Support us

Friends  

Page 1 / 2
 
AsaLt
(@asalt)

hi, i just found out my bf is gambling.  We are together for 2 yrs,  but we live separately.  

I'm not sure i should stay with him or leave him.  

I would like to talk to my friends about it, to get an advice,  but I'm ashamed and my bf asked do not tell to nobody.  Is it good to keep it as a secret? 

 

Quote
Posted : 14th June 2020 7:21 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi @asalt. So sorry to hear what you are going through. Is he planning on stopping? Do you know the extent of his addiction ? It's hard to advise but as the addict in my relationship I know that 1 He doesn't want to be judged..... Yes going to be unfortunately it's part of addiction. 2 He doesn't want your friends to know.... He doesn't want them to advise you to finish your relationship he doesn't want them to tell him what they think. 3 Lies and secrecy fuel addiction. I'm only 10 days today without gambling but I am so glad that it's out in the open some people are encouraging me other people are not. The reality of addiction is that it turns you into a person who lies and decieves  and I'm so glad that I can get out of that cycle. I still believe I'm a good person who got gripped by a powerful all consuming addiction. Do you love him ? If you do neither direction is going to be easy for you. I wish you all the best. If you stick on this site you will get help and you can get him help if he wants it . I'll always reply if you want advice or just to vent how you feel

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 11:47 am
AsaLt
(@asalt)

Thank you so much! He is gambling for about 3yrs. I really need advices like yours to make my own decision.  I love him,  we are very good together but im scared so much  also 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 11:59 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi asalt. You have been together 2 years, he has been gambling all of that time, he has lied for all that time. Now he has stolen your money. He doesn't want you to tell anyone.

Your first instinct was to end your relationship.

His behaviour is a typical addict. He wants to keep it a secret.

When you don't live together you do not know how he spends his time. He has no money, so he stole yours.

Trust your instinct. He only shows you what he wants you to see. 

An addict will lie and manipulate you. They will plead forgiveness, they will promise 'never again'. They will isolate you, so you don't get help.

Be careful. He needs to pay the money back to you. 

Money is their drug, so don't give him any money, don't pay his debts. If he stole from your bank account change all your passwords. If he stole your card, order a new card. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 12:49 pm
AsaLt
(@asalt)

Thank you! I'm going to meet with him today   i really don't know what I will say,  but i think I will give me a time to think and understand what I want to do.  I love this man,  but i had alcohol addicted husband for many years and I know how painful it is and at the end you have to divorce anyway.... 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 12:59 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

I'm sure u are it's a v scary time and you will be distressed and confused. But please know only he can give up gambling and like probably 99% of gamblers he will need help to do so. Depends on how much he wants to , and  if you want to go on the journey with him. I don't think he's being fair asking you not to speak to anyone as you need a shoulder to cry on but that is just my opinion. I have not tried to stop my husband talking to anyone if people don't want to bother with me anymore so be it. But I do have people that I can turn to friends who will tell me what they think but also will be there for me 100% and I'm so grateful I didn't choose to be an addict it crept up on me but I am choosing to give up and beat it. Once again I say share on here for support and you will find that others will reply as well. With mind regards

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 1:16 pm
AsaLt
(@asalt)

Thank you very much 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 1:22 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Hiya asalt 

I know your story well but from the problem gambler side. I won't lie to you as I know what I am and how I've acted to those I love,  I will tell you my latest and hopefully last episode but I can't say with my hand on my heart it will be my last as I  would be a lier I went for over a year gamble free but I went on to my emails about 2wks ago and there was onefrom a gambling site so I thought as you do when you've went awhile without gambling and you no longer have that sick feeling in your stomach it's okay I can just gamble  £10. Well I went on to the online roulette site and within 1hr I had lost nearly  £8000. Yeah and that's the God's honest truth, well the worst off it all is I went on through my partners PayPal account therefore I had got her into the debt not myself. It doesn't matter what I say at the end off the day I had stolen the money no matter how I look at it. So from my side I can only tell you the truth a problem gambler has to stop himself everyday but the gambling industry only has to be lucky that once. I really wish my partner had left me that first time instead of me putting her through all the years of torment as she stuck by my side. I am a problem gambler and can never say I'm not no matter how long I go without gambling. I've got loads off help in place and all this can prevent me from gambling harm but the first thing anyone has to do is addmit they have a problem,  well I hope this gives you a little bit off help and understanding on how too deal with things. 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 4:23 pm
AsaLt
(@asalt)

Oh my dear , I'm so sorry hear about that 😔. I am really afraid 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 5:51 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

I don't want to scare you asalt 

Just wanted to let you know how serious things can get and how fast if I can stop someone getting into the mess I have then it's better than just sitting here doing nothing. It's a horrible addiction to have and I'm not putting the blame onto anyone else as I know it's down to me,  but just be aware off how dangerous it can get and your partner needs to hold his hands up stating he has an addiction and get help as you don't deserve the damage this can cause 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 7:08 pm
Barrielad1979
(@barrielad1979)

Can I just say Charlie boy. That your words in this reply are so so much the truth. Judgement and people telling people to get out of that relationship because its only ever going to be one way, is awful. People like just need some help, someone to believe us that we can do this.

 

Great reply my friend, great reply

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 7:26 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Barrielad I hope you don't think I'm saying for asalt to leave as I'm not I'm just trying to say her partner needs to relieve that he has a problem and get the help that you know we all need,  I'm still with my partner at the moment but also know how hard it's going to be to get past this and I've got 2 kids to think off aswell, I'm trying to get past what I've done and people need to realize it's not my first time and everybody is different so I would never tell anyone to end a relationship but I will also try and let people know where it can go that way things can be put in place therefore hopefully stopping it getting as far

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 8:10 pm
Barrielad1979
(@barrielad1979)

hi Kev.

 

Certainly not saying you are suggesting anything of that nature. Its very hard for both parties in this horrible scenario. Just like Charlie boys says. Sometime 3rd party people can be the tipping point for somepeople where there is sometimes hope for relationships to build over time with trust levels taking time to heal and working hard as a family to get through.

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 8:16 pm
AsaLt
(@asalt)

I met with him today,  we discussed about it  he told me all story,  how much he lost etc. He felt relieved after conversation and it looks he wants to quit.  

I told him I didn't decide yet and we will see were we go.  

Thanks for all comments and advises 🙏 never realised there are people with problems like that 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th June 2020 8:25 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi asaLt

My best advice is to stay living separately and to protect your own finances.

The decisions you make must put your financial security and peace of mind first. Its not your fault so you are not in any way to blame.

He needs help and to be ready for a born again moment. Secrets are no good. He knows he has done wrong. Is he ready to do the cold turkey and heal?

You need your eyes wide open though and you cant be naive or a shrinking violet. Tell him that even a sniff of gambling is not acceptable and it will have consequences for the relationship

Gambling is a drug addiction...its no game about a silly flutter. It ruins people and it kills people to be blunt.

We are not relationship counsellors but we do know that there is no future in a relationship if he wont stop and seek real help.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 3 weeks ago by Joydivider
ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th June 2020 10:41 am
Page 1 / 2
Share this page
Share
  
Working

Please Login or Register