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Violetrose
(@violetrose)

Hello all. I dont know what to do, i am literally at breaking point, my partner is a compulsive gambler. He went over a year without gambling (so he says but never know if his being honest with me or not) however monday my mum who was closest person to me passed away from cancer. Today my partner told me he had a slip and lost over £1000, i appriciate he was honest because he hasnt been before however said because he was stressed with fact i lost my mum and relying on him for support pushed him to gamble. Usually id turn to my mum but shes no longer here so i dont know who to talk to. We recently moved into a flat and dont know what to do. This is never going to end. He wants to have kids however if he gets stressed out by me greiving i know there will be more stressful moments if we have kids and itll end up with him gambling again. I tried to get him to speak to someone from gamcare on my phone but he didnt take it seriously at all and was like yea and no whilst playing with his phone. I tried taking him to meetings before but he would never contribute and always moan about how he wants to go home. So my only option was saying cos im end of my tether we both pay only rent and bills into joint account (with no overdraft facility) and rest of money we keep literally ourselves, strictly no borrowing that way any time he gambles it dont affect me. I know long term this isnt an option however hoping itll make him see enough to realise how much better his life is without gambling. Does anyone have any other advice? Cos im at a total loss.

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Posted : 3rd July 2020 10:16 pm
Frogman
(@frogman)

Hi Violetrose, 

Sorry to hear your story, it sounds like you are going through a tough period. Keep encouraging him to seek help regardless. Cut all financial ties if you can please, if you are not careful, he will run you into serious debts, that's what this addiction does. My wife took out 20k loan for me which was supposed to help me consolidate my terrible high interest loans,  I gambled everything away. We've cut all financial ties between us to limit the damage to myself alone, please try and protect yourself. I have not been given a free ride for the 20k, I am having to pay it back which has made me sit tight a bit. I pay my share of household bills, childcare etc and she does her part too. I am still trying to sort my gambling problem out. Gambling has redefined our relationship (it's always been a rocky one though). Please don't underestimate this problem, I was able to control my gambling for the first 6yrs despite some heavy losses, in the last 2yrs, I have been a destructive gambler of the highest order. The problem gets worse if left unattended or he tries to downplay the seriousness. I never used to like people telling me to go for counselling, now I am the one begging for it. Stay strong

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Posted : 4th July 2020 7:34 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi violetrose 

when we are in a relationship with a gambler we always look to them to get help. We need as much help as they do. That’s why you’re here.

As frogman says separate your finances. You don’t have to have a ‘joint’ account. I’ve never had a joint account with my husband. Make sure all debt is his, don’t pay his debts, don’t allow him to spend his money on his debt and not contribute to household expenses. Get credit reports for both of you. 

Compulsive gamblers use gambling to ‘cope’, then as debt increases gamble more. It becomes habitual. Left unchecked this gets out of control with serious financial and emotional consequences. 

If he isn’t taking this seriously then you must. You can express your concern and tell him you are seeking help. You can’t make him stop or get help, same way as you can’t make him gamble. He needs to find a new way to cope.
If you can, make sure you are in control of both of your finances. Has he signed up to gamstop?

Unfortunately this doesn’t go away overnight. Gamblers can relapse at anytime, not even at times of stress. They imagine they can control the amount they play. They also can continue to gamble without you knowing anything about it.

If there is substantial debt he can talk to stepchange. There are bank accounts that notify you of every transaction via app.

Gamcare offer counselling, gamanon also offer anonymous online support for f&f.

Carry on asking questions here and someone will offer you their experience. Remember if it’s bothering you, it’s a problem that needs to be addressed.

 

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Posted : 4th July 2020 8:03 am
Bless15
(@bless15)

Hi Violetrose,

Sorry to hear the loss of your mom and I know how you feel when that person you always use to talk to is no longer there- that's how I felt when I lost my mom,who was also my vest friend 

But don't let him use the loss of your mom as another excuse to gamble because at a time you needed him to step up and support you instead he uses that to say he's stressed and that's a sorry excuse and selfish in my opinion 

Agree, you should not have a joint account account because if he was to get a loan or overdraft with this account then your both jointly liable for the debt

And the worse thing is you need both parties concent to close a joint account - not a good idea a joint account at all

Stay strong and he's so lucky to have you

 

 

 

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Posted : 4th July 2020 11:10 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hi Violetrose,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, losing your mum alone must be really difficult for you and  it's no surprise that you currently feeling at such a loss after your partners relapse too.

I really want you to know Violet that you aren't alone in this, our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 is available 24/7 for you to call and talk to one of our Advisers, or if it's easier for you you can talk to us via our NetLine

Sometimes just having an understanding voice at the end of the phone can be enough to ease some of the stress you are under, but as Merry go Round mentioned an Adviser can also refer you to so added support for you, because it's so important that your well being is given priority at such a difficult time for you. 

I am so pleased you have reached out for support Violet and we would really like to answer that call.

Kind regards

ChrisK

Forum Admin

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Posted : 4th July 2020 11:38 am
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Sorry to hear this violetrose

You must be going out of your mind as you've got the passing off such a close loved one but at the same time you've got your partner who knows how week your at this moment and he decides to gamble now, don't think so sorry your at your weakest point and he's talking advantage. I'm a problem gambler but even I know you need him more than ever and he's just came out with it's because your mum died oh hold on for one it's your mum and I know what its like to loose a parent, he should be by your side not taking advantage and the reason I believe that as I could be wrong as you shouldn't be looking for help as you've done nothing wrong,  he's the one that's messed up he should be on the phone I'm so angry as I'm the same and gamble but its me that's sat on the tablet the phone feeling so ashamed and hate towards what I've done I can't forgive myself yet but I know I will be a problem gambler for the rest of my life,  and that's my fault no one else's I'm sorry if my words are abit strong but if he doesn't get help this is going to happen over and over again. Even with all the help I've got in place I can't be certain I won't gamble again as I've said those words so many times before and all I want is one day at a time. I hope you can get him to act

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Posted : 4th July 2020 7:30 pm
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