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How to protect my children?  

 
Ssj
 Ssj
(@ssj)

I found out my husband had been lying to me since the day we met - usual story - lies, deception lots of money missing. Also lied to take money of my family. I asked him to leave when I was pregnant with our second child. He was still lying and gambling and I had a 2 year old and new born to think off.

He still sees the boys. Might look after them for day or overnight - always in my house.

He let me down last week. Didn’t shown. Lied about being ill - he had been up all night gambling his salary.

My boys idolise their dad. If I stop saying I need his help with childcare, he will see them even less. He’s ten mins from his mother in a nursing home and sees her once a fortnight.

I’m worried how the boys will be impacted. They are nearly 1 1/2 and 3 1/2. Should I just cut him out? Scared they will get really hurt in the future.

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Posted : 30th December 2018 9:51 pm
Marcella
(@marcella)

Hey ssj.
Sorry to hear about your troubles. It must be a really hard time for you. I have been a compulsive gambler for around 30 years. I have been where your husband has been. My ex was in your position, sick of the lies, deception and the fact I never really got help for my addiction. Although I never stole from her directly, I stole her happiness and wore her down. The love that used to be in her eyes was replaced by hatred. Anyway, we split up when my little girl was just over 2. She has never once stopped me from seeing my daughter. But to be fair I never let my daughter down and i am always there for her. I am in no position to give you advice on what to do but I think every father has a right to see their children as long they are safe. It could do the wee ones more damage not seeing him. I would suggest that you need to make him understand, not only for the wee ones but for you too, that you are in control and things are done on your terms. I think he needs to realise what he is about to lose. If you cut him off altogether, in years to come when they boys are older, you could be made to be the bad one for cutting him out of their lives. You can't change how your husband acts, he can only change himself and hopefully he realises what he is about to lose. I would say though that you need to do what you think is right for the wee ones and once that decision is made, stick by it. I hope things work out for you and your family.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th December 2018 11:07 pm
Ssj
 Ssj
(@ssj)

Thank you Marcella

i guess what scares me is he put the casino before the kids. He was supposed to be leaving his early morning to come his kids. They were expecting him. I was going to work. He didn’t care.

I’m worried they are going to get hurt. I’m also worried what happens to them if I’m not here anymore and he is their sole parent.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 31st December 2018 2:17 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi ssj compulsive gambling is addiction. It's about self medicating. Mental health. Depression. His head is all over the place. He needs help. You can set rules. Find some support from counselling, call gamcare.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 31st December 2018 10:01 am
gamblers child
(@gamblers-child)

Hi ssj,

You're understandably worried about your children. I was the same age as your eldest when my parent's marriage began to really break down due to my dad's gambling. In reality, there's no easy way out but gamblers can be manipulative and though you don't want to believe that he might ever do anything to hurt his children it is important that they know what gambling is. My mum always told my sister and I never to give him money, told us that he was sick; she told us more as we got older. Yes it did have an impact on my relationship with my dad but it also means that I am able to have some sort of relationship with him while still being aware of the issues that exist. I believe that my mum did the best thing for us, we would see my dad once a week, every saturday for the day at his house, my mum would drop us off and pick us up. My dad always seemed to be there, I'm not sure whether it was the structure that helped him. Your children will understand when they're older that whatever you do it will be because you want what's best for them.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th February 2019 10:05 pm
Rinnga
(@rinnga)

It's hard to find a good decision because there is no right option. I think that till your children's young they should see him and you should tell them more and more as they will be getting older. And then, when they'll be old enough, they'll make the decision by themselves. 

This post was modified 7 days ago 2 times by Rinnga
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Posted : 29th July 2020 3:48 pm
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