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(@jog15)
Posts: 1
Topic starter
 

Can anyone advise of support for partners, I’m at a lose as to what to do, as the devil has returned over Christmas

 
Posted : 1st January 2021 8:42 pm
(@bettyboy)
Posts: 2
 

So sorry that no one has bothered to answer you. Please ring helpline 

 
Posted : 2nd January 2021 12:54 pm
 Loux
(@loux)
Posts: 848
 

Welcome to the site Jog 15..their is a freinds and family chatroom you can access on monday..otherwise the netline and helpline are very helpful.

There is plenty other friends and family on this site..i think their is a tab for friends and family maybe have a read through some of the other forum posts 🙂 

Do you want to explain more about your situation ? 

Loulou 

 

This post was modified 3 years ago by Forum admin
 
Posted : 2nd January 2021 6:05 pm
(@peridot67)
Posts: 3
 

I am here to try and find a way to help my daughter overcome her gambling addiction.  Tell me, what kind of support do you feel you need from people?  How can I help my daughter?

 
Posted : 17th February 2021 2:49 am
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)
Posts: 887
 

@peridot67 Firstly you could give the helpline a call or gam-anon, that's for family and friends of problem gamblers, but secondly, it all depends on what your daughter wants to do for herself?

Has she sought out any help either with GA, on here, via counselling, or can you just see her and want to help her?

Could you give me a little more of the situation?

Chris.

 
Posted : 17th February 2021 10:18 am
(@peridot67)
Posts: 3
 

Hi, 

Thanks for responding.  She hasn't had a positive experience with talking therapies recently, her last counsellor simply wouldn't allow her to talk about anything else except a sexual assault she experienced as a teenager, this left her emotionally distraught in between sessions and resulted in her having a psychotic break where whilst drunk, she smashed her kitchen window and took a piece of glass and cut a g**h into her forearm requiring hospital treatment, all it achieved was to drag up an experience she wanted to forget and the counsellor was like a dog with a bone, she just wouldn't let go of it despite pleas from my daughter to move on and discuss what's current.  She is now on anti psychotic drugs with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder from that incident, whatever that means.... My daughter was left damaged from that counsellor.  Her husband moved out as she could no longer cope with him being there and not helping her so she asked him to leave - she has been more stable since then as her failed expectations of him weren't in her face anymore - he wanted kids but failed to do his part as a parent putting it all on my daughter who was chronically ill with severe endometriosis which culminated in a full hysterectomy a couple of years ago which resulted in a rapid menopause at 29, all not helping matters. The gambling is just another symptom of her deep unhappiness.  She tells me that she is addicted to the high of a win whilst acknowledging that she never really wins.  In any case, she is aware of what she is doing and is aware of the damage she is causing yet still does it - classic addictive behaviour.  She registered on Gamstop but found a workaround to it. My take on this is to just stop giving her money when she asks for it and encourage others to do the same.  She currently owes me £1300.  I am on disability benefits.  I could really do with that money back, I cannot afford this.  I have just finished paying off a loan I took out from a family member to stop her being evicted for rent arrears and she is back in arrears again so my going into debt for her had no effect.  Her financial irresponsibility affects her young children too and even they don't stop her from addictive behaviour (aged 7, 5 & 4) - they are completely unruly now, feral children who do what they want, when they want and simply don't listen to her so shouting and screaming is commonplace in the home now, its chaotic compounded by lockdown and lack of schooling.  The eldest has learning difficulties, he is 8 in August and can barely write his name, he can't read at all either, we think he has dyspraxia and my daughter has been in a constant battle to get him assessed since he was 5 mainly due to his behaviour (he can be violent towards his siblings), lockdown killed that too.  As its been identified he has Special Educational Needs, Social Services have put their oar in too, subjecting my daughter to spot checks leaving her terrified of disciplining the children and feeling attacked for her parenting, they even suggested his learning difficulties were because the house was untidy, I ask you, with three children 6 and under as they were at the time, with a woman with chronic illness/pain and a husband who did precious little around the house, a little untidiness is to be expected, but, not to them it seems.  (I have the oldest to stay as regularly as I can and he is calm here as its a calm house, he can't cope with too much stimuli which is constant with his siblings) but I can't cope with staying there any longer, it's a constant battle with the kids to get them to comply with anything, 2 of them simply refuse to go to sleep and most evenings are spent trying to get them to stay in bed, one of them does like to sleep but as the other two prevent her from doing so, she is tired and cranky all day.   Recently my daughter said she couldn't home school as she didn't have a computer and the kids had 'smashed all the tablets', so I obtained a desktop pc and printer, buying a new keyboard and windows 10 as the previous owner was french & he had a different operating system on it, we couldn't reload windows as the owner had sadly died and the passwords were unknown, it had to be reconfigured.  I didn't ask her to pay for any of it, it cost me £100 or so, a mistake on my part as she won't hold any value in it as it was free to her. Despite providing her with the tools she needed I have seen no evidence of home schooling going on and the laptop I previously gave her, she said didn't work,  all of a sudden started working when she charged it up.  I am just an enabler, aren't I ?  I support all of her addictions in part when I give her money or buy her the things she needs. From my perspective, I can signpost to specialist counselling and stop enabling her by not giving her or spending any more money.  What else can I do?

 
Posted : 19th February 2021 3:23 am
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)
Posts: 887
 

@peridot67 That's quite a story, full of sadness all round.

The gambling is the only thing that I can really talk about, and you are right when you say it is just another sympton of her problems. I've tried counselling and for me it felt like my counsellor was trying to get to some root cause of my problem, like if they could identify some defining moment it would resolve everything. It wasn't for me.

For help with my stopping gambling I have always gone to Gambles anonymous. It has always worked for me and I would always encourage others to find a meeting. Even in lockdown there are meetings on as are zoom meetings, but I personally feel the physical meetings more beneficial.

As far as you helping her goes, it does sound like you are enabling her, but i do understand the difficulties that you face. It's easy to say don't give her money but real life doesn't follow a script so I know that will be very difficult for you. Sadly the gambling addiction will take down not just the gambler but those around them too, given a chance. You need to try to look after yourself so that you will be there for her and her kids when she's not able to look after herself.

There is a Gamcare section for loved ones of the gambler and also Gam-anon, the loved one side of Gamblers anonymous. You'll be able to google them both, but I would try not giving over any money to start with.

Have you talked to your daughter about getting help with her gambling? The biggest hurdle is the gambler wanting help. 

Chris.

 

 
Posted : 19th February 2021 9:53 am
(@peridot67)
Posts: 3
 

Yes, we have discussed her getting advice but she is afraid it might end up like the last c0uncillor.  She doesn't want to look at the cause, she just wants to develop coping mechanisms in order to stop gambling. The cause has been and gone, its in the past and can't be changed. Understanding why she gambles won't help to fix it.  Her brain doesn't work that way. I am going to look up the groups you have mentioned and send her a link.  I am very worried about her. I am wondering if there are sponsors like AA... that would help her, someone outside of her circle she can talk to when she feels the need to gamble.....

 
Posted : 19th February 2021 3:18 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)
Posts: 4883
 

Hi.... real sorry to hear about the dreadful situation in which you and your daughter find yourselves. For me the gambling is clearly a reaction to stress. When gambling she switches off, zone's out and becomes enthralled waiting for the next win, the next hit of dopamine. Its all designed to be addictive of course and extremely hard to walk away from as I know myself.

I don't know what the answers are other than working on ways to reduce stress levels and getting support to help with the children and help manage money. Practical help and support. As you say yourself, if you give money its likely to go into a gambling black hole, especially given the huge financial pressures to keep roofs over heads. Personally I think that counselling is something for much further down the road when day to day life isn't so fraught.

Your doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances. Use talking support for yourself, where ever you can find it.

All the best.. S.A

 
Posted : 20th February 2021 8:22 am
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)
Posts: 887
 

@peridot67 the fact she wants to stop is a great first stop.

As far as GA goes, we don't go digging for a reason, we just aim to stop. Abstaince from gambling. She could sit and listen or better still, share her story but without judgement or the constant going over the same issues. 

GA is also a recovery program which can involve working with a group or individual to go through the 12 steps. Ultimately it's looking at yourself, admitting that gambling has you beat, trying to change some of the bad habits or character defects that we pick up over the years, and ultimately give back to others. There is part in there about looking at yourself and that can be difficult but after you've done that you leave it behind with someone you trust, a sponsor, and move on with your life.

Not everyone does it, it can take others longer to do it than others, but it has changed my life.

I certainly wouldn't recommend that though until she was at least 6 months to a year gamble free. She could get a sponsor too like you mentioned. Again, not all groups have sponsors but a lot do. Find a meeting and try it. 

Let me know if she has any questions.

Chris.

 
Posted : 20th February 2021 9:30 am

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