Heartbroken and unsure

Hello Sophie, 

Well done for posting on the forum. I am sure you will get some great advice from other members here. You said you feel totally alone and i hope that getting responses to this post shows that you aren't. There are many other people in your situation who can offer you the support you are looking for. In addition to the forum we do have a 'family and friends' chatroom on a Monday at 11.30am. You may also want to have a look at GamAnon who support people like yourself. You aren't alone in this Sophie. 

It sounds like this has been a long and exhausting journey for you so far. It looks like you are doing the right things by keeping your money separate - this will protect you from his gambling.  I wonder if you would like to talk more about how this is affecting you. Our advisers are available 24/7 on the helpline on 0808 8020 133 and through live chat. They can talk this through with you and help you make a plan going forward that works for you. Including free one to one counselling. 

In the mean time, please do carry on posting here. 

Rebecca

Forum Admin,

Hi Sophie

sorry to hear what you are going through.

your other half is showing all the signs of someone with a problem and I have been in his position.

in my case it got a lot worse before it got better and this only happened when I accepted it.  He’s in denial at the moment.

I had lots of hidden debts so I’d get a copy of his credit report as I would be almost certain there will be a lot you don’t know about.  You need to protect yourself here mainly.

it can get much better as it has in my case but it won’t until he accepts things and takes steps to prevent it from spiralling.

good luck and take care  

Thank you for replying and your personal insight. I have looked at his credit report and everything on there is what I already knew about, but I have said I will have to keep checking.

I will call the helpline I am just trying to control my emotions a little better before I do. Writing bullet points of what I am upset about has helped.

Right now I need some help to heal myself as he is just denying a problem, yet in the same breath says he doesn't know he is doing it.

This forum has helped so much already but we have so far to go, if I can face continuing on this path. 

Hi Sophie

thats good the credit report isn’t showing anything else although definitely keep checking as some things take a bit of time to appear and it’s things like pay day loans you want to keep a check on as they are easy to obtain and rack up debt fast

you carry on doing whatever it is that is helping you 

if he is serious he will hand over his finances to you.  It’s a strange thing to start for a gambler but also one of the most liberating things if he does want to stop as it will remove the temptation.

im back in control of mine now but handed them over for a couple of years. 

I had debts of 10k,  got caught and stopped and then spiralled again and ended up with 50k.  3 years later I’m debt free but i know it’s easy for it to escalate fast.  You need to protect yourself as well as being stern.

gamblers lie and will give any excuse why we can’t hand over etc although it’s always only ever an excuse.

keep reading the forum and keep posting and people will always give their advice and experiences 

take care 

Posted by: Sophie_EJ

Hello everyone. 

I have been lurking on this form for a while, I am finally ready to post as I feel totally alone right now. I have had conversations with friends/family who care and are supportive but I don't feel they fully understand what I am going through. 

My partner of over 5 years has a problem with gambling (and I would say in general with compulsive spending). We've been engaged for 4 of those years and in that time have bought a house but never gotten married because we never had enough money. I also paid off some debts in that time and my partner still has a large amount of debt which he has had since we met (I only found out about it when we moved and for a long time he couldn't get an interest free credit card which now he does have).

2 years ago I noticed that all of his bank statements were left unopened and stashed away and I am ashamed to admit that I opened them. I found that my partner had been spendings hundreds every month on football bets - multiple transactions a day. I was devastated and realised this is why he never had money (his bills and our mortgage were always paid but there was never a penny left at the end of the month). Long story short we had a big row and we set up a budget etc and he said he wouldn't do it again, I said it would be the end if he did. You can tell where this is going...

So now we are back in that point again. I noticed he was really cagey about money/betting and I eventually got him to show me a bank statement that showed 95+ transactions to a betting site in one month. I was so devastated and totally overwhelmed. It's been about a week or so since that happened and I still don't know what to do. 

I'm so hurt that he not only lied to my face, but also that he chose to spend this money on bets rather than our future. Our finances have always been separate (except the mortgage which is in both names) and I have worked hard to pay off debt and also put some savings away. Plus anything for our house has been paid for by me.

He claims that because the mortgage/bills are always paid that it's not a problem, yet he had no idea what he was spending on bets so clearly he does. He won't sign up to GamStop because he says he can keep things under control (which I do not believe and he gets cross when I say I don't believe he will do it).  He says it's a hobby that got out of control and that he's never got a loan or anything to pay for debts - but by constantly losing money he's not been able to pay off his existing debt. 

There is so much I could write here but it's already so long, I don't want to put people off reading. I'm just so upset that despite my attempts we are back where we were before, I feel betrayed and that I have always and will always be second choice to betting. 

Thank you if you have made it to the end of my ramble. 

Hi Sophie,

I’m so sorry to hear this and hope you’re doing ok. I am in the same boat at the moment and found out my boyfriend also Bets hundreds a month on football bets. We moved in together a year ago and have a 3 month old baby. We were always planning on buying this home together as it was passed to me by family but I have had to be firm now and say I will never allow him to put money into this house as he has a serious addiction and I cannot risk that. I’m sorry that you are already in this situation with your other half. We have a 3 month old baby girl and that’s when I found out, I’m on maternity pay and he was helping with all bills but was blowing around £800 a month on bets and it wasn’t until then I started getting suspicious about where the money was going. We had always kept our money separate and paid bills 50/50 till this time as I am the higher earner.

I have forced him to ring gamcare and he has a councillor to speak to, I have also made him put a block on all devises. You have to be firm and tell him it’s betting or your relationship. And if he chooses betting then more fool him. 
I also looked at bank statements and his online betting sites as it made me feel sick, the weeks we had no money for food hundreds got spent on gambling. 
for me it’s the lies and sneaking around that hurts, betrayal like I’ve been cheated on. It’s not fair and you are suppose to be a team. I hope he gets the help he needs and I would also advise you speak to gam-care as I have found them great to vent to and not judge.

Kind regards,

Hayley.