My husband has supposedly given up gambling but I find it hard to believe as it has been over 8 years...recently he has joined a gym and goes a few times a week for almost 2 hours each time. Now the thing that makes me disbelieve this is that he comes home & doesn't seem even the slightest bit sweaty or smelly. He also seems to sit in those same clothes for a few hours. He has a shower but wear that same tshirt to work under his work shirt...now honestly if he went to the gym then surely his clothes would smell & need to be changed?? I think he just uses the gym as an excuse to get out the house and do betting on his phone. Another odd thing I noticed is he always seems to go after 5pm which everyone knows is rush hour so why would you want to be stuck in traffic? It's just bizarre...anyone else have a partner/husband behaving in a similar way?
Hello Confused03
Welcome to the Forum - it is good to have you here.
I can see by your post that you are reaching out to others for the identification and possibly some guidance on how to deal with your Husbands problem gambling.
I would also strongly recommend you have a look on the https://www.gam-anon.org This is a website specifically for friends and families of people who are affected by problem gamblers. There is all manner of support on there for people who are and who have gone through the same experiences and many find this peer-to-peer support incredibly helpful, both for themselves and to be able to help their loved one who is experiencing difficulties with gambling.
We also have Advisers available on 24/7 to help you through your confusion and to look for a way forward on 0800 8020 133 or you can make contact on our LivwChat option.
Please know that you are not alone.
Best
Amanda
Forum Admin
Hi and welcome to the forum.
I am a compulsive gambler.
Its such a shame that those affected feel like they have to be detectives to work out what's really going on. I certainly sense your frustrations. Maybe the thing to do, is to reframe your thoughts. Ask yourself these sorts of questions
What has my husband done to demonstrate to me that he is not gambling anymore? for example has he...
Registered with GAMSTOP? (this will close down his online betting accounts)
Excluded from local bookmakers and other gambling venues?
Do I have oversight of the finances?
Does he become evasive, angry, withdrawn, refusing to talk about it... if challenged??
The thing is, addictive gambling is an insidious, baffling and highly addictive behaviour. For most people whom gambling becomes a problem, they don't just stop, me very much included. Its rare for people to stop through "will power" alone. Practical barriers and support and willingness to be open about it are needed.
Have a good read on the site. It might help in decided the way forward.
I honestly feel like hiring a private detective to find out what is going on...I know that seems extreme but I'm literally at the end of my patience now. He is supposed to be applying for a mortgage shortly but I already explained to him that unless he stops gambling & sorts out his finances, the bank isn't going to entertain him. I'm not willing to even put my name on a mortgage with him as he seems to be so obsessed with gambling.
To be fair at home he has seemed to spend more time with the kids. But other than that, I haven't noticed any other changes. He seems to hide his mobile under a cushion at times but I don't know if that is because he doesn't want the kids to touch it or because he is hiding it. I asked to use his phone the other day & he started closing some tabs down so there was clearly things open that he didn't want me to see...
He hasn't joined Gamstop or gone to any meetings or shown me his personal accounts. All he has done has closed one account which was used purely for gambling (I only know because I saw the closing statement come through the post). I have suggested many times that he needs to get professional help but he refuses...I know with gambling, the gambler needs to be the one that wants to change otherwise it's pointless. Unfortunately my husband seems determined to carry on with his ridiculous gambling & ruin our kid's futures along with it....
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. My husband was the same. Ultimately he chose gambling over our life. I don't have any words of advice other than support. I am still struggling with the idea that I have to save myself and I can't save my husband. I've had to let him go.
Hi Confused03 and Welcome
A big deep breath and you have to start looking at this again in a new light
Can you talk to him about gambling? Do you have access to his bank statements or credit reports?
Is he open about things and having a born again moment of honesty
You will know if he is gambling if you have good foundations. You will have a sixth sense and will just know.... the answers are there within you if you have no blinkers to this
Be proactive and there is no shame in mentioning your fears and giving him reality checks that gambling is not acceptable to you.
Its acts like a drug addiction. Please Seek family support and further advice.
Protect yourself and you can help him from a position of strength and knowledge.
follow the tried and trusted advice and you wont have to feel you are shut out from his life. The default position is that you could assume he is gambling unless he shows otherwise. I dont know enough about his story but a problem gambler needs help and is in the grip of something extremely powerful
Im not saying he is an inherently bad person but he needs your help and support if you are willing to help him with a proper recovery
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
As an avid gambler, I really understand your husband if it's true. On the other hand, I know some people who train poorly in the gym, so they may not take a shower.
Hi Confused03
I am so sorry you are going through this. As mentioned above, I also suggest having a conversation with your partner. Tell him how you feel and your need to be reassured considering his history. Personally, for mymental health, I regularly access my partner’s credit report and also get notifications each time he takes money from his bank and i see where it’s spent. He also showed me the confirmation email of the 5 year gamstop. There is a conscious effort from my partner to reassure and provide evidence. If none of this is in place, i know for sure i will be paranoid every single day. To be honest, even with all this i sometimes still worry.
He needs to provide you evidence. You simply cannot take his word for it. As mentioned above, gambling addiction cannot be managed by will power alone. He needs strong barriers and support. However as you very rightly said, if he is not ready to quit yet, he will only find ways to gamble no matter what you do as his partner. Which brings the question back to you - if he is actively gambling (which most likely he is) and is not ready to battle the addiction yet, are you ok with this?
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