After a few years of on/off gambling, being caught and making promises to stop etc, my husband has yet again admitted he has a problem- however, since in the past this has happened and not much else except the deceit etc, I THINK he’s has hit rock bottom.
So a few days ago he admitted he messed up again and left! Obviously neither of us want this to be the end of our 14 year relationship, but after all the lies and deceit it is going to take A LOT of work for him to regain my trust....anyway, he’s banned himself of GamCare (I need to check this is indefinitely!!) and has contacted the local Gamblers Anonymous so he can start going to meetings. my question is, how can I make sure he genuinely is going? He’s promised all these things before!!
Due to embarrassment he doesn’t want anyone to go with him, but he just cannot he trusted. Any suggestions? Xxx
Hi BeckyL89 and Welcome.
Reading through your story I think the first thing is you are going to have to show is a new degree of toughness to make sure you are protected first and foremost.
A gambling addiction is primarily a drug addiction and its extremely dangerous. A lot of partners have to learn that its like having a partner with a serious class A addiction. They would be horrified to see that so Gambling is not the lightweight activity that many still seem to think it is. It was never an activity you could let him do without extreme danger looming
Its HIGHLY addictive and highly dangerous. How it remains legal is a scandalous tax grab by the government.
The answer is you cant be sure and you cant fully trust him again. You can help in certain ways if he is ready for help.
FIRST you make sure that the roof over your head and food on your table does not rely on any uncertainty.
Then you learn all about this addiction.....through knowledge and strength you can try and save the relationship if you want to. You will benefit from family and friends support and you may need some counselling yourself.
Dont rush ahead of yourself...its up to him to prove he wants to change and accept help.
Its a nasty insidious addiction but it can be beaten with a full recovery towards a healthier mind.
However you can never be complacent again about its power but you turn that into a positive statement to live the rest of your life by
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
@beckyl89 re the gamblers anonymous meetings, you can tell him that we have members who wife's bring them and drop them off and wait for them until the meeting has finished. If they are still there when we leave they might get a wave but that's it. There is no judgement on the gambler or the partner as we understand what it is like those first few meetings, as well as the lack of trust that some members have.
If I was him I would do anything to show you i was getting help.
Maybe compare this then. Embarrassment of going to ga with someone or ruin a life and relationship because he can't get over the embarrassment. Not much of a choice in my opinion.
Thanks very much Chris, this is helpful.
In terms of droppng him off and sticking around, kinda isn't an option for me as we have two yung children (5 and 3), his dad however has said he'd be happy to go down to ensure the car is there, and i considered asking him to take selfie's when arriving and when leaving.
I guess its the same for anyone, but you don't know what the best thing to do is.
Even if you sat in on the meetings it makes no difference, its not like you get some medication in a support group. I used to go to GA meetings and say all the things I thought people wanted to hear, pretending to myself and others that all was good etc. The reality is when the penny finally dropped and I started being totally honest with myself and others, brutally honest, then I could start to really tackle my issues and change my behaviour.
You are right not to trust you partner he is a compulsive gambler and if let will destroy the family, but you cannot control his actions. You can however control yours. You should seek out your own support, GamAnon is for this very purpose, they do a weekly virtual meeting for friends or family of CG's who will support each other. You can educate yourself on the subject and lay down the law of what you expect from him