My partner admitted to gambling over a year ago... tbh at the time I didn’t really think it was as bad as it was, so I offered support but obviously not as much as I could.
since then he has continued to gamble serious amounts of money which has spiralled out of control.
Now here is where I get confused.... He has gone through a hell of a lot and stopped gambling at Christmas, he came clean about all his debts to myself and his family. I told him I wanted to stick by him and support him, which he was surprised about... however for a couple of months we worked through it and he hadn’t gambled.
However over a month ago he had a funny turn and decided that being with me wasn’t fair because he couldn’t possibly ever live with the guilt, we were due to get married and he has cancelled that however stays he wants to be with me, he loves me but he needs to set me free as this isn’t fair on me.
I want to stick by him and support him however he will not let me help, he has moved out too his mums, we still speak most days however he is set that I deserve better and this is best for me.
HELP!!!! How do I stop him from leaving? I want to help and support and I know things will be ok, he says he has a lot of guilt... he filled out the only application for GamCare however has now come to a holt and won’t make the phone call for an appointment. I have backed off to give him his space but it’s so hard, I care and love for him so much and I know he doesn’t mean what he’s saying... he doesn’t want to leave me.... how do I help/stop this!!
Hi A123
Welcome to the forum.
I know this is a difficult time for you and its hard to give you the words you want to hear at this stage.
We are not relationship counsellors but we do know about this addiction.
He will be confused and will feel a lot of guilt. However its an addiction so powerful that leaving you would be a green light to keep gambling. Its not the first time on this forum I have seen a gambler say that he/she wants to set someone free whether they mean it or not.
You will need to build strength and learn about this addiction. You may well end up needing a support network and counselling over this.
Firstly however before you can offer help you need to protect your financial position and roof over your head .Lend him no money and all his wages should come to you.
If it takes some distance to get this going it may not be a bad thing to start with
This addiction twists minds and he will be very confused at the moment. you know your relationship better than us but you should feel no guilt about protecting yourself from the behaviour of a gambling addict.
I hope you will be able to help him but you cant let this be a blind love. Ive been a problem gambler and I wouldnt live with one that was not in full recovery with all finances handled by me.
Its hard to say but dont let him manipulate you with any double bluff. If you love him he could manipulate that and his words may be a classic double bluff.. you begging for him to stay and lending hime money if you get me........they may not be buts its your decision
You want to see action and if he wont get proper help or make phone calls that would be an alarm bell for me.
Bottom line is you cant stop anyone leaving but you can protect yourself and give him help from a position of knowledge and strength
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi,
Thank you for your words.
He has already given me access to all his bank details, money and any passwords etc that could lead to him gambling again. He hasn’t gambled in over 4 months
i have not helped him with any finances as everything I have read says not to do that, he sorted all his finances before coming clean, he has monthly affordable payments which he pays every month with no help.
I feel like he is in the very early stages of recovery he just needs to take the leap to attend sessions and get the further Councilling help.
This is so hard knowing what the right thing to do is
Hello A123
Sorry to hear you're going through this confusing and painful time. It sounds like you really want to support your partner and it's hurting you that he's pushing you away. In the end, there is only so much that is within your control. You need to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help anyone else with theirs, and there is help out there to help you do that.
There's this forum of course, and we do encourage you to keep posting and explore the other threads in the family and friends section here. We also have a chatroom specifically for family and friends at 7pm every Wednesday. The organisation Gam-Anon, for family and friends of gamblers, also have a chatroom which during the COVID-19 crisis is open every evening except Saturday.
At GamCare we also offer free 1:1 support for you, in the same way we offer free treatment for problem gamblers. Here's more information about our treatment.
You're also welcome to contact our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or by webchat - we're open 24 hours.
Take care,
Deirdre
Forum Admin
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