How to help a compulsive trading Gambling partner?

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(@anna-10-20)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

Hi,

my partner is in recovery for alcohol and drugs and has nearly a year clean but am worried because he seems to be pushing away help for that also and not going to meetings.

he admitted he was gambling last year when he lost a bit of money, I know he has had the problem for years and before I knew him. He stopped for two months  when we first got together and attended GA but his problem is trading and felt he couldn’t relate or convinced himself that. 

his behaviour has been up and down and I felt in my gut that he was lying to me and went crazy with my own insecurities thinking he was cheating but I know now that he wasn’t but he was lying about gambling the whole time and I feel hurt because he allowed me to believe I was imagining things and nothing was wrong but me with a problem and I started to question my own gut instincts. 

last December he admitted he was gambling and promised he would stop when we got back off holiday.... I went into denial because he started gambling on the holiday and his mood changed, he went into deep rage over the smallest thing which lasted for days, threatened to dump me, wouldn’t speak to me... I was highly emotional and wasn’t able to be strong enough to see what was going on and just thought he was being nasty but clearly he was having some kind of depressive melt down. The times I got him away from his phone and doing activities he did have fun but the depression took over and by the end of the holiday I had reached my own rock bottom with it. 

when we got back he distanced himself said he needs a break, he has got rid of his sponsor for his alcohol/drug addiction. And I’ve barely seen him and when I do he is nice if I don’t try to talk to him but if I do the monster verbally abusive addict comes out. He doesn’t think he does anything wrong either he just blames me, says I’m starting problems.

i feel bad because it’s like watching your partner die, you can’t believe what they will say unless they get help because they are so up and down and so I tried tough love reminding him all the stuff that’s happened, how his mood is effected and I was so upset I said I had to walk away and he said he would go to GA next week. The sad thing is he has gone quiet on me but tried to see how I am without doing anything about the gambling. i know I can’t do anything but look after myself but nobody else Knows about his problem. 

Even if he doesn’t care about me deep down, I do care and do not want to see him go down. I have gone silent on him now. But do I just walk away? What is the right thing to do for him to realise? Do you think anything I would have said got through? He’s pretending to everyone else he is coping but I know he isn’t, he isn’t sleeping properly. When he heard how upset I was on the weekend he promised to go and admitted he was a gambling addict but I had to be really tough for him to admit it again. He is in such denial... does anyone know anything that has worked? He knows what support is out there and that I would be supportive if he gets help.  I just wanted maybe a trading addicts opinion on how they stopped?

thanks

 

This topic was modified 4 years ago by Anna-10-20
 
Posted : 19th February 2020 2:46 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5944
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Dear @anna-10-20,

Thank you for your post and for sharing the difficult and worrying situation that you and your partner are in. I'm so sorry to hear how painful things have become, I'm glad you reached out so that we can all support you. It’s a really supportive forum community, please keep using this platform for peer to peer support.

I'm concerned about the affect this is having on you, especially since you mentioned reaching your own rock bottom, questioning your gut feeling and going crazy with your own insecurities. Do you have people around you that you can open up to? We would encourage you to use your support network if you do, talk to them and allow them to be there for you. This is a big thing to go through alone.

Perhaps a visit to your GP would be beneficial too so that they can support you with any changes to your physical and mental health, sleep pattern and appetite. If you can't get an appointment with your GP, you can call the NHS 111 and there are also mental health websites with helplines that you can contact for support too.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/

https://www.samaritans.org/

I'm concerned to hear that your partner is verbally abusive to you when you try to talk about the problem gambling and the negative impact it's having on you both. Please remember that no one has the right to be abusive to you, no matter who they are or what the circumstances and reasons behind it are.

You can contact The National Domestic Abuse helpline to get support with this and to discuss it further by telephoning 0808 2000 247

You can also get further support via the below links:-

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

https://www.refuge.org.uk/

https://kiranss.org.uk/services/refuge-services/

There is so much help, support and advice available for your partner once he is ready to admit there is a problem, reach out for help and make the changes needed to start his journey in to recovery. Although overcoming problem gambling is a challenge, it is achievable.

Your partner has to want to make the change himself, when he is ready to do so then we're here to support him every step of the way.

We're here for you too, please don't be afraid to put firm boundaries in place if you do decide to try and work things out with your partner providing you feel safe and able to do so. We would always encourage you to protect your own health, wellbeing and assets such as your own money and the roof over your head.

It's difficult to watch someone you care about struggle, please don't forgot how important you are too and that it's ok if you feel you can no longer stay in the relationship.

There is no blame here, no judgement. We just want to help and we're here for everyone affected by problem gambling.

If you would like to talk further then please call our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or access our Netline (web chat) via our GamCare website. Alternatively, you can email your details to @gamcare.org.uk">forumadmin@gamcare.org.uk and we will arrange a call back to you. We're open day and night.

We also have a chat room for the Family and Friends of problem gamblers, you can join this every Wednesday evening from 7pm until 8pm via our website. There’s also an online meeting every Sunday from 8pm until 9pm at http://gamanon.org.uk/?page_id=30

Please take care, you're not alone in this.

Kindest Regards

Joanne

Forum Admin

This post was modified 4 years ago 2 times by Forum admin
 
Posted : 19th February 2020 9:48 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1491
 

Hi Anna I'm the wife of a compulsive gambler. My husband used to 'trade' amongst all his other gambling endeavours. You say your partner is also in recovery for drugs and alcohol. These are all serious addictions. All self medicating pastimes. All escapes from emotions and 'self'.

As Joanne has said your wellbeing is the most important thing at this time. You need help and support from wherever you feel most comfortable. Sometimes the support of strangers who are or have been in your situation is the best. There is no judgement.

start looking after yourself, be selfish. Stop worrying about him. Don't lend money, or make excuses for his behaviour.

gamanon is available online Sunday nights 8-9 or try and find a meeting in your area. Gamcare can support you too.

he knows where the meetings are  he just needs to want them. 

This is not acceptable behaviour or healthy. Please get some support for you.

 
Posted : 20th February 2020 8:15 am
(@anna-10-20)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

Hi,

Thank you I will try a gamanon Meeting tonight.

i have support, I am also in recovery for alcohol/drugs but it is hard because I can’t really talk in the rooms about what is going on because I feel like that is breaching his privacy as also being a member still of AA. So I use the messenger on here.

Ive had therapy and talked about this a lot, although that has come to an end now. But I know that I need to just keep reaching out and with time hopefully it will pass.

thanks again

 
Posted : 20th February 2020 8:37 am
(@anna-10-20)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

Hi Joanne,

Thank you for your response I am obviously getting support and we do not live together.

i have not heard from him since I said he should only contact me once he is serious about getting help. It has only been a couple of days. With your husband? Did he ever push you away saying he needs space so he could gamble alone? Also do I need to stick to my guns as he seems really depressed and nobody else knows... I am worried if I leave him that he will maybe pick up a drink or drugs. At the moment I think he is still sober removed link  

would anything I said about the gambling get through to him... how did your partner stop? Did you have any impact? Should I just be there for him until he sees the light like a friend not now but with a bit of time and distance to get myself ok?

 
Posted : 20th February 2020 8:42 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)
Posts: 4883
 

Hi Anna... sorry to hear about the difficult situation in which you find yourself. It sounds like you are living a bit of a nightmare. I have no idea how it must feel

I am a compulsive gambler and I wouldn't be involved with one or live with one.

Said with the greatest of respect but your partner is not in recovery from drugs because gambling is a drug addiction (in my opinion). Your partner is addicted to the "risk" in his trading, which in reality means that he is addicted to the dopamine levels and several other intoxicating chemicals washing around in his brain, just like i am.

Also there is no hierarchy in gambling. Whether somebody is gambling on the "slots" (that's me) or the turn of the card or the scorer of the next goal or whether the companies share price is going up or down, it's all the same thing, its all gambling, it's all risk taking, it's all messing with the same chemicals in the brain. Some people who gamble try to make out that they are some how different because they go along to a GA meeting and nobody else does or did "day trading".... it's all just an excuse really.... it's all the same thing.

Have a good read of the other threads. There is a wealth of advice and support. So many people in a similar situation to what you describe. You don't have to live your life through your partners addiction. Remember that  you cannot save him himself and I wouldn't even try. Protect yourself, support yourself. Your Ok.

Take good care... S.A 

 
Posted : 20th February 2020 9:35 am
(@anna-10-20)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

Hi SA and merry go round,

 

the message above for Joanne was actually for merry go around but I’m new to this site. Thank you SA, I know I cannot fix but is there anyway for him to see the light before he loses everything and is in even more debt or loses his mind.

is there any way to get through to the denile? Also He is not sleeping... does that mean he is losing money? I wish he would seek help but I know there is nothing I can do..... I am just curious if anything a loved one says could have been a wake up call?

 
Posted : 20th February 2020 12:56 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)
Posts: 4883
 

To answer your questions. No their isn't really a great deal you can do to get him out of his denial. That's for him to work it through. You can be clear about how the effects of his gambling are affecting you. You can have clear boundaries around money and not feeding his addiction but you can't get him out of denial. Remember that when he blames you for stuff, that's his denial of responsibility and addiction at work

I suppose that this is maybe your opportunity to decide what you want for yourself and what are your own issues to work on. I mean I work in social care.. I am everything to everybody else but nothing to myself, cue the gambling, my me time. That's what i am trying to work on. Are you living your life through him? Do you still want to be in a relationship with him or a friend or a recovery buddy? Are you scared of life without him or being on your own? I don't know, just things to think about. I know that at times in the past I have been in unhealthy relationships both work wise and personal where I have found myself deeply affected by the other persons moods to the extent that I tracked them, when they were happy i was happy when they were sad i was sad. I started to lose touch with my true self.... its never a nice situation to be in.

Anyway I will stop waffling. The above is just my opinions at this moment in time based on my own life experience and also being a compulsive gambler.

All the best.

 
Posted : 20th February 2020 2:41 pm
(@anna-10-20)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

Thank you S.A.

I do believe that if he gets help then I would stand by him. I also know that if he is unwilling to see a problem and continues to lie to me and be verbally abusive then I will have to walk away.

I love him and just want him to see the light. I know with time I will be ok whatever happens and I am going to follow my dreams too regardless. I guess I’m going to see in the next month whether I have to let go completely. 

he admitted he has a problem and said he would get help. But he seems to have gone back in denial, if he at least spoke to me honestly and openly I could be in his life but if he continues in denial for the foreseeable i realise that I will have to let go as it could be years before he gets help. I think this has floored me because it’s taken me a while to get my head around what’s been going on and even now I do not know to be honest because until he gets help I do not see a future for us. I will see over the next couple of weeks and then yeah make a decision.

we spoke about moving to abroad at the end of  this year. I have decided that there is nothing stopping me if we aren’t together moving sooner as that was my dream anyway. So I will see in the next month what I am going to do and continue with my plans for my life even if it doesn’t work out.

I think I am a good person and it’s a sad situation but I don’t blame myself anymore because he is sick in addiction. It’s just sad to know was any of it real or not... I wouldn’t give up on him if he reaches out but if he cuts me out there’s not a lot I can do really other than let go and move on with my life.

 
Posted : 20th February 2020 3:33 pm

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