Hi all,
My fiancé (should be husband but covid postponed) (30) works on his family farm and is in a financially abusive situation. His dad pays him far below minimum wage with the 'promise' of one day giving him the farm. Recently it has been made clear that this isn't going to happen and we have decided to leave and start a new life elsewhere. It has been really tough emotionally.
I (27) run my own business and make a lot of money (not trying to show off at all - its relevant so that you know what is at stake.) In april 2021, after months of saving and hard work, we were going to apply for a mortgage on my company profit and buy our dream house. It's all we've ever dreamt of. I was so sad for my partner being treated like an idiot by his family for so long, no money, never owned anything in his life not even a car. I was going to put the house 50:50 between us so that we could be a normal family. I am 100% committed to this man and I know he is to me. He is due to become a director of my business when we marry as he will be working with me and it makes financial sense. I've always thought of money as ours, not mine.
A few months after we first met he came clean about having a gambling problem (betting on sport through apps) and £2k debt, which was a lot for someone earning £500 a month. I paid it off for him, we deleted the apps, and he basically felt he was cured. 3 years and nothing happened. The other day I spoke to him about how we need to keep our spending as low as possible right now for our mortgage application and he went silent and told me that he had majorly messed up. We had, together, put a bet on a horse race that we would have attended in person before covid. He never deleted the app and carried on betting. He lost £1300 in 3 weeks before deleting the app. Now, I will have to apply for the mortgage alone as it will massively affect our mortgage application.
I am so unbelievably hurt. He is an intelligent, lovely person yet this addiction took over him for a couple of weeks, completely sabotaging our plans and dreams. I wanted him to hold that house key in his hands and feel that he had finally achieved something after years of feeling pathetic, but he's messed it up for the both of us.
I've worked so hard to both bring in money and to build his confidence, yet he has messed it up.
I have spoken to gamcare today and we are both going for treatment. I just don't know how to handle this going forward because so much is at stake financially. I feel like a cow monitoring his bank transactions and checking his phone for apps etc, but I feel its what I need to do?
He is so sad and apologetic and is very willing to get help. I just don't want to live the rest of my life knowing that he could relapse at any point just by opening an online account.
How can I protect our finances when we get married?
I want us to share everything but I also want to have the final say. Does anyone have any experience?
Thank you, if you read this far.
Sorry you might not like what i write here, but i saw the part that you placed a bet together , he was always going to carry on using the account it's an addiction, pretty unfair really.
Hi watermelon,
Thanks for sharing your story, sorry to hear you're going through this. Truly understand the hurt that you're feeling as I've been there. In my opinion, at this stage there should be full transparency so you would know the extent of the debt - you need to see evidence and not just rely on his word. You need to see his credit report (experian, clearscore, creditkarma). From the credit report you will see if he has debts that he hasn't yet declared to you, secret loans or other bank accounts. You also need to see his bank app to see his expenditures. My partner switched to Monzo and i got the app on my 2nd phone so I can see all his transactions there without me going through his phone to do it. I don't check it as often now as I used to but i still check quite regularly. There's a gambling block there as well on the Monzo app that he can't immediately deactivate. That way you could also see how much he truly earns. Is he actually paid below minimum wage or that's just what he told you? When my partner was gambling, he lied to me for years and faked his salary so I didn't know how much he truly earned.
The good thing is he recognises there is a problem. He needs to take the lead to stay clean. You can only support. My partner is active on GA (lots are doing it on Zoom if he can't attend physically) and has signed up to Gamstop. He also self excluded from casinos and betting shops. I think your partner will benefit from the GA 12 step programme esp if he has deep routed issues within the family.
How you can protect yourself is perhaps never to get affiliated with him financially. So no joint accounts, don't let him use your credit cards etc. Sadly that means not being able to do a joint mortgage application but if he doesn't earn that much then perhaps that's ok? My partner and I just bought a house jointly because I can never afford on my own and because he earns so much more than me. But as I said I manage all our savings (the money is saved under my name only) and I check his credit report regularly for any red flags. I don't mind doing these things because I feel being able to do so gives me a peace of mind but I appreciate this won;t work for others.
My partner is more than a year clean now (he gambled for more than 15 years so all of his adult life) so it can be done. It requires a LOT of commitment though from himself and a support from you as his partner. Also I feel that good communication between the two of you is so important. Tell him what makes you uncomfortable, if you're feeling on edge about something, etc. This is not just about him, you're also greatly affected by the addiction too.
I wish you all the best and please keep on writing here.
P x
I didn’t make that part clear. I have absolutely zero interest in watching sport and gambling, but sport is a massive passion of his. Pre covid we attended horse racing events as it’s a big social thing for us and our friends. He had been talking about how he only thought he gambled because he had no financial security, and now he does, so he hasn’t felt the desire at all. Placing a bet in cash at an event has never been a problem for him - it’s when it’s virtual. He said to me that since we won’t be able to go shall we place a few bets alongside friends. I didn’t want to be boring and say no, so we put £20 in and i picked my favourite coloured jockey. We both lost and I almost felt it was a good lesson - the only winner is the betting company. Bear in mind I have no experience with gambling addicts and he was convinced he was cured and this was in the path. I would NEVER intentionally sabotage my partners recovery. I just didn’t realise it was still a recovery at the time.
Hello Watermelon and welcome to the forum.
You need to think this through, take a few deep breaths and start looking at this from a stronger perspective.
You can have a loving relationship with separate accounts and you dont have to be a knight in shining armour for your partner because he has had a tough family life. Feeling sorry for someone and wanting to help can get twisted with feelings of love. I have been there and you have to be very careful in a controlled way.
Knowing he is a gambler and may have a gambling addiction you DO have to protect yourself. PROTECT YOURSELF FINANCIALLY! You can only help him from a position of strength and knowledge
Dont rush ahead of yourself as a lot of people do at this stage of life. House marriage...working with him...director of your business. It reads as overwhelming until you have the foundations solid. He may have deep issues about his upbringing and money.....Time to get to know him before exposing your financial affairs and business. Im going to sound harsh because I care about you both
Your money is yours...his money is his...what you choose to share in a pool account gives you both pride and strength. However I would not be sharing anything with a gambler until a proper recovery is started and you are monitoring all finances
I am not saying he doesnt have lovely qualities but we know the power of this addiction and you have to take it very seriously.
Now the elephant in the room is that you would have attended a race meeting if possible. GAMBLING IS A MUGS GAME and it destroys people. Its highly addictive and fast becomes a drug addiction.
Im afraid you have to stop sharing everything and take some pride in monitoring all finances. There is no shame in monitoring because its helping him and its helping you.
You need to talk to him and find out how long he has been gambling in his life. How long have you been gambling?? Gambling is not the answer.Its the worst addiction I know about and a highly dangerous activity.
You can sort this out when you start looking at it and dealing with it in the right way. You both need reality checks that there is to be no more gambling in your household.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi watermelon you can protect yourself by not having any joint bank accounts. As said credit checks. I certainly wouldn’t make him a director.
my gut reaction to your story is he owes money to his parents and that’s why he doesn’t earn much. Plus they don’t trust him to leave the farm to him. That’s my suspicion and could be completely false.
I have been married 22 years and my husband gambled for 18 of them. Constantly said he wasn’t gambling, had secret bank accounts, etc. I’ve discovered many lies and his family enabled him, giving him money behind my back, getting loans for him, etc. Keeping me away from family so I didn’t find out. The measures a gambler will take to keep you in the dark.
The counselling from gamcare will help, there is also Gamanon for f&f. He should look at GA and putting blocks in place. Restricting access to money helps initially. Gamban, gamstop, sign up in your name too.
If you’re really serious about protecting your finances and house I would seek advice from a solicitor. If he’s not committed to stopping he could lose everything you’ve worked so hard for.
I know this sounds dramatic and I didn’t realise this addiction would take over my life, not just my husband. I’ve severed myself financially to protect my share of our house. I’ve also resorted to solicitors letter to make him realise that insurance policies in his name are not just his to spend recklessly.
A compulsive gambler is never cured, they are one bet away from disaster. It takes great strength to stop and ask for help.
Great advice here.
He is a gambling addict and this lock-down has made it easier for him to relapse online. You unintentionally gave into his gambling triggers like "horse betting for friends." That's a red flag and shows he bets with his friends for fun.
You are a good person, sticking by him through this tough time and building his confidence. You should help as much as you can but at the end of the day, he needs to solve these problems directly himself. You shouldn't share a shred of finance with him as he will bankrupt you if this gambling addiction turns sour. I've seen it happen within my family.
Seeking therapy is the first step, and lots of tips here like excluding yourself from online casino is good. Lots of people do not admit their gambling problems in fear of their partner leaving them or manipulate their partners and "borrow" money off them to fund their gambling addiction. Your partner did admit it so that's good. Now is the time to open up, be honest and communicate more to each-other.
Well done on coming here and seeking advice.
As others have said there are a lot of red flags in your story. No one here knows the actual truth but these should be things you are fully aware of. Make no mistake a compulsive gambler can destroy personal or business finances in a matter of hours, this is serious business. You have worked hard to build a successful business it is vital you protect it.
My partner has had to do the same, the main way she does it is by having complete access to everything, it also acts as a great barrier in prevent further gambling relapses. She has full access to my emails, my bank account and my credit score account (in case I borrow and get credit cards out). She can check all these and more from her phone anytime she wants. I have nothing to hide so not a problem, but it would have been a major problem when I was gambling and there is no way I would have given over this kind of control to her.
In your case as previous poster has said, he is mis treated by his family, under paid and not trusted with the farm. Maybe there is a reason for this? who knows but if I were you before I got married and made him a director of your company I would express my concerns to him and want a thorough trawl through his financial past. Any loans, credit he has had in his name etc. Have you ever spoken to his family about the low paid money he got? Compulsive gamblers live off lies so important to have all the facts.
I get that someone you are about to marry is someone you have full trust in but you would not be the first or last person to go ahead with a marriage and several years in be hit with a bombshell.
Also if he had a gambling problem before he should know full well that any sort of gambling is a no no. He used you to enable him to gamble on horse racing. I also have a big passion for sport but I no longer watch or follow horse racing as it it so immeshed with gambling.
I know we may sound a bit harsh but we have lived the path you do not want to go down.
Keep posting here and I wish you well.
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