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Heartbroken

 
HB_wife
(@glh)

I know nobody can tell me what I need to do or guarantee anything will change or get better but I needed to talk about my experience. 

I have been married for 6 months, I did know there was a gambling problem with my husband but we'd discussed and I thought sorted things.

We had a honeymoon booked soon, my absolute dream holiday but I've found out it doesn't exist, the money was used to gamble. He also borrowed money from my mum on the pretense it was for this holiday, that is gone too - she didn't know about the problem.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'll ever forgive him. But I'm so embarrassed, less than a year married and it's in ruins.

He says this is rock bottom, he's already got in touch with GA to start attending and will do whatever it takes. I just don't know what to do. My head is scrambled. 

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Topic starter Posted : 18th June 2022 8:02 am
Mj1988
(@bm1984)

I did similar to my now ex partner although not married same with holiday and borrowing.

I think you need to sit down and write every single thing he owes down on paper and also download a credit report to see if he has other borrowings. Take control of he’s finances for short term if he’s serious this won’t be an issue, seek couples counseling if can afford it but communication is gonna be key here if want to save and have future. Money can be repaid trust will take time but it can if both want it to happen happen

GA is essential, lifetime bans all online betting companies is essential and non negotiable

 

i didn’t get a chance with my ex so he should be willing do what it takes to get better for himself first but also for you and your relationship 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th June 2022 12:07 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

I am sorry to hear that you have married a compulsive gambler and that he has caused you a lot of pain through his lies betrayal and decpetions.

The recovery program would only work for me once I became selfish in going to meetings for myself.

I like many people did not stop gambling from day one attending meetings.

Handing over all the finances was a big help for me because I could not trust myself with money.

Sadly in recovery there is no guarantee any person is fully committed to recovery and the healing process. 

There is rooms for partners or people who want to support an addict.

In my recovery I got to understand my emotional triggers, pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, loneliness, and boredom.

I got to understand my anger was an unhealthy reaction to pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

He can not be honest with you untill he is honest with him self.

The money was just the fuel for my addiction.

Fear was often a big trigger for me to escape.

Why would you be embarrassed by some one you have committed to is unhealthy at thise time.

You say your head is scrambled, would you say you are in pain and have been dissapointed in some one you trusted.. 

Time will tell how committed he is and how committed you are towards this unhealthy person.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

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Posted : 18th June 2022 5:38 pm
HB_wife
(@glh)

@gadaveuk I'm in so much pain. The lies are the real issue for me. Money can eventually be sorted out but the lies are so deep and complex.  

I know it's an illness, I know he's not healthy but I can't help that embarrassment is there in my mind.  Embarrassment at the fact my marriage is on the line less than a year in and how I'm going to explain that to people. It's his actions but I feel like a failure. 

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 19th June 2022 8:00 am
Jess27
(@jess27)

Hi @glh

Welcome to the forum. So sorry to read about your experience. You must be heartbroken. 

Although everyone is different, I can go some way to understanding what you're going through as I discovered my husband had been gambling for 15 years of our 25 year marriage. I was devastated too. You talk about being embarrassed.  I remember feeling like that. A real, deep shame that I had been so naive and nothing was ever what I'd believed it to be. 

We did survive. We now have total transparency with money. My husband has abstained from gambling for almost two years, and in some ways we are closer now. It's hard. I still struggle at times, but I know that he is fully committed to abstaining. 

You have to look after your own wellbeing first and foremost. The forum advisers are really supportive if you want to talk things through with them, and there is access to counselling through Gamcare for you both. 

There are steps your husband can take, such as downl8ading blocking software to devices that he uses to gamble. It has to come from him though. He has to want to stop. 

Take time to decide how you want to move forward with the relationship and do what's  best for you.

Take care and keep posting. You will get lots of advice and support here. 

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Posted : 19th June 2022 9:31 am
HB_wife
(@glh)

I've told him our relationship is over. I don't know if that is the right thing. If I am giving up too soon. If I'm abandoning him when he needs my help.

He doesn't have a penny to his name but I will set him up somewhere and then we can part. How did I end up here? This doesn't feel like my life.

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Topic starter Posted : 19th June 2022 5:55 pm
Radio58
(@radio58)

I’m so sad you have had this situation happen to you.  My Daughter was married for 15 months and left her husband this year.  He gambled thousands in 2019 and promised he would stop. His father spoke to him and another family member helped.

in 2020 he took money from a joint savings account for gambling.  My Daughter was so upset she is a radiographer and had worked the whole way through the pandemic and her was her husband spending their savings!  My husband went to talk to him saying he could loose everything if he didn’t get help.

in 2021 (the third time!) he took thousands out of their joint savings and gambled the lot.  On each occasion he said he had his betting under control and each time he got worse.

My Daughter left him this year.  He was absolutely devastated he offered to go to GA and let her take over the finances.  But she , like you, could not forgive the lies, that accompany gambling.

He told her his friends had bailiffs at the door and needed money! He stole from a pot she was saving money in and said they had been burgled’. The list is endless.

She has been left for six months and is now happy.  She can go to work knowing her hard earned money is not disappearing at the bookies.  She hasn’t got to listen to any more lies.  

he is gambling again and has bets on the grand national and a few races at Aintree so he hasn’t stopped.  You have done the right thing a addiction is hard to have but also hard to live with.  You might not realise it today but YOU WILL BE HAPPY AND DESERVE BETTER.

I truly hope your husband gets help addiction to gambling is horrible and sadly I feel on the rise.

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Posted : 19th June 2022 10:39 pm
HB_wife
(@glh)

@radio58 thank you for sharing this.

The future looks bleak at the moment. I feel like my chance at a happy relationship and having children is gone.

I'm worried for him as he has no support network, I know I can't think like that because it is him that has done this but I'm a kind person and obviously at this point still love him.

Will be a long bumpy road ahead.

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 20th June 2022 7:39 am
Radio58
(@radio58)

The only person who can help your husband is himself.  Sadly until he does he will not stop.  To have children with a man in the grip of addiction is not the right thing to do.  I’m sure with counselling and GA he will start to go on the right track.  
Until then, you know yourself you have done the right thing.

I wish you very best wishes and big hugs 🤗 

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Posted : 20th June 2022 4:12 pm
Jess27
(@jess27)

@glh you have to do what's best for yourself. It must have been a really tough decision for you.  Wishing you both happiness. 

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Posted : 20th June 2022 8:33 pm
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