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Help2019
(@help2019)

Hi im new to here and looking for advice as im becoming resentful of my husband's gambling. My husband has gambled online for 10 years.  He gambles mostly on football. We have had problems with money over the years. Currently 10k in debt. This year in particular has been the worst ever. He is on his 4th loan since March. He isnt happy with his money left over each month after all his bills are paid and that's why he gambles. He says he doesnt get a buzz from gambling its purely to survive the rest of the month. 

His mood swings are terrible and he becomes angry when he's not winning. He is disgusted with his behaviour r and often tells ks me he has hit rock bottom. I have took a loan out of £1000 recently he asked me last week to top up this loan for him and i refused. I have taken the advice from reading enough on here not to enable his gambling.  By not doing this has made me feel very guilty. Due to not taking out more of a loan he went and got another himself saying he was desperate as he hadnt paid all his direct debits. I dont keep money around tbe house anymore. 

I work every 2nd wkend and on my wkend off i see him constantly checking bets on his phone. We have two children who he is missing out on spending time with. He has become demotivated and is tired a lot snd goes to bed quite often. 

I have asked  him so many times to give up the gambling but he wont. He says he will always gamble. I have wanted to leave numerous times in our marriage because of his behaviour. He also has wanted to leave but he said gambling has messed with his head. I am getting extremely worried as a third of his wages is paying off loans. He cannot afford to gamble every again. He doesnt like ultimatums but what can i do.

I want to speak to my family to get some support but dont want to burden them plus he doesnt want me telling anyone his business. Its affecting my own mental health as well as his.

I want him to get the help he needs but dont think he will take the leap. Am i wasting my time hoping he will change?

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Posted : 7th November 2019 11:27 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hi, 

Welcome to our forums.  I am sorry that you're experiencing all the negative effects of being with someone who gambles and is not in recovery.  I hope you will get plenty of support from our forum members. 

I imagine it was very difficult to cope with your feelings around being assertive and not enabling your husband's gambling, but you have done the right thing.  I am sorry to read that you feel you can't confide in your family; it is such a strain to keep the secrets of someone else.  I know that don't want to feel a burden your family, however it is very important that you are able to get support for yourself.  

If you haven't done so already, I would invite you to call our free HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 for a chat with one of our Advisers, or through Live Chat.  Please don't be alone with this, we are here to support and advise you and we can also offer free 1-2-1 counselling for you to talk things through and help you make decisions for the future.  

Kind regards, 

Leigh 

Forum Admin

This post was modified 5 days ago by Forum admin
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Posted : 7th November 2019 11:42 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi help2019. The best thing to do is keep all money separate, as you've done already, don't enable him. Don't feel guilty either. You have to protect yourself and your children. Get some support from a Gamanon meeting. Call gamcare too. If he's not willing to stop he will continue to damage his mental health and yours. He can sign up to gamstop, find a GA meeting, download blocking software. There are lots of blocks to help restrict access.

i would suggest you do credit checks as well. 

You need to be strong and seeking help will benefit you. His not wanting you to tell people is all part of the addiction. The more isolated you become the more he can continue to behave badly. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th November 2019 12:10 pm
Help2019
(@help2019)

Thankyou for your reply. We have always had separate accounts so he cant access money that way. Its chasing his losses is his problem. He doesnt like the betting companies getting the better of him. He tells me he can win money gambling if your smart about it. I never see any big wins.

I have suggested all the above ways of stopping to him but i think he's in denial to the extent of his problem.

He has opened up to me recently emotionally which he finds it hard to do.

I have rang a local addiction service today which can see him in a few weeks if he's willing to make the call. I am willing to go to support him. If he isnt willing to make any changes i will pick up the courage to speak with my family as this has really affected me.

I am going to put this to him one last time. I am scared as i can see gambling ending our 10 year marriage. 

This post was modified 5 days ago 2 times by Help2019
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Posted : 7th November 2019 1:03 pm
bb1705
(@bb1705)

Hi, 

I've just read your post and and can completely relate. I've gambled for years and finally stopped nearly 2 months ago. I have to say that my girlfriend who I love dearly was my inspiration as she gave me an ultimatum that it was either continue gambling and stay in that world or have a future with her. There's nothing more eye opening than that where you then start to realize that gambling affects the others around you and the ones you love. If you can get him to see that then maybe he, ll  get help and do it for himself and you.

I  Still get the urges now to gamble but they are more controllable as Ive had to fill my spare time with other things. If he gambles online and he wants to try and stop then tell him to put GAMSTOP on all his devices which will prevent it. It takes any urges out of of play. Trust me this is a godsend on all levels.

Hope that helps, 

 

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Posted : 7th November 2019 2:53 pm
Busterbear
(@busterbear)

Hi 

I can understand you being angry but your fantastic for supporting him gambling is vile you know what you risk losing but it messes with your head for me I need a bonus to believe that I’ll be ok  but even if I do I carry on playing  then feel c**P so do it over and over sounds mad writing it down but it really does mess your mind up

can you get him on here so he can see he’s not on his own ? 
x

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Posted : 7th November 2019 3:33 pm
Givemethebuzz
(@givemethebuzz)

i can empathise with you as my own partner has had to go through something similar to you  

i.e mood swings , loss of motivation , irritable 

fortunately i recognised that i had a problem and was able to face up to the fact i had been a stupid idiot , ive now managed 33 days without a bet 

you must  make him realise that gambling doesn't make life better .......much like cigarettes and smoking it has a serious detrimental effect to your health 

in the case of gambling it doesn't affect you physically but it ruins your mental state and your financial one 

if it was good for you and easy to win everyone would be doing it !!

good luck in making him see some sense 🙂 

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Posted : 7th November 2019 3:59 pm
Rachel 2015
(@rachel-2015)

Hi 

sorry to read your story. Sounds really difficult. I know what it is like to live with a CG the mood swings and chasing losses. 

I Have net nanny so I can see all online activity. And have banned him from all online gambling. Have his creator cards and only let him have a limited amount of cash.  I understand your reluctance to tell family and friend. I feel people will not fully understand and simply say you are an idiot for putting up with it tell him to go. Not as easy as that. I have one friend I can talk to, which strangely is my partners friend firstly, but even one person you can tell really does help. Although I find this forum really supportive as well. We’ve had a long path to get to where we are with him accepting he needs my help to stop. He now accepts any restrictions I put in place and trusts that I know his triggers so step in first. We don’t always get it right but we work together. I hope you can get your husband to admit he has a problem and that he accepts help. It will still be a long road. But if he at least takes the first steps it’s a start. Good luck x

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Posted : 9th November 2019 10:09 pm
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