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Feeling betrayed-again!  

 
54321
(@54321)

So long story short, I have been with my partner for many years, we have kids, I've known about his problem with gambling from the beginning, but we were both young, he was going through a terrible time, I was naive and thought it would all change when we settled down. But no, it just reappears at varying levels of severity every now and then. 

He has done some pretty horrific things to our finances over the years, and put us in some terrible situations. I've been through the phase of not understanding, or taking personal offence, I've taken hits to my own self esteem etc. Then i've transitioned through the understanding and acceptance and i've actively tried to help him in every way you could imagine. I've been there and done it! And give him his due, he has tried his best, and we've had great periods of time in which I feel like he has managed his money without the urge to gamble. But now, after all of the stress of the past 6 months, he has gone off the rails again. He has gone through huge amounts of money, his money, my money, our family money and left us with none, then expected me to ask to borrow- which is something I do not do. 

The icing on the cake came last night when I learnt that he had earlier on in the year asked to borrow a large amount of money under the pretence that it was for something for me, which I didnt even know about. He had not repaid it and I was questioned about why. I felt humiliated and hurt- and at that time we had more money in the bank than ever so he did'nt need to borrow, and make our family look as though we can't provide for our selves. I am still furious because I am quite good with money and proud to say that we stand on our own two feet, and the particular person he asked, I have already set a boundary with and told him I do not ever want money from because of the way they have treated us in the past. 

I understand it is actions driven by addiction and a poor ability to cope in times of struggle, but the deceit still hurts, and leads me questioning the reality of our relationship. I feel like a doormat because of it, despite my best efforts and in instances like this, I find it so challenging to step aside from my own feelings, and see the addiction for what it is. I don't know what more I can do, and the thought of leaving it in his hands, at the time being, does not fill me with confidence. But I'm sick of just accepting it, he gets himself back on track and then he relapses and the world comes crashing down again, it's a cycle and we have identified the triggers for it, and we have kept ontop of them,  he has kept on top of them.  Then he does something stupid- again. 

I apologize for the rant, this is the first time I've looked at support for myself. It's not something I want to discuss with friends and family. There is no point to this post other than to vent really. 

Thank you

 

Quote
Posted : 12th September 2020 9:32 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hi 54321

                Thank you for posting such a descriptive experience. There really is no need to apologise. What you have spoken about highlights the challenges of supporting loved ones around their problem with gambling. This also illustrates how you have been affected by this in the many aspects of your life. You have shown great courage sharing this. I would like you to know that we are here 24/7  and are only to willing to help and support you in anyway.  Please feel free to call our helpline or netline any time. 

tel:08088020133

Please keep posting and sharing as well.

Wishing you all the very best,

Darren

Forum Admin

This post was modified 2 weeks ago by Forum admin
ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th September 2020 11:45 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi 54321. I totally understand your frustration upset hurt anger and every other emotion that you probably feel on a daily basis. But and it is a big but....he still gambles and unless this is addressed nothing will change ever you will be stuck in this cycle. Gambling addiction is a progressive addiction the bouts of gambling get worse the loses bigger, and as you are seeing now the lies and deceit get worse. You say " there is no point to this post other than to vent really " Do you want him to stop gambling, does he want to stop? Have a think about this and post again. I'm the recovering gambler in our family and yesterday I reached 100 days without gambling and I gambled every day so it can be done and he seems to have decent spells without gambling but it can get a lot worse for both of you. Have a think and people can give you advice. But please remember it's his addiction you cannot "fix" him he has to fix himself. Best wishes

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Posted : 12th September 2020 12:41 pm
Joe-90
(@joe-90)

You are right to be frustrated, but you cannot control his actions unfortunately but you can control your own. In that regard, well done for coming on here even if it is just to vent. Unless things change Im afraid you will have to get use to venting.

If however you no longer want to be treated like a doormat (to quote your words) then you need to make some kind of stand. I was like your partner, I could stop gambling for weeks or even months at a time and therefore convinced myself I did not have an issue. But really I was not addressing my behaviour and how it affected everyone around me. Because of this once things got tough I would revert to escaping into the world of gambling.  It was not until my partner let me know in no uncertain terms that this behaviour was not acceptable if I was to remain in the relationship that I started going to GA meetings every week and started focusing on my recovery.

Recovery is down to him but if he is serious about it he needs to accept some barriers to help prevent him gambling. For me I have registered with GamStop so Im self excluded off all the betting sites, and I registered with self exclusion .co.uk site for all betting shops in my area. This makes it hard to place a bet (but not impossible so be alert). We also have a joint account where my wages go into, if I need anything I can use my debit card, no cash withdrawals so she can see all transactions. If I did need cash I would have to get a receipt but most things can be done with the card. That way she can see all my transactions. She also has access to my email, my credit report (shows any debt in my name) etc. I know it sounds harsh and the addict in me was very resistant at first, but it really is essential as you know addicts can destroy family finances in a matter of minutes. 

I know you also dont want to tell people but secrecy is the life blood of addiction and he has managed to borrow money as a result, you need to do something about this. 

GamAnon has lots of people who will know what you are going through. Thats would be a great place for you to get some support in all this. I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do.

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Posted : 12th September 2020 1:53 pm
Exasperated and struggling
(@exasperated-and-struggling)

I can really relate to this post yet I still feel alone and responsible for my situation. This is my first post but second time on this website. 

OK so I understand that statements can be misunderstood without context or background...so here's a bit of history. I deal daily with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety for over 11 years (not always accepting or dealing with it) and my husband has stood by me the whole way supporting me as best as he knows how. I have a fear of being left in the same situation at my mother, my father died from 2 heart attacks (potentially related to kidney failure and transplant back in 95) in 2000 and she was left with nothing, literally. She met my stepfather shortly after and I can't escape the thought she needed a man to look after her, he is as of May last year paralysed and bedridden after a severe stroke in July last year and my mom is now husband primary carer. 

So 4 or 5 years ago my husband and I were saving to visit his family in New Zealand and as I managed all the bills and expenses I was surprised that even knowing our income and outgoings was not able to save for our first holiday as a married couple. It was after his family bought only him a flight to go see them that I found out that he had spent over £3000 gambling that year. I felt so hurt, betrayed, angry cause I thought I'd failed by not managing our money and worthless or unloved that he could gamble our holiday away. I am still so angry that he was rewarded either way because of his family paying for him to go visit for 4 weeks. We had no time off together that year. 

I asked him to "pay for his actions " by saving the same and we would both go the following year and to his credit we did.

A year or so later I find out he was gambling again, only £1700 that I found out about but it still hurt.

Then it happened again. 

A week ago I looked at his account because he has been doing so much overtime and going to work before I even wake up yet he had no money so I ended up paying when we went out to play pool. He spent £2000 in undr 4 months. I can't help but feel, especially with the way my mind works  that I'm to blame. I hear my mind whisper, "if he was happy in your marriage he wouldn't betray you and gamble. It is obviously you making him so unhappy that gambling is his coping mechanism."

I know I'm not "suzzie sunshine" and my mental health has an effect on both of us, not just me. But I'm so angry and hurt. 

I told him if he gambles again even £1 ill give him divorce papers. He admitted that he must have a problem and he loves me so he will not gamble and will ask for help if he can't stop. He just makes me doubt myself because he says he isn't in bedt and didn't realise it was that much money but its his money. Yet he has no money when we go out together. I'm really struggling to get past this and not be angry with him. I understand that gambling is an addiction and may have very little to do with his feelings for me but I'm still so hurt. 

I refuse to be left in a position like my mother, left with literally nothing. I'm a proud person but I have been in the situation of accepting asda vouchers from the British Legion and I don't want to go "back". I just feel so lost. 

I know after reading posts on here that he may be dealing with his own mental health issues even if he doesn't admit or acknowledge them but I also feel powerless and scared and I hate feeling this way.

Only time will tell but after having done so many versions of therapy for my own health I thought I'd post on here to see if I feel better after "sharing my load" and talking/writing it all down.

Thanks for listening removed link  

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Posted : 14th September 2020 8:36 pm
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