GAMSTOP which is a free service that tells all uk licensed online casinos/bookies that the person wishes to self exclude from all gambling. You have to be honest when you sign up but it takes 10minutes and within 24hrs all the sites will block him. It’s the best thing out there just now, I’m sure it may not be 100% perfect but I haven’t found away around it yet and I have tried (Just to test it to convince myself)
Your OHcan also self exclude from all betting shops, arcades and land casinos by looking up the relevant sites.
He should also consider GA.
I feel your upset as I’ve seen vicariously through the hurt I have caused my wife and family but I also feel your OH shame, remorse and misery as I’ve been there (still am).
He does love you btw.... That said the desire to stop has to come from him and it takes real commitment, you can support but you can’t do it for him....
Rather than asking him if he had a problem (he evidently does), ask him if he’s “sick and tired of being sick and tired”, when a CG gets to this point they are generally ready to try and find another way.
Hope it works out for you, good luck.
Hi buble1993 the best thing you can do is find a gamanon meeting. Don't make rash decisions in the heat of the moment. The best thing you can do is go back to looking after the finances. No more surprises! It's better to have peace of mind. Don't ignore it, don't believe him saying he's stopped. There are many ways to live with a compulsive gambler. The best way is if they go to GA and hand over finance.
Sorry to see this.
What does he have to say about what he's planning to do to address this? Has he said he wants to give up? Has he made any steps towards cutting off his access to cash and gambling? Is he planning to attend counselling and GA?
You can't trust a word he says about money without seeing independent proof for yourself so don't. Secure the finances and don't fall for sob stories. That will give you breathing space to see whether he's showing signs of a real commitment to stopping. Look for support for yourself if you can. If he's having suicidal thoughts there are agencies he can turn to - Samaritans or his GP for a start. His mental health isn't your responsibility and you need to put your own well being first.
Try not to worry about the wedding. It can be put off or even called off if necessary. No need to rush into any decisions until you see how things are shaping up.
Hi lovely i feel like i could have written your story myself! I totally feel your pain. I'm engaged to a compulsive gambler and we're also supposed to be getting married next year. Like you, i feel so torn and confused. I have control of the finances and he's been good for a while. He's called gamcare and been referred for counselling. I truly thought things were on the up.. But last week he found his card and gambled online. He won so now he's all over it again. Telling me that I'm forcing him to stop when he doesn't want to. That he will not take my ultimatums and he will choose roulette over me every time. I can't talk to anyone about this because I know what they will say and i know they're right. I love him so much and I don't understand how he can do this to us. He says such horrible things to me. I know i don't want to spend my life like this but I'm having such a hard time letting go. I keep thinking he can get better and stop.. My head knows I'm kidding myself but how do you let go? I hope that are OK xx