Hi, I’m new to the forum but looking for some help please.
So I lived with a gambler for around 6 years, until this January when I moved back to my parents, I had to move back as for the past 6 years he has got me into more and more debt, to the point of breaking, I’m in a good job however when I got paid the money would go straight out to people he owed money to, usually family. Sometimes sending over 2k to people and leaving either of us with no money.
He has struggled with gambling and I thought he was finally on the mend, until finding out recently he has gone back to his old ways, and seems worse than ever.
I’m his closest friend and the one that he seems to be the most honest with. I’ve recently taken control of his banking, however he’s still trying to gamble at any opportunity, borrowing money or selling things to fund it. He asks me daily or several times a day to borrow money, and try’s to make me feel guilty to give him money a lot of the time. I’ve bailed him out too many times now I have no money. He knows when I get paid and he knows that now I’m back at my parents I don’t have many bills so have a lot of excess money, so I can help him when he gets into trouble. It’s putting me in a really awkward place because I’m stopping him having his own money some of the time. I’m not a very strong character so find this really difficult.
He tells me about how low he’s feeling and how he doesn’t want to be here and I’m genuinely worried for his welfare now and I don’t know what to do, because I feel I’m harming him if I do give him money or I don’t give him money. I’ve asked him to ring the doctors at speak to GamCare, but he doesn’t seem to want to at the minute.
There’s only me that knows the true extent to this, should I be the one to tell friends and family or should it come from him direct? I feel like I’m betraying him if I tell people and fear I might make his depression worse. I’m one of his few friends and I feel like it may push him away with not many people in his life. The same as I feel like someone stronger should be the one controlling his banking as I’m just as much to blame that I give in and send him money, I want to help but I dont know what to do?
Hi feellost. Well done for reaching out . You've moved back to your parents are you still together as a couple of just friends now? It's really difficult and I can see that you really are " inbetween a rock and a hard place". However the harsh reality is is that if you are controlling his finances he should not be getting money for gambling either out of his money or yours. It's called "enabling". Very simple by giving him money you are enabling him to gamble. Please don't take that as a criticism, you are in a very tough place. If he refuses to get help you yourself should get advice from Gamcare you need advice on how you should handle this , and also some support for yourself as this is hard on you. Best wishes
Thanks for replying, were just friends now, I know I shouldn’t give him money, I feel terrible no matter what I do, I’ve spoke to GamCare a few days ago but I only got advice if he wants to change, I’ve gave him the info on how to do it but he hasn’t spoke to them yet, so I really don’t know how I can help him. I know financially he’s ok and it’s not too late before it all goes too wrong, he doesn’t owe much out, just what I’ve paid to him. However I’ve let that go. I just want him to see sense
Hi feellost
gambling addiction is all about secrets and lies, manipulation and enabling. This is his addiction not yours, so you can’t fix this.
when a gambler hands over control of finances it’s because they want to get better, they don’t see their money, they provide receipts for everything. Money is their drug, so they need to have blocks and restrictions to help them get better.
a gambler who hands over finances and then constantly asks for money is only handing over responsibility and blame.
addiction is isolating, therefore no friends, lots of secrets. It also suits an addict to tell you he has no friends so you don’t know who else they’ve borrowed from or lied to.
you then become the isolated one keeping all their secrets and having all the worry.
the problem is that when you don’t seek help or support for debt you end up paying back what you can’t afford therefore ending up with no money. These are not your debts, they are his.
eventually you end up in a constant cycle that repeats, the debt gets bigger.
enabling, that’s a problem we have being around an addict. We think we’re helping, we want them to be well, let’s help, let’s fix them.
enabling takes away responsibility, it makes their life seem normal to outsiders. It makes us feel better, we’re helping.
and so the cycle continues.
start being selfish. Put your self first, look after your own money, be financially secure.
You can’t fix this, it has to come from him. If you take the responsibility away from him he won’t have a reason to stop.
things that can help are: calling stepchange (debt charity), blocks so you can’t gamble (gamban, gamstop), bank accounts that don’t allow gambling transactions, self exclusion from bookies. Seeking help for depression from gp, calling gamcare, finding GA meeting. These are things he can do.
Things you can do: if you have debts call stepchange, call gamcare, look at gamanon website, learn about addiction and enabling.
you have made some really important decisions to protect and distance yourself.
I’m surprised gamcare didn’t offer you more help.
if he owes you money draw up an agreement where he pays you back small amounts over time. This makes it ‘real’.
you don’t have to be the one who tells people/family about his gambling, they may already know, but don’t lie for him.
When he tells you how he’s feeling, tell him he needs to seek real help, you’re not a dr. This is manipulation, to make you feel sorry for him, to give in, to give him the money.
tough love! You have to stop ‘helping’, to help. Learn to say ‘no’. Set some ground rules, especially about money. If he breaks them, you have to have a consequence.
I was reading your post and felt a need to reply. I'm also a gambling addict who suffers from depression, and felt suicidal in the past. This gambling addiction is just like a drug, and nobody understands better then another gambling addict. I’m actually working on myself to stop gambling. You did the right thing by leaving. You tried to help him, but it's honestly up to him. He has to want to change and do better for him self. That is the first step with trying to make a change. I realised all my time being away at the casino was affecting my family. I would lose constanly, and would always have someone to help loan me money. It got to the point I got so in debt with owing people, that they didn't want anything to do with me or loan me any more money. I wasn't able to keep my promise on paying what I owed, because I kept losing money and getting deeper in debt from the casino. Sometimes I would win, but greed would take over and I would give it all back. The sad truth is money becomes like monopoly money in the casino. I have no problem stuffing the slot full of hundreds, but if I was at a store I would care about the price being too high. It's when you no longer have anyone to enable your addiction, is when you realize what you've done. Yeah, I did blame family for not helping me with money to get to casino. I had to realize how stupid I really was for thinking they was wrong for not helping me gamble. It took me being at my lowest, not having 10 cents to my name to buy food or pay bills. I never wanted to be homeless, so I was blessed to keep a roof over my head while hiding my car from the repo man. Living like that is not is so unhealthy. The rent was the only thing getting paid, but everything else wasn't. It took me sitting in my place with no lights, no food, and no gas money to actually say I'm tired of this. I can tell you really love this person, but you have to love yourself too. If you've expressed your concern, and this man is not willing to get help, then you have done all you can do. I've had times I wanted to kill myself for all the money I lost, and stress I've caused. I got to the point of giving away stuff, because I felt like I was really going to off myself. It was my loved ones who still showed me they cared, that stopped me from doing the unthinkable. Going into a mental hospital was a eye opener for me. I don’t want to ever go back to a mental hospital. I hope he can go to a outpatient mental clinic for help, before it get out of hand like my depression. I think by you managing his bank account is a way of saying he wants to do better. It's just you can only do so much before you get stressed from him demanding money or making you feel bad because be wants to gamble. I've felt like the only way to be happy is go gamble when I was stressed or bored, and my adult kids would let me. They didn't want me depressed, but I feel awful now knowing I was manipulating them so they could feel sorry and let me go. Another thing about a gambling addict is that we will figure out ways to get some money. I've stolen money from my adult daughter bank account. I feel awful on what I did. It's like I was possessed, and knew I could pay it back. In my mind I would pay it back after I win big at the casino. Well I did win off the $180 I stole from my daughter. I won a $xxxx jackpot on Dancing drums. Instead of leaving the casino, I played it all back to the slots. I got greedy hoping for a bigger win. I was so sick and couldn't believe I lost all that money. Its like you go in a trance, because you don’t know what time it is and they don’t have windows. I had to pawn my computer to pay my daughter back what I stole. Now are relationship is bad and I’m working on her forgiveness. I've hit rock bottom, but I still have moments of wanting to go to the casino. I'm really trying, and it's one day at a time. I just have to remind myself of all the money I've lost and the stress I've caused. I banned myself from the casino for a year. It doesn't feel good when nobody can help you out of a mess you created from gambling. I think when he doesn't have anyone to enable his habit, that's when he might want to do better. I know everyone is different, but hitting rock bottom is what woke me up. If he is not willing to get any mental help, then it's best you let him know your concern and stand your ground. If you don’t stand your ground and continue to be manipulated, it will not go well for you. I know you don't want to tell his business, but if he is talking about suicide, it's best someone knows that can actually help. Demand he get help to save what’s left he have of you. If he doesn’t agree, let him know how serious it is to commit suicide. How he would leave so much pain on you and his loved ones. I had a friend who committed sucide over a breakup, after I had got my mental help from being admitted. I got to see how painful the effect was on the family and friends like myself. Here I was talking about ending my life, and my friend actually did it. I thought about how selfish he was, and how selfish I was for even talking about doing it. You can only take on so much. I know you wouldn't want it to feel like it's your fault if anything happened. I'm a private person too, but when family knew I was suicidal, they got me help. My friend didn’t get help, and nobody knew he was suicidal. So if he talks about ending his life, please get him some help. With him sharing that about being suicidal, means he doesn’t really want to die. It’s outcry for help, before it does get out of control and he actually follow through. I have someone to manage my money. If I did it on my own then I would be back broke with overdrafted accounts. I’m not going to lie to you and say I don’t think about gambling. It’s the same with him, it will take time. With you helping him with his money is good, but if he is stressing you over it, then it's not worth you getting stressed and sick behind him. So basically he has to want to do better in order for things to improve. If he still refusing to get help for his depression and gambling, then you have to cut the cord. A lot of my depression came from toxic people, who where emotional vampires. I took on the stress from dealing with being a Single divorced mother, care taker of a dying parent, abusive boyfriend, and toxic friends, and low paying job. The worse thing was me discovering the casino 3 years ago with toxic friends who are gambling addicts. All it took was my big win of $xxxx jackpot and I was hooked. So anytime I got stressed would trigger a reason to go to the casino. We think the casino is the answer, but it's not. It's something we are fighting inside ourselves. We enjoy the casino when we are winning, but not when we lose it all. The casino just made my depression worse. You have to show him how much he has lost. When I found out I lost around $80,000, I was shocked. I could have invested money into a business or something more better then the casino. I was losing more then I was winning, but we don't realize it. We keep chasing that money we lost, only to keep going more in debt. Do the best you can to get him on the right track, but don't allow this to make your health poor. Please know it's not your fault for someone else foolish actions. The old saying about bringing the horse to water, but you can’t make him drink it. I take full responsibility for my stupidity. I hope he wants to do better. I hope my message doesn’t offend you. I just know if a person isn’t trying to change after you have done everything to help, then it’s time to let go. You can’t continue to let someone else problems effect yours. You have to love yourself enough to walk away. I was toxic at one time, but I’m doing my best to keep my loved ones stress free. I'm wishing you and him the best of luck in getting through this.
Hi, MGR is so good with advice as you can see from above, I just wanted to add one point from my own experience. I've also written this many times elsewhere on the site but I am the compulsive gambler, I have been addicted for more than 20 years.
The best thing to ever happen to me was for my sister to say no.
My wife had no options - I'd ruined her finances, the same for my mother and in that last desperate moment I turned to my sister, the most financially comfortable of us all and asked for some help, she said no and in doing so saved my life.
I was initially angry, scared, desperate but she was very firm, no help for me (financially)
One thing I've never really said though is that about 2 weeks prior to my rock bottom, I was sinking fast and yet I know, deep down, I gambled whilst thinking of ways I could ask my sister for money. I was so used to manipulating those around me, I was subconsciously working on my story as to why I needed her help.
Anyway, the point I just wanted to make, please look after yourself, this is not your battle, the choices are theirs to make and the consequences are theirs to face - not yours.
best wishes and sorry you are facing this
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