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Katelc88
(@katelc88)

Hi

I'm so new to all of this. I feel physically sick. 

My partner and I live in privately rented accommodation and have a almost 3 year old daughter. We have constantly struggled with money as I am a stay at home parent. My partner works full time.

He has an overdraft of £800 which he seems to never get out off. He has always been secretive of his account but is always checking mine (I have online banking, he doesn't) unfortunately the bills apart from sky come out of my account so that's his excuse.

Last night I came across a bank statement which is odd as he is forever hiding them up. 

I felt sick. 

I leant that from January he has been on a website and depositing money sometimes 5 or 6 times a day. It has added up to a sickening amount since the beginning of the year. 

We have struggled with bills and rent money and there have been a few weeks recently where he hasn't be able to give me any money towards them (he does a direct debit every Friday to my account and it hasn't appeared)

He has openly admitted to borrowing money from people to help with bills but I am not sure to what extent. 

His father passed away last September and he hasn't grieved properly, he hates his job after being there 12 years, he is type 1 diabetic which is far from controlled. 

He is on his phone constantly there is hardly a time where he puts it down. I checked today and he's obviously deleted messages about god knows what. 

He doesn't know I know anything about his online gambling. I aim to talk to him tonight as my mum will be having our daughter to stay overnight so I can talk to him (I tell her everything)

I want to leave him he isnt helpful at home I'd been thinking of talking to him about issues before I knew about gambling now this has presented itself its the push I needed. 

I will only talk to him about the gambling tonight. My aim is try and help him and ask for him to be honest with his finances. I want to say if he doesn't show me statements or tell me how much debt he's in I'll leave with my daughter but spoke to an advisor who suggested i shouldn't threaten.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and this has deeply affected me. 

Please can I have some advice how to handle this tonight. 

I know he'll kick off, turn it around on me, have comebacks, deny it or storm out and not deal with it.

If he doesn't open up about this what should I do??

 

Please help. 

This topic was modified 2 weeks ago by Katelc88
Quote
Posted : 11th February 2020 10:46 am
Vinnie
(@vinnie)

I dint open up till I was ready .. I lied manipulated to get what I wanted , my son confronted me few times about gambling it made it worse I just hid it more but that way I did more damage to finances one night after losing the money for the month and doing a quite big overdraft  on slots , I new it was time to stop and confront my demons I signed straight up to this site and walked into my sons bedroom and told him what I’d done and I’m ready for him to help me ... but I wouldn’t of done it with ultimatums he admitted he was ready to walk as he’d been watching me get worse for months years , if he had of walked I wouldn’t of stopped . The fact that his stood by my side and been open and honest about what I did and how I’ve made him feel was hard to listen to, but with him by side I no I can do this the first step was addmitting to myself I had a problem without him seeing it for hiself and wanting help things probley won’t change , hope I’ve help a little I’m 40 days in so don’t no all the answers but I wouldn’t of got help till I was ready x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th February 2020 12:11 pm
Walliss77
(@walliss77)

Hi katelc88, 

Sorry to hear that you are in this difficult situation. 

My advice based on what you have disclosed is that tell him what you know and say how concerned you are that he appears to have a destructive coping habit that is detrimental not only to himself but yourself and family. I would say to him that you can imagine how difficult it is but something needs to change in order to continue the relationship, which you will support him through if he puts all the required effort in to change ( if that's what you want to happen). 

I feel that confronting him aggressively or making threats will only end in an argument. Addicts are experts in defensiveness and blame shifting. 

Supporting with boundaries and self protection for you and your daughter are a necessity but if he's not willing to accept the conditions to the path of recovery you may be left with few choices. 

Please make sure that you get the support you need and understand that you are important and deserved to be treated with love and respect. 

 

Kind regards

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th February 2020 1:09 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Katelc88 and welcome to the forum.

Knowledge and a support network are your strengths here.

Build those up and pick YOUR moment to confront him if you are physically safe to do so. However I would advise before doing so to protect your position like food and the roof over your head.

Deep breaths for you have a job on but its mainly a job about protecting your interests. You cant save him unless he is totally ready to be saved from this addiction.

Ive been a problem gambler and I would not live with one. Im afraid this is no time to be a shrinking violet or blindly love him. he needs to hear the truth that gambling is not acceptable to you....not any of it.

This is what gambling does and if you havent already walked which may be advisable he will need to hear that you will walk if necessary and he can sink in his own mess.

I repeat that you pick your moment and that may be at the end of a phone line when you have moved all your stuff out!

We are not relationship counsellors.Im not saying he is inherently bad. I am saying he has a drug addiction for gambling so you may as well pin a sign to your door for strangers to come in a take what they like....leave the keys in the car door because thats what its like living with a gambler

There is hope for you....its not your fault but you will also need lots of help and support...your mum may be a good first step

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th February 2020 8:15 pm
Katelc88
(@katelc88)

Thankyou for your replies and suggestions. I took them on board. 

Tonight I confronted him and it did not go the way I thought it would. I presented him with his bank statement and print outs of transactions on the betting website and he just admitted he had been gambling and knew it was wrong and has now stopped.

I asked when he stopped and he said 2 weeks ago. I presented him with evidence of the last transaction being 4 days ago. He said he'd done a bet for said day prior to it. Hmmm... 

He's OK to show me next bank statement and we deleted his betting account. He knows I told my mum, my sister and his sister.

There was no shouting, not what I expected at all. 

I said if it happened again we'd have to have another conversation. However I did not threaten to leave. Perhaps I would have done had he denied it. I'm very taken back by the end result and its left me a bit more confused. Now sitting here like just another evening. Very bizarre. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th February 2020 8:46 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear Kate, 

Thank you for posting to the Gam Care Forum. It sounds like you made a really positive decision in talking to your partner and although his response was not what you expected, actually leaving you a bit confused, you have none the less managed to have a calm conversation about the gambling and things are now more transparent and out in the open.

It may be that now after this initial step you (both) consider further support around this.  It sounds like your partner is coping with various difficulties in his life and you mention that you experience anxiety and depression; if we can help you to access free treatment/counselling support either locally or on the telephone or online please do let us know. You can contact Gam Care any time 24 hours a day either on our helpline 0808 8020 133 or on the net line (web chat) accessible from the website. 

Wishing you all the very best,

Forum Admin

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th February 2020 9:37 pm
zorro83
(@zorro83)
Posted by: Katelc88

Thankyou for your replies and suggestions. I took them on board. 

Tonight I confronted him and it did not go the way I thought it would. I presented him with his bank statement and print outs of transactions on the betting website and he just admitted he had been gambling and knew it was wrong and has now stopped.

I asked when he stopped and he said 2 weeks ago. I presented him with evidence of the last transaction being 4 days ago. He said he'd done a bet for said day prior to it. Hmmm... 

He's OK to show me next bank statement and we deleted his betting account. He knows I told my mum, my sister and his sister.

There was no shouting, not what I expected at all. 

I said if it happened again we'd have to have another conversation. However I did not threaten to leave. Perhaps I would have done had he denied it. I'm very taken back by the end result and its left me a bit more confused. Now sitting here like just another evening. Very bizarre. 

If he's being open ask him to sign up to Gamstop so he's excluded from all online betting as it's very easy to open another but with gamstop they block you from all online gambling which is very very good for us . If he hasn't a problem with gambling then i see no reason for him to do it , if he has a problem which i think from reading what you'v said ...... i think he has so would encourage him to signup saying he's being open at the moment anyway.

Also get him to register on the MOSES scheme so he can't go into betting shops because if he wants to bet then betting shops are always very close by unless you live very far from towns etc .

It took myself a long time to realise or admit i had a problem but i choose my wife and kids over gambling as it did come to it many many years ago , and yes i have fallen off it a few times but as soon as i do i tell her and i exclude from the shops again ...... I know it's not good even loosing once every 2 years or whatever but it's alot better then losing every day , every free hour .... so this is why i'm here when the next break in betting exclude ends i have the will power to go and get it sorted before i can go back in as that's where my weakness is.

 

All the best and i hope he does those small but very hard for an addict to do for you and the kids as no bookmaker will ever treat him like family.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th February 2020 10:44 pm
Katelc88
(@katelc88)

Hey 

So here's an update.. 

Letter came through the post yesterday pretty much looked like a bank statement. 

I then took my daughter to nursery and when I returned home I asked to see it as he had promised to show the next statement to me during the 'intervention'.

He said it wasn't a bank statement and he threw it in the bin. It was something about his overdraft I asked to see it and he told me 'I want to grow up' and that 'we won't be doing this every month' he then told me to go away so I had a shower. After I got out he presented me with a scrunched up piece of paper that looked like a general letter sent out by the bank I didn't have time to read it as it was snatched away again. He said if it was the bank statement he would have showed me and when it comes he will show me.

The date for the statement was due 5 days ago so seemed a bit odd it hadn't come yet. So I thought I'm going to have a look around see if I can find anything. Sure enough  in a drawer in the bedroom I found this months statement. There was nothing on it I didn't know about apart from a couple of £100 withdrawals why I'm unsure. Hopefully paying people back money he owes them.

The point is he lied that the statement came. I found a couple of betting slips from the bookies he does do that every Saturday and would never stop that very low stakes.

Point is. Where do I go from here. How do I confront this? I've had enough. Trust has gone. But I cant be in an environment where this is out in the open in front of my daughter. It would make the living situation even more unbearable! 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd February 2020 9:47 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Right Kateic88.

You step it up. You have to learn what you are dealing with here.

He has an addiction and that addiction will make him defend himself. Deep down he will be ashamed but its a powerful addiction which controls him

Its not a game about a little flutter so dont you let him tell you its alright. Its not alright. Its a highly dangerous activity especially once hooked.

Im afraid you cant trust him and you can assume those £100 withdrawals are for gambling unless PROVED otherwise.

If he was truly ready he would be glad to hand you everything,,,he would feel serene about that because he need help. However it seems he is getting uppity. You are probably the most important factor he has in his life but his addiction wants to control him,

So next time you confront him harder if you are safe to do so. Im afraid he needs ultimatums and he needs to hear you wont put up with it.

Gambling isnt clever and nor is it any form of income scheme...its a mugs game and he seems to be in debt which causes you to struggle.

As I said before you need a support network and you need more advice. If you can get to a local gam anon meeting for partners...Ring gamcare again.

As a loving couple your finances should be an open book...You need to see those statements and you need to ask why things are a struggle.

Im serious that if you are to stay and help him you need to be controlling everything and seeing his credit reports.

The devastating thing is that if he is not ready to stop you wont stop him but you will continue to suffer.

Its so hard to advise you. Many partners walk out and I dont blame them.

We advise you to protect yourself financially...you can only help him from a position of strength...if you are relying on him for a stable financial life you have a major problem.

Its not your fault so why should you suffer. I dont want to split you up.Im saying that you need your eyes wide open and you need to toughen up over this...he wont get help if he thinks you are going to stay at home putting up with it all.

What he need is reality. If you can find how much he has lost you need to bring that up if you are safe to do so....you need to be asking him how clever, ill and addicted his behaviour has been when you both need money to live on

I repeat again...Ive been a problem gambler and the last person I would live with is a problem gambler because Im crystal clear on the sheer power and dangers of that addiction.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 11 hours ago by Joydivider
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Posted : 23rd February 2020 12:24 pm
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