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Marierose
(@marierose)

Hi I am new on here and really would like to hear similar situations or if anyone has come out the other side. 

 I have been with cg partner for 11years and I am now finally!! Realising he really isn't going to change.  I have told him this eveing I need a brake to sort out what I want and what I will do. And same old sobbing story of how I am kicking him out and he cant do this without me and kids. My reply ' he clearly cant do it with'. Everytime he says it's just a slip'. Them words make me shiver I just cant despise that excuse. 

I get a phone call of his boss and it is now affecting his work he may lose his job. Surely that would open your eyes to extent the gambling has gone to far.... well it has for me. So now he is saying he will be back in couple days as it's his house so he has just much right to be here. Which yes I think that is right. But surely he should respect the fact i have 4 children to him. One a baby. He has broke me so bad I literally cant look at him anymore.

Any advice or anyone been in this situation much appreciated 

Quote
Posted : 10th November 2019 9:05 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi marierose, unfortunately this is a familiar tale. I really feel for you with 4 children. He needs serious help. I would encourage him to see his gp, gambling over long periods affects mental health. He also needs to go to GA. Can you take control of finances? Do credit checks.

you need to get some help too. Call gamcare and talk to someone, also see if there is a gamanon meeting in your area. As wives we have to learn to change our reactions. Put ourselves first, stop bailing them out, making excuses for them.

you are right you can't stop him living in the house, but you can have rules. He's an adult and gambling is not helping it's destroying him. 

If he's an online gambler he can sign up to gamstop for 5 years. He can download Gamban. There are many blocks he can put in place.

try and get some control back, you will feel better.

his boss calling you is awake up call. My husband's gambling affected his work too. He really needs some professional help.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th November 2019 8:43 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear Marierose,

Thank you for joining our forum. We are pleased that you are able to get some support regarding your situation and Merry  go round has given you some good advice. We are here, ready to listen and support you via our helpline 0808 8020 133 or via our netline , 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  You can have a chat one to one, with an adviser, in addition to the support you get on here. We support people affected by other people's gambling - we are aware how tough going it can be and we want you to know that you don't need to struggle on without the help you deserve. You have a family - you must be very busy.  Look after yourself emotionally and financially and be kind to yourself. 

 

Best wishes

Fiona 

Forum admin 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th November 2019 4:33 pm
Marierose
(@marierose)

Hi merry go round. Thanks for replying. This is the second time I have written this 😫 phone keeps disconnecting and kids to sort out. So here we go again! 

He did go to gp a year ago. But the doctor he seen said she never delt with this before they didnt really know what to do. And said they would call him and never did. He also went to a couple of ga meetings 2years ago but said it wasnt for him!🙄. He always say he can fix himself! His boss had a very good close friend in the area who did counsel sessions for addicts and brought him into work one day. From then on for about a month he had him in office once a week for hour. He just doesn't seem to stick at anything!

I did take over financial control and he had a set amout in his bank account which he really should have not. He would still find a way to get money. I am so surprised his boss had kept him on! He is a born again Christian his boss and believe in second chances but he has given him 3. Even me 😫🤦🏼‍♀️

His gambling is online, on his phone mainly when I am asleep. Going to casinos. He could go to casino like he did friday straight after work. Blow £8k and not come home do shift sat. In the meantime I just have to guess he is thier!! until I get a call from the boss. The worst time was Christmas eve. He went to casino after work 4pm. No call or text after work,kids all excited for Santa. I have to hold bk tears till they go to bed.I rang casino crying saying you have a man with a very serious addiction surely you have safe garding. All they could say is I could come and drag him out at 2am in morning with kids in bed and I was heavily pregnant. He came home 6am when kids were waking up and all he said was that was last time and never again. Most women would run a mile and I know I am to soft! This is why now I will not bk down!!!!!

I did have phone call counselling sessions 2yrs ago but it didnt really do a whole lot of different for me. I just wanted him to be fixed! 

I have a best friend who I console everything to. She is my shoulder,she is such and amazing friend and I feel she has helped mega. Even just been able to talk about it! Today I told my mum for the first time. She was shocked to say the least. She not the kind of women who can tame her anger . But surprisingly she was really supportive and told her I should have told her earlier. I am one of these people that puts on a front pretending everything is grand. Get in the door and flood up in tears. 

He is still out the house and not coming back till his day of to see kids which I am dreading because I just am not ready to talk and still want more time to think what I want to do. Did your husband get help? And how long has he been gamble free. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th November 2019 8:17 pm
unhappywife
(@unhappywife)

Hi Marierose,

Reading your post, your story is very similar to mine. My husband’s attitude to gambling is the same. This is the 4th time it’s happened in our whole 24 year relationship... and I have 3 kids. 
This last episode last year was a whopper.. he lied about the money, remortgaged twice without me knowing... forging my signature, maxing out on his company loans, credit card, not paying his taxes etc. Things got so bad I had to borrow money, sign up for credit cards etc in order to get us through.. as we have no money or savings from all his other debts. 
I really thought our lives were back on track 2 years ago... we paid back everything.. only to be hit again by his addiction. 2019 I suffered from a lot of anxiety.. but am good at hiding my emotions  and what was truly happening in my life. 
I’ve hid my husbands gambling from my parents and friends, but this last one last year I had to tell my mum. It was so bad losing over 100k...... he had everything.. a wife, 3 kids, a lovely 4 bedroom semi-detach house ... only to decide it’s not enough and would prefer to gamble to the point that we could all be out on the street! I resent him everyday and I hate feeling this way. 

A year on and I can tell you our relationship has deteriorated..... communication, romance, s*x everything is gone... and the spark that was once there isn’t. For the first time I truly feel that I no longer love him. I am with him because it’s easy I don’t work as I’ve been a stay at home mum. But I know things needs to change.. it’s going to be a tough road for me.... .. but if I don’t get out now.... this will destroy me and my kids future.  Wish me luck.. as I need all the support I can get.  

ReplyQuote
Posted : 31st January 2020 4:18 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hi unhappywife

I'm really sorry to hear that you continue to experience the difficulties you have described. 

Please remember that we are here not only for those who find themselves with problems with gambling but also for those affected by the problem gambling of others. We can offer help, advice and support for you too.

We are available 24hrs a day, 365 days a year either on Netline chat or by phoning our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 if you need to talk. 

 

Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 31st January 2020 6:00 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hi... I am a compulsive gambler. Iv'e just been reading this thread and i can't begin to imagine what it must be like to go through and be going through what has been described. Fortunately I don't have a wife or children to inflict my addiction upon. For what its worth here are a few thoughts...

You can't fix a compulsive gambler. You can't make them stop. I wouldn't bother trying. The bottom line is that it is their problem and their issue that they have to deal with, if they want to. For those that are affected by someone else's gambler you HAVE to do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and the interests of your children from the consequences of the gambling.

All compulsive gamblers promise not to do it again whether its with tears or without tears and often (but not always) they mean it in the moment that the words are said but they then go on to repeat the same patterns of behaviour over and over again... I am no exception. Am not making excuses but just trying to get across the message that it is a very powerful compulsion that must be treated like it is a class A drug addiction... cos that's what it amounts too.

Now, if the gambler is motivated to want to try and stop they will as a starting place do the following... 

1. Sign up to Gamstop (5 years)... its very effective. All accounts get blocked

2. Self-exclude from land based casino's, local bookmakers and any where else that they frequent.

3. Hand over financial control to loved ones.... this is the one that i find most hard. Its like although I know that am out of control with my gambling am still not prepared to have my wages go into a family members account. It is what it is. I suffer the consequences. In your situations it is all the more important that this happens though, if possible... your children. It must be awful.

Clearly even if all these measures are put in place, if the gambler really wants to gamble they will... especially if they get paid cash in hand for anything.

Anyway I will leave it there.

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Posted : 2nd February 2020 1:26 pm
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