How to trust ur partner again  

I’m feeling exactly the same I found out my partner was gambling last January 2020 - the hurt, betrayal, and trust has completely gone, I would love to know how to move on and feel like I did before I found out. 

It’s so hard isn’t it 

I’ve been having similar feelings about trust and don’t like how it has become. I am willing to work on it. I suppose it depends if you feel it is something you can overcome?

I’m sorry to hear ur in the same boat how are u handling it. I want it to work I think but as we have 2 children together and I don’t agree staying getha for the kids either but I’m so torn in what to do ...can we ever get back to it ..he keeps saying he’s never gonna give up on us x

I suppose you can only try? I feel quite anxious and worry about what could be ahead. I just try and keep going and hope for the best 

I guess that’s all we can do but some days I think I don’t want keep feeling like this I shouldn’t be out through this either 

It's fine not to trust him with anything financial now or in the future.  I have full access to and control of everything including opening post I don't like the look of. Savings and major purchases are all in my sole name. Mr L is welcome to look at the bank accounts any time he likes but he'll never have unscrutinised access to them again. He accepts my need for this level of reassurance as one of the consequences to the way he behaved.

Look after your own interests. If your partner won't accept financial scrutiny be wary.

I know it feels so unfair. I think it is an illness and there is no intent to hurt, but obviously does affect us. Do you have anyone to speak to?

Hi no I don’t have anyone to talk to and our situation is different he has another house which he rents but he lives at mine so I don’t have control of his money although he does let me look at his bank anytime I want to ..it’s just the feeling of not feeling the same about him like I used to 

Do you think you could go back to how you felt before? Does looking at the bank statements reassure you at all? I know there is counselling available via the site; which might be helpful.

Sorry to hear about this Diane. I do read quite a few posts on here and other gambling related forums about trust. How can you trust him again after the deceit, lies and betrayal? What’s a relationship without trust? My partner is a compulsive gambler in abstinence/recovery and my answer to that is I can never trust him again with money matters. Ever. For life. I will never take his word for it when it comes to anything related to finances and he knows this. But do i trust him with other things? 100%. I trust that he won’t cheat on me, he’ll take care of me and that we’ll work on reaching our dreams and ambitions in life together. And i can live with this. It’s almost a year since ‘the confession’ and I feel more connected to him now more than ever.  For my own mental health, i check his credit report everyday and i receive mobile notifications for all his bank transactions. Our savings are on my name. This is working for us so far.

There’s nothing wrong with not feeling the same way again. You can’t force yourself if you don’t feel the same, be kind to yourself. Love yourself. If you think it will not work out, talk to him about it. You deserve to be happy.

I wish you all the best.

Pep

Hi no it doesn’t help and I hate looking at them I tell him I don’t wanna see them ...

Thank you so much for ur feed back I trusted him in every way b4 but now I question everything I even think he would cheat on me but on the other hand he is so against it like me I just don’t no what to do I’m so confused  I can’t make my mind up about our relationship can it get better? I don’t no I wanted us to get married but now I’ve told him I don’t wanna marry him (he has never asked me ) but I want to be married so hard 

Hi Diane, 

How are you getting on? 
I have found myself in the same situation. I cannot trust him anymore - not just with finances but everything. I cannot trust that he won’t cheat on me, and I am convinced he is constantly lying to me. It’s a real struggle. How are you coping?