Help and advice.

Hello Roo17,

Welcome to the GamCare forum. I am really glad that you have joined and that you are reaching out for support. I hope that you find connecting with other members here helpful.

It sounds as though you have been supportive towards your husband but that it is a stressful time, with his gambling leading to both emotional and financial difficulties.

You are very welcome to contact us on our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or on Netline at https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now/,  to speak one to one with an advisor, who can offer support and talk you through various options that can help. We are here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, so there is always someone that you can talk to.

Best wishes,

Sophie

Forum Admin 

Hi Roo17,

I really feel for you as my husband is also a gambling addict. He is now in recovery but I am always on my guard in case he lapses again. It's a horrible addiction and so hard on families and loved ones. 

When I first found out I really struggled to process it all and found my emotions were all over the place, going from being angry to wanting to support him to resenting him for putting me through it all. 

It's good that he wants to stop and that he has given you access to his finances etc. Be careful to protect your own finances. You have to look after yourself. 

Has he put any blocks in place such as Gamstop on devices if he gambles online or excluding himself from local betting shops? These things are really important in case he struggles and gets any urges to gamble. 

The advisors on here can give really good advice about gambling blocks and ways that you can protect your own financial situation. There is also access to counselling for you and your husband if you feel that would help. 

Keep posting as it will help you and there are so many people on here who can relate and give advice and support. 

Take care. 

J x

Hi jess27,

Yeah he has installed gamstop on his phone and picked the 5 year option. He doesn't go into shops it's been online on his phone.

Thankfully we don't have any joint accounts and he only has the 1 basic bank account.

My emotions are all over the place today and I feel scared. 

It's good that he has installed gamstop for 5 years. He has stopped for a long period before so hopefully he can do it again. 

It is so hard on loved ones. I have long periods where I feel quite positive about things but I still have days where I feel really sad and angry about it all. 

Take care.

J x

Hi Roo17

I’m sorry to hear he relapsed. As Jess said above, he was able to do it before so he can do it again. What can be learned from this relapse? How did he slip? So that you both can put something in place to reduce the risk of it happening again. The impt is he is committed to abstain/recover and willing to put in the hard work.

My mantra has always been ‘trust but verify’ with my recovering compulsive gambler partner. No matter how great days could be, i know that this is an addiction and both of hs can never be complacent. All CGs are just 1 day away from the next bet no matter how long they’ve been in recovery for. There should be complete visibility on anything related to finances (bank account, credit report etc) and for us this will be permanently.

Keep posting here as there are a lot of really useful information and advice on the forum, i continue to learn so much on here.

P x

I have only joined today, and am a mixed bag of emotions reading some of these posts.  Relief that i'm not on my own, but also dread that people are highlighting things that i think I know in my gut are true, but are maybe a bit too difficult to face, if that makes sense?

My partner of 18 years (two children, joint mortgage) has always had an 'addictive personality', drink, recreational drugs etc.  To cut a very long and complex story (aren't they all!) short, around 3 years ago i discovered he had taken out a large number of pay day loans, for very small amounts (£50 here, £25 there) which had snowballed into a large amount that he couldn't repay.  We got a consolidation loan, he went to counselling, the past 18 months have been incredibly difficult as a family as i have watched him unpick and unravel himself, face some difficulty truths and try to piece himself back together.  I had thought we were in a much better place,, with more honesty and less deceit. 

2 months ago, utterly heartbroken - i found out that a small inheritance he had been given for BOTH of us to do some house repairs, he had gambled away and lied to me about for around 6 months.  After the issue with the pay day loans, i have been vigilant (or so i thought) and made sure that bills were paid with money going from his account into mine so that i could ensure our home and our children were secure.  

Again, we are going down the counselling path, he is utterly remorseful and full of self loathing and hate, he has put all the blocks on his phone and electronic devices to make sure he can't gamble - but i am all over the place.  Am i being totally naive in supporting him again? He is a good person, but there is something inherent in him that makes him make destructive and stupid decisions that affect and impact on us all.  

I suppose there's no question i'm asking, just the opportunity to get it off my chest and share really! He's just finished another course of counselling with GamAnon this time.....but i keep asking (myself and him) each time something like this happens, the only thing i can see that changes is me - as i become less trusting, more cynical and ultimately bitter, which is not the person i want to be really.

Forums like this are so very useful, as you individually try to navigate your way through this utter mess of things!!

Don't feel bad about not trusting him. It would be very unwise to trust anything he tells you that you can't verify independently for yourself. Mr L has very limited access to funds and will never have unscrutinised access to the savings accounts again. He fully understands and accepts why. You need full control of the finances. Access to every credit report going in both your names too. No ifs or buts.

Don't fall for the pity party. Telling you what you want to hear is par for the course. Protect your own interests.

If he's serious about giving up direct him to GA meetings alongside the counselling. He'll hear the unvarnished truth about his behaviour from people who have been there.