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HELP I don't know what to do  

 
Aimie_Lou
(@aimie_lou)

Firstly, hi everyone. I'm new here and well I need some help. I'm sorry, it is a long one. Gracious to anyone who reads.

I'm a mum of two, a nearly 4 year old and a 5 month old. And about 4 years ago I found evidence of my boyfriend (now of nearly five years) had a gambling problem. Now, ever since I knew him, I knew he liked to put a bet on here and there and occasionally use the online slots. But it never showed to be a problem. But forwarding to just about a year together just soon after our first son was born he managed a big win just before Christmas. Which at the time was great and he showed no signs of having any problems. But then over the coming months, being in a new house etc. I kept noticing whenever I asked for a bit of money for nappies or baby wipes just until I got paid. He would say he was skint and tried playing off that after rent (which was only £400 at the time including bills) and paying his phone bill (said it was over charging him) and paying of court fees each month that he wasn't left with much which for maybe a month or two I was naive to believe. But then I got to thinking about his phone bill (because I kept pestering him to sort it out with the company as they shouldn't be over charging him) and one day I decided to open a couple of his bank statements, as they always came through the door but he never opened them. So I open a couple to look for what would be his phone bill for clarification and behold there it is. Payments after payments to google play paying for coins on games which was bad enough to see that he was happily spanking money on fake money...but then I notice payments upon payments for betting sites! So I opened more...months worth intact and he had been spanking £xxx's of pounds each month. Worst month was just over £xxx if my memory serves me correctly. So of course, with a young child, wanting to save to move out from living and renting from his Mum I am absolutely devastated, angry, disappointed all wrapped into one. So with the support of his mum I confronted him and at first he turned it on me, 'why you checking my bank?', 'how dare you!' Stuff like that, typical behaviour for someone who has been caught out. And because of issues we had already had within the relationship I told him I wasn't having it, that the things we would of missed out on, things our child would of missed out on just because of this addiction so I told him I was leaving. He begged me not to leave, that he would stop etc. And to lack of my better judgement I stayed and for a while he did great. Few months later, there was a particular few football games on and he spoke about the betting odds and stupid me (because the real problem was slots) said "well okay, put a bet on but I'm over looking the whole thing, the bet, your account. I will have partial control of what you do, when you do it" and he agreed. But the thing is that actually worked, for a long time and I was happy with how it was going. 

Fast forward again, can't remember how long exactly but he ended up doing a slot with left over winnings from a bet he won. And at the time I didn't know until he told me he won. So I brought up the past, he insisted he knew, that he was fine and continued to be honest with me. That's of course up until a few months ago, I started noticing the same/similar behaviours from before. Less money, asking to borrow money of his grand parents more often than he should need to. Now I knew our rent in our own place (currently £695) takes up most his wages and after bill's etc. He wouldn't be left with much, but enough to be comfortable, maybe enjoy a day out or to be able to treat ourselves and the boys maybe but that was not the case. So I needed to know where the money was going...two things crossed my mind. That he was either finding time to cheat on me or the gambling was back in full swing and ofc ourse it was the gambling. Once again £xxx's not as much as before as he physically wouldn't have that spare bit pretty much every spare bit of money he had after bill's was all  being thrown at slots AGAIN. So there and then with his account open on his phone whilst he slept I put his account into a time out, knowing it would be the first thing he noticed as it was a weekend and he always checks the footy on sky and will put a £x bet on some games. And when he did all hell broke loose, once again turning it on me, threw his phone down and just pointed at the "locked out" notification and I said "yeah I did what had to be done". He walked out about 45 minutes later and was picked up by a family friend after quite a bit of arguing and me having to repeat myself over and over about how bad it is, we need the money now we are a family of 4 and not 3. Because every penny I get, by the time I get it is gone because I was covering everything that shouldn't of had to of been. Anyway, he soon came back with his tail between his legs, apologised and insisted that this was it, it would stop now because he sees yet again he has a problem. But he has never seeked any actual help and now I'm at my wits end. We move to a bigger house next week. His grandparents have helped with a deposit but gave it in cash so whilst he was at work I put it in the bank. And I have just found evidence that from the moment that money got into his account (20th) he deposited £xx in three separate £xx deposits within not even half an hour. And nearly everyday since..especially since getting paid on the 25th he has just been putting more in. Turns out from the last week alone he has deposited close to just over £xxx! He has won and withdrew  on one occasion and again on another so thankfully he is only roughly £xx down but what if he hadn't of won?! His bank had our new homes deposit money in! I'm so angry.

Because what set it off for me to check was when literally just this morning he was funny and moaned about having to send over nearly £50 for some tickets for an event that he's known we are going to for ages! And the reason he did is because he knows he's now down money, that shouldn't be down because we need it for the move...and it's likely more than what I have seen because I have only looked at one betting site. 

So now I'm left with what do I do? Confront him and then he knows I went snooping and it gets turned on me again and I just can't be dealing with that. I don't want to leave because addiction is an illness which needs to be helped not isolated. But I need to put my foot down some how and he needs to get help. With officially no more slots, no more footy bets. Not even the grand national once a year! It's done. No more but I need help with how to go about this. Do I honestly just scare him into thinking I'm actually leaving this time? Until he gets help and starts to go counselling/to a group? HELP because this has got to end. And now! 

 

This topic was modified 3 weeks ago by Forum admin
Quote
Posted : 27th September 2019 12:04 pm
Nonrunner
(@nonrunner)

Hi Aimie Lou , 

Obviously I don’t have the definitive answer to your problem , but from what I can gather from your post is that you’ve lost all trust in your partner . He clearly has continued to play slots whilst you   thought he had stopped but if he has s problem with gambling like myself then you have to realise that a little bet leads to much worse and very quickly .

You are rightly thinking of your family and what is best you all but personally I think if you are threatening to leave him to try to get him to stop it may make him think that he has already ruined any chance of happiness for the future.

He needs to know that he can change if he wants to , with help and support. Obviously you care so much that you’ve come on here for advice and that shows how much you really want him still.

Despite all the pain and suffering  I’m sure it’s not what either of you would want .

He will be suffering inside so much more than you’ll see . Encourage him to seek proper help. 

The phone call to Gamcare I made  was one of the hardest things I’ve done but definitely one of the most important .

Maybe if you could just get him to be brave enough to do the same  you might get him on the road to recovery .

I hope everything works out for you and all your family in the future 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th September 2019 11:25 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hi.. I am a compulsive gambler.

I have read your story.

I can't imagine what it must feel like to be in your shoes

Your boyfriend is an addicted gambler with all the lies deceit and secretiveness that goes with it.

He can't be trusted with money. he's addicted to the risk and to the thrill of the big win or the potential of the big win. That's it in a nut shell. But of course even if he does get a big win, he won't stop as you have found out. he will want to repeat, repeat, repeat. Being in action is intoxicating. Stopping and more importantly staying stopped is extremely hard. It starts with...

1... A commitment from him not to gamble anymore.

2... Practical barriers. He must sign up to Gamstop. It will STOP him gambling online. It covers 99% of all online casino's and gambling sites. I would suggest you sign up to gamstop too. It will stop him using your details to sign up to new gambling sites.

For your good self you need to educate yourself about gambling addiction IF you decide you want to stay with your boyfriend. There is a wealth of info on this site... but you might also want to read "inside the mind of an action gambler" and/or "inside the mind of an escape gambler" (google them)... it will give some incite...

I hope you can find your way through. Get your own talking support.

All the best

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th September 2019 4:32 pm
Aimie_Lou
(@aimie_lou)

Thank you. For both of your replies. I have never been good with confrontation so all this. I find so hard to deal with. But like I have done in the past I need to confront, support and help. But this time it won't only be me. It will be professional help too.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th September 2019 2:42 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hi... Your not alone, am terrible with confrontation. Even when am 100% sure that ive been wronged by someone I find myself ending up apologising and then being angry with myself for seemingly being so weak.

But the thing is this... you haven't done anything wrong and you shouldn't have to confront an addicted gambler... its the addicted gamblers responsibility to be humble and eat lots of humble pie at your door.

Your responsibility is to yourself and to protect yourself from the consequences of gambling and to generally look after number 1... and thats you. Get your own support just for yourself. Your ok. 🙂

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th September 2019 10:51 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi Aimie-Lou 

When a gambler is in full addiction mode they will promise you the world, they'll stop, get help, go to GA meetings, etc. He has been found out, you know he's gambling anything he can. You are moving to a new house, is this still a rental or did he get a mortgage? I'm only asking because of his credit record. You need to safeguard your  finances. Do credit checks. Don't give  him any money, don't pay his debts. Don't believe what he says, only what you see. Pay everything yourself. He should be giving you the money for bill's etc then you know it's paid. If family and friends lend you money they are taking away his responsibility to pay his way and his own debts.

this is a long term problem that will only get better with his 100% commitment. It will not change if you force him to get help, he will become more secretive and angry. 

You have to put yourself first. Seek help for you, call gamcare, find a gamanon meeting. Living with an addict is tough. They are compulsive liars and until they have no where else to turn they will continue. 

you need to take control, change what you do, you cannot change him, he has to want to stop.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th September 2019 11:06 am
Aimie_Lou
(@aimie_lou)

Thank you so much. That's exactly how I am. Always end up apologising when it's not even me that should be. But I'm not doing that this time. 

I have since spoken to my partner, but only briefly. Once he is home from work I am going to tell him about Gamstop and he is going to sign up in front of me. Sadly though, I went through the list of the ones they work with and the two main sources are not on there. So removing his accounts on them will be an extra step for him to take. 

And at the same time, get all the support I need too because I need to look after myself and my two sons. They can't grow up in a home with this happening month after month.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th September 2019 11:06 am
Aimie_Lou
(@aimie_lou)
Posted by: Merry go round

Hi Aimie-Lou 

When a gambler is in full addiction mode they will promise you the world, they'll stop, get help, go to GA meetings, etc. He has been found out, you know he's gambling anything he can. You are moving to a new house, is this still a rental or did he get a mortgage? I'm only asking because of his credit record. You need to safeguard your  finances. Do credit checks. Don't give  him any money, don't pay his debts. Don't believe what he says, only what you see. Pay everything yourself. He should be giving you the money for bill's etc then you know it's paid. If family and friends lend you money they are taking away his responsibility to pay his way and his own debts.

this is a long term problem that will only get better with his 100% commitment. It will not change if you force him to get help, he will become more secretive and angry. 

You have to put yourself first. Seek help for you, call gamcare, find a gamanon meeting. Living with an addict is tough. They are compulsive liars and until they have no where else to turn they will continue. 

you need to take control, change what you do, you cannot change him, he has to want to stop.

Thank you. It's still a rental as because from where I lost a lot of my monthly money when I had to stop working I myself got into debt with stuff like phone Bill's because I couldn't always afford it month by month and couldn't afford to pay it off either so sadly neither of our credit scores are the best so we can't get a mortgage right now anyway. But that said, luckily the rent and Bill's are always paid. It's all the extra money we could save month to month, or spend on family days, or stuff for the boys. Heck, even nappies or formula when I don't have enough until I get paid next. But he's not having THAT money to do that. So as a family we are all missing out on things we could be doing. And I would never pay his debts. He's doing that all himself...I actually pay his debt to the council with his card each week because I set it up with the debt collectors for him with his permission. 

 

It's just when I know what we could do as a family it hurts. So I think he will get help.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th September 2019 11:19 am
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