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He’s done it again  

 
Louise40
(@louise40)

I found out in October 2018 that my husband had run up £30k on credit cards, paying huge amounts of interest on top. He moved out and I let him come home in June 2019 for our children’s sakes. He had counselling said he would never do it again, he would not lose his family over it.

I have found today a receipt from w**********l from November for a football bet. He swears it was a one off. He said initially he could not remember having done it. He will seek help again etc. I don’t believe it was a one off. Am I a fool to stay with him? I said last time you do it again and it’s over. We have nothing because of him, live in a small house despite both having well paid jobs when my friends live in lovely homes. I have struggled to forgive him for doing it before, it beggars believe that he has done this again. 

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Posted : 29th February 2020 10:23 pm
Johnny57
(@johnny57)

well you have to realise gambling addiction is an illness. You mention your friends have bigger home than you do personally that shoudn't matter. But what matters is your husband seeks the help he needs. Life is not just about material things. we need some peace of mind . Personally i feel he needs your support to overcome this dreadful illness. You are avictim of this terrible addiction too. There are GA meetings for family too which could help you deal with all this worry. Best wishes

This post was modified 3 months ago by Johnny57
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Posted : 29th February 2020 10:48 pm
slowlearner
(@slowlearner)

Hi Louise,

In answer to your question " Am i  a fool to stay with him " i'm not sure  i'm not a marriage guidance counsellor, however only a fool accepts at face value & believes blindly when we say we've stopped. I'm a CG & we are masters of deceit and no better than a heroine addict who will stop at nothing to acquire  our next fix. GAMBLING IS A DRUG and CGs are addicted.

First of all you must protect yourself & your children financially. Total financial control is the only way forward. By that i mean his salary being paid into your bank & him living on a budget that covers only his bare expenses, like dinner money & fuel expenses to get to work. He must understand & you must make it crystal clear that gambling is no longer acceptable.

Then not only must he seek help but most importantly HE MUST WANT TO. So he must do a 5 year exclusion through GAMSTOP to prevent him gambling online, If he goes into bookmaker shops he must do a shop exclusion and if he's also into casinos ( something i was never addicted to ) i know you can get yourself excluded from those too.

If he agrees to all of these things NEVER take his word for it & insist on being there & seeing every email of confirmation that all measures have been put into place. Insist he seeks help through GA or Gamcare or better still both. Again don't take his word for it, take him to a meeting yourself if you have to. Wives/partners & husbands of CGs need support too. Find your nearest Gamanon meeting & talk to those who've had experience of living with a CG. 

Please phone the Gamcare help line who i'm sure will be more than willing to point you in the right direction & give you the help, support & advice you obviously need. Remember you can never make a CG stop until he's reached rock bottom & good and ready, and you can NEVER  make a CG stop against his will. He has to want it more than anything in this world.

 

Sincere Best Wishes

 

AL

 

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Posted : 1st March 2020 1:07 am
Louise40
(@louise40)

Thank you, he’s already done the self excluding online. He says he needs his own bank account as his credit card payments and his loan for all his gambling debts go out of those accounts and I don’t want those debts in my name. Thank you for all your useful advice. He is ringing gamcare today. 

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Posted : 1st March 2020 8:37 am
Manumad71
(@manumad71)

Hi Louise

The debts won’t be in your name the direct debits will just come from your account. I did the same thing with my wife a few years ago and kept my own account and CC, I’d pretty much cleared all my debts with money from the sale of a house I owned with my ex. Unfortunately as I still had the accounts open, long story short I ran up another *k in debt through these accounts and broke her heart again.

i took out a loan to clear everything again and now everything goes through my wife’s account but the debt is in my name. As a CG I can’t trust myself to have access to my own accounts. Seriously I’d put your foot down and insist everything goes through you. We’re a sly and sneaky bunch so we need the means and temptation completely removing.

Good luck and I hope you both get through this.

This post was modified 3 months ago by Forum admin
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Posted : 1st March 2020 11:44 am
EmmaLF
(@emmalf)

Hi Louise40,

I have sat and read this to my boyfriend who is a recovering gambler, he says he would always know he's done that one debt. I had taken control of my boyfriend's credit cards and banking, all still in his name but I ensured everything was paid on his behalf so please don't think it would have to be in your name, if your partner has access to money there is always a danger of him gambling again, you can't completely take every risk away but you can limit it. As for your friends having nice houses you have every right to feel resentment, every person who works hard and earns their own money should be able to enjoy the fruits of their labour, I too have the same issues for a few years yet, my boyfriend's gambling debts c*****e him financially so we both work hard with very little reward x

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Posted : 1st March 2020 12:14 pm
Lethe
(@lethe)

He 'needs his own bank account' so he can hide what's going on from you. If he really wants to stop he won't object to you controlling the finances. Either he has a joint bank account or a basic bank account you control which offers no OD. The credit cards and loans are his. You won't become liable for them however they are paid although you will become liable for any debt he runs up on a joint account which is why you must be all over it if that's the route you take.

You can't trust him so don't. No-one can answer whether you would be foolish to stay but what would be foolish is not to protect your own interests.

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Posted : 1st March 2020 1:34 pm
Louise40
(@louise40)

Thank you so much for your comments and advice. I have access to his bank account, he got some additional cash from work that I didn’t know about and gambled with that so I could never eliminate all risk. He begrudgingly rung gamcare tonight. He says if he can be believed that it was just the once and he won’t do it again. I have for months asked him if he felt the need to do it again and I was concerned he was not getting ongoing support, he always said he wouldn’t and I made it clear if he did we would be over but we have young kids who adore him. I can’t believe he has let me down again. I will speak with him about closing is bank account and using his. I feel like I am the one who has ended up with the gambling loser who I have wasted so many years on where as my friends have lovely husbands who provide for them and give them lovely life’s. I have a really good job and I am sure people think it does. not add up where we live. I have been blind to this for so long as I trusted him not to do anything that would ruin ours or our children’s future, I hate him right now.

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Posted : 1st March 2020 9:26 pm
EmmaLF
(@emmalf)

I'm sure your friends seem like they have lovely lives but no-one really knows what goes on behind closed doors so try not to be too hung up about them. You have every right to feel this anger and I really hope he accepts his addiction and admits it to himself but you can't force that, that can only come from him, once that happens there is hope but it's a lot of understanding and constant checking but it's so worth it for you and your family x

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Posted : 1st March 2020 9:41 pm
Louise40
(@louise40)

He really did accept he had a problem in October 2018 when he hit rock bottom and confessed his £30k debt and yet we are back there again. He nearly lost everything, his parents also threatened to disown him and suddenly last November he decided he would walk into a bookies, deliberately going out of his way to place this bet, god knows why the slip was still in his wallet over three months later. Still says it was a one off. He makes me feel so utterly stupi to have trusted him.

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Posted : 1st March 2020 10:27 pm
Simon50
(@simon50)

Hi Louise, this was a heartbreaking read as I know only too well the emotional damage we do to our loved ones when in the grips of gambling addiction. People who have replied have echoed many of my own sentiments but I did just want to comment on the house issue and what your friends have. Like others, I do empathise completly and it is perfectly natural that you should have these feelings. You have both worked so hard and to not see any result of that hard work, at least not in a positive way, must be awful to accept. I suppose the word 'accept' is the key word here though, both for the gambler and for those around them. No healing on either side can take place who happen until all parties accept the situation they are in and talk about how to make changes going forwward. This my personal opinion about it at least. As a gambler, I find it incredibly difficult to accept and let go of all the money I have lost in my life, it could have bought so much. But I can also easily get caught in that place of self-pity and stay there for so a long time. That inevitably leads to further gambling as a way to numb the pain. This illness (or disease) really is baffling and insiduous and the fact that it so often controls me is at times, an unbearable thought for me.

PLease keep sharing your thoughts on your thread as I shall enjoy hearing how you are each day. Know that you are not alone in so many way (how you feel, what could have been, people who understand the addiction etc) so many can relate on here and there are many partners and family members here looking for support too.

I wish I could offer something more, to all those whose deeply distrutbing and very sad stories I read daily, its so difficult and such a destructive illness. You must follow your heart and your instincts and do what you know to be right for you, and it will be. Trust in yourself Louise and be strong on your own journey. Nobody could ever know whose relationship could survive and whoe could not but the harsh reality is that it really does go one way or the other. I would agree with those that have said compulsive gamblers are not to be trusted. I hate saying it because I am ultimately talking about myself (my hatred saying it is my ego) but its the truth. I have let myself down and others down so many times in my life and still aged 50, here I am battling it out once more. Its just hottible. In conclusion then, you must put yourself and your children first Louise, always.

Thinking of you, Simon.

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Posted : 2nd March 2020 2:49 am
Lethe
(@lethe)

Everything you are feeling is completely normal. We all feel stupid when we realise how easily we've believed what we wanted to hear, we all get consumed with whether they're at it again but the truth is we can't stop them if they're determined to do it and agitating over it is a slow road to insanity. Better to get the blocks in place and limit the possibility of further damage as much as we can.  You've been knocked for six but you are the rational one in this and it's therefore you who calls the shots and draws the red lines.

There's a lot of talk about rock bottom but there's always another trap door to fall through if they won't give up and innocents get dragged along for the ride. There's a wealth of advice and support out there for him when (if) he's ready to stop. Prioritise you.

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Posted : 2nd March 2020 9:53 am
Boymummy
(@boymummy)

Had to reply as I know how u feel I have the exact same emotions. Always feel like should I leave him n upset my children? Y me, y can’t I have nice things? But when I think big picture in sickness and health better or worse I need to accept n help support best I can I can’t control what he does but I can help. I’m about to take control of all money n give him pocket money. I have given him different ways he can ask for help I guess I have to wait for him to be ready. This is the hardest thing I have had to do n I cry n worry daily. My heart is forever racing!!! Here if u need a chat x

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Posted : 6th March 2020 11:47 am
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