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Help! I don’t know what the right thing to do is

 
Dianna06
(@dianna06)

I am in a right pickle about what to do. My partner had a lot of debit when I met him, £15k.

I didn’t know about it all straight away but over time he opened up and let me take control of his finances with little complaining along the way.

He is now down to just one credit card £1800 left paying off steadily over the coming months, with nice savings in an account towards a house, all of which he never had before! 

So, I have always known he likes to gamble, it’s been the only cause of arguments in our relationship but I do have control of everything. 

We’re about to buy a house together so I can see on clear score he’s not hiding anything sinister.

The issue is, outside of his normal wage he makes money buying and selling, and this money he doesn’t care if he wastes. Sometimes he saves like a trooper, sometimes he could spend £600 without batting an eyelid with the response always being ‘well it never comes from my wages’.

During lockdown he didn’t spend a penny for 6 weeks whilst on furlough and he said it’s because he didn’t have a guaranteed income, so I do see some shimmers of hope. I know he hates that he does it. 

He does suffer with low self esteem and depression and we got him on antidepressants a while back, I noticed a little change but he’s not taking them regularly.

My dilemma is, he is a nice guy, family and friends love him, he’s helpful, he’s generous, he’s never been bad to me, he’s never stolen from me, he’s never taken my money, he doesn’t manipulate me and I think the world of this incredibly kind and sweet human but every so often this need comes over him and he doesn’t care about the money he’s made on the side. 

I’m scared about leaving my home I worked hard towards to go into one with someone I can’t help but worry about, even if he does promise he’s never jeopardise the house.

I don’t want to give up on him when he’s in the fragile state, for him to leave and waste all that money he worked so hard to save for but I also don’t want this life.

I know it’s ultimately my decision but I don’t know what to do.

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 17th January 2022 12:33 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hello Dianna06 and Welcome

The money made on the side is a delusional statement which gives him a false excuse or an out...... Ive heard that excuse many times on the forum and its most often the addiction talking or he doesnt like the feeling of a controlled life

Its a dangerous gambling trigger in the sense that he thinks of it as money on the side which doesnt really matter.... what can it hurt etc etc

Its all money he has earned which should go into the same acccount held by you for safety

Is he gambling as you should have a sixth sense now which is alerted by anything strange or unusual.... gamblers with an addiction can be extremely sneaky to protect the secret

Reading through what you say, you need to fully protect yourself as you can only help from a position of knowledge and strength

You can both never be complacent again and you need to fully realise that you could be entering financial arrangements with a compulsive gambler that may not have done enough of a recovery journey 

I dont want to scare you and you know your relationship better than us. I applaud your caring feelings and im not trying to split you up

However you really need full control of the finances. You know in your heart if this can work. Gambling addiction is a drug addiction and you would do well to learn more about it

There is no shame in reality checks and ultimatums..... that is you hold all savings in a single account and if he values the importance of love and relationships he will understand that and feel some relief you are there

I have to advise you to keep your home and not rush into anything. Im not saying he is a bad person but I know the power of the adddiction

That said it can be made history with the right help and support if he is ready to see the light

Its difficult to give you the words you may want to hear. You are right that its your decision based on protecting yourself fully from any financial default

The forum is always here and if you can get some support from family and friends. Nobody here is judging you for something that isnt your fault. 

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 6 months ago 2 times by Joydivider
ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th January 2022 1:40 pm
Compulsive Gambler
(@compulsive-gambler)

Hi, I'm the addict and for my own 'recovery' I've had to choose a life without any gambling at all.  I never actually jeopardised the mortgage payment and we had a mortgage for about 5 of the 20 years I gambled - I say we, my wife had a mortgage, I'd never have qualified for one.

 

What I did do though was spend every spare penny I could lay my hands on, then I progressed to whatever funds I could get hold of, so credit card, loans etc.  I used to intercept the post and syphon off anything that might give the game away, sometimes driving 30 miles home in my lunch hour, picking up post and then driving back to work - and lots more.  My wife, trusting as she is was oblivious to just how much I was doing - none of the statements ever showed a gambling transaction except one unknown account that was online only and registered to an old address so nothing ever came through, so over time I just became an absolute master at deception and cover ups - at some stage it morphed in outright lying.

On of my many issues is a mental weakness that always allowed me to control and stop from spending the mortgage payment, always stopped me from spending all of the food money - I'd leave enough available that we survived - we were just slowly sinking into debt.  What went alongside this is that I would 'stop' myself from breaking through certain barriers, so I wouldn't let the credit card cover say £250 and I'd stick to that - for a while - then I'd realise it was now £270 because of interest so I'd reset my mental limit to £500, this pattern would repeat till the credit was maxed and the phrase I cannot win because I cannot stop is one that is really true for me.

I'm trying to share this because there is every chance your bf is the same or similar to me - it's fine whilst he uses the excuse of it's not from my wages, very deluded but fine, the issue will come when there is a bump in the road, a really bad day when he has no other 'spare' money and so uses his 'wages' , just a fiver - then boom, the flood gates are opened.

 

I would really really urge caution and would never recommend anyone becomes financially committed to or with a gambler.

I'm almost 5 years without placing a bet now, I'm also still one bet from an absolute meltdown.

Best wishes whatever you decide to do, if you do continue with a joint purchase just look at how you can protect yourself - legally not just words from the gambler, sadly as far as money goes our words are meaningless

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th January 2022 8:17 am
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