After years of gambling and 4 years of me trying to help my cg partner has admitted he has a problem but only cos he got caught out again and needed bailing out again. He says this time he wants to stop. I’ve heard it all before so I’m sceptical. I know he won’t stop until he wants to but he is paying lip service to trying- rung a councillor, attended one ga meeting but as far as I’m concerned he’s still not doing enough and making excuses not to do more or be more proactive in his recovery. I may be expecting too much and I know it’s a slow process. I just feel although he has admitted he has a problem (to a few chosen people-apart from his mum who is in denial about the seriousness of his problem none of his family know and he has no friends to tell) I don’t feel he has accepted it. He will regularly tell me its not that bad. Despite telling me he’s not gambled for nearly 1 month his behaviour is still the same. He doesn’t see how his behaviour effects me and the kids and can be quite nasty. He’s so unappreciative of everything I do- he thinks he has nothing to lose. As all cases there’s a lot more to it that I can’t go in to but in brief I have had control of all his money since March (he’s still managed to get credit cards and gamble on line despite all my efforts) but my question is will he ever reach “rock bottom” or see the damage he’s caused while I am still here picking up the pieces and he knows that he has money to pay off any debts?
Hi @Jodie - I'm in the same situation with my husband, except all my savings have now gone to bail him out (all been used to bail him out previously) so the latest whopping debt is down to him to sort out, but even now he refuses to accept the enormity of the problem and get help. I spoke to Gam Care and they referred me to counselling as it really gets me down. I've told him now that unless he realises the anxiety and stress this causes me and does something about it, he'll have to leave. I don't want that at all but I've even talked to his mum, who is very much in agreement with me luckily as she's bailed him out in the past before I came along, several times. We've realised that between us, whilst we thought we were helping him, we were actually enabling him. Now he has to pay back his own debts and live on a small allowance each month, he holds me responsible for it but no matter how much he moans or gets aggy, I have to be strong about it. I wish someone had told me not to bail him out, but I can pass on my experience and suggest that you dont bail your partner out anymore. Tell him any debts he now racks up, he has to sort himself, you dont want any part of it. I also highly recommend the counselling for yourself, tell him that you're going because of how his addiction makes you feel. You need to protect yourself financially and legally, if he's not willing to get any help, are you willing to carry on like this? I'm all out of my savings now so if my marriage goes horribly wrong because of his addiction, I'll have no savings behind me. If you can preserve whatever you have of your own, please do. Im quickly learning this addiction can destroy the finances and lives of everyone who cares about the CG if you let it. Stay strong X
Thanks for replying. I’m sorry about your situation. I am seeking councilling and I’ll pretty much use every spare min (which isn’t many between him and my 3 kids) to look stuff up or read forums or call gam care. Sorry if I didnt make it clear but my problem is that because I took over his finance before he received some inheritance he has a considerable amount of savings. (Which are separate to my money) so he just gets nasty with me for not happily paying off his debts with his savings. He doesn’t understand that if I keep doing it he will run out of savings and I can’t sit and watch him waste all his inheritance. The fact that we are financially well off creates so many problems in itself. I sometimes think if we were broke or in debt he’d have one less excuse to be able to justify what he does.
On top top of all this I can’t handle how one minute I’m the best thing since sliced bread and the next he wants me to give him all his money so he can move out cos he can’t cope with me nagging and crying at him and everything is my fault or at least it’s definitely not his fault
I don’t know how much more I can take when there’s no end in sight.
From my experience, you need to find your own rock bottom too. I'd spent a long time making empty threats and nothing changed. I made sure bills were paid and there was food on the table and put up with who he had become. Then I realised I didn't want to carry on as we were for the rest of my life, with me suspicious of everything, and treading on egg shells waiting for the next mood swing.
I read out comments I'd got from CGs on this forum to my husband - that he wouldn't change unless he committed to change, that I shouldn't trust him without evidence, and that his family would be collateral damage if he carried on.
Seeing his lack of reaction to that made me realise he wasn't ready, and I knew I wasn't prepared to tolerate it anymore. I was literally walking out the door when he realised how serious I was, and vowed he'd change. Since then, he's been to GA every week which has made a big difference. He's happier, although has bad anxiety which he's seen his GP about, so the foul moods have got much better and day to day life is getting back to how it was before his gambling got out of hand. He knows another penny gambled is the end of us, and it's up to him, he now has the tools at his disposal to help him.
Your husband needs to fully understand the impact his gambling has on you, and what your limits are. The rest is up to him. Good luck, and stay strong x
Thank you for your reply. I have started to realise what you have said about my rock bottom and last night I told him I didn’t know what I was trying to save anymore and he said he would move out. Again I’ve heard all this before but this time I think it’s more likely to actually happen even tho still all he’s bothered about is getting his money off me and not actually packing a bag and walking out being the first step. We will see in time but I am definitely reaching my rock bottom and as hard as it is going to be and as long as it’s going to take I am thinking it’s going to have to be me that moves out with the kids even though I have no idea where we’ll go. I’m realising despite everything he says he’s not ready to accept his problems and the effects they have on me.