Don't know where to turn

Hi Hay, welcome to the site 🙂

I can't answer if you'll be better off without him but I can say you need support! If you can't speak to your Dad this time, can you get back to GamAnon? If not, call the helpline...They offer free counselling! Try not to take this personally & look after you - ODAAT

Unfortunately he would know from his time in GA that this is something he will have to manage for the rest of his life... sad but true. You both need support. This isn't personal and it's at least a good sign that he's gone back to his meetings.

I know it stinks feeling like this is always going to be there but wishing it away doesn't help either.

Make sure your finances are secure and then take some time to breathe and get your perspective. Be patient with yourself - you don't have to make any decisions today. If you don't feel like talking to him for a while then so be it... do what you need to do.

Cathyx

Thank you both for your advice , I feel like I've been there got the t shirt and I don't won't to do it all again ! I'm so angry with him I can't think straight ... your right though no decisions have to be made today or even tomorrow, this probably going to be one of the biggest decision of my life so I need to make the right one for me and the children .

Hi hay.
Your story and so many are so similar to mine.
I've no advice as my OH relapsed this week after about 16months free.
He admits he an addict when we are good, but when we are bad I'm controlling I make him work etc etc..

We also have young children and I honestly don't know what to do for best.
Odaat is amazing and her words of wisdom resignat through me each day.
I've secured mine and children's finances. I've got info about my options. Take each day.
I'm going to see what each day brings and if a decision is made then I'll follow it, but making a definitive choice seems too hard for me because of my children.
I hate to fail. I hate to give up. And he needs forever support which being he father of my children I will always hold his hand. But one day I may take my heart away. And lock it away.

Good luck. And sorry your feelings this way. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Thank you too everyone who has left advice.

My finances are all good as we have always had separate bank accounts , and the kids are all in my name, so it's only his own wages that's is financing the gambling!

To The Partner , I know exactly how you feel when I read your message is was as if I written it myself ! I feel exactly the same about the kids , if I make him go I will feel as if I have let the children down , when I know all the blame is on his shoulders ! I also don't like failing , but is it us that's failing ?? Like you said one day at a time.

All take care , and again thank you x

Hi hay.

Nothings improved here. He's still adamant that nothing has changed and I'm the culprit. That I will find out the hard way he is the best I'll get or deserve.

I'm tired of fighting and tired of feeling the blame in some sense.
My kids come first.
I think slowly it's coming to a close. If he doesn't man up in the next few weeks over the school leave, I can't see we will come back from it.

Communication is always been key for me and as you see by the lengthy replies haha !
The more people I tell the more it sinks in. Tell your close circle of family and friends. Just choose your wording carefully.
The last thing you need is to express an opinion and stay together only to have changed their opinion. But talking helps.

Each day. We are at week 1 and last week I couldn't have imagined I'd go 1 week of ignorance and keeping up my anger towards him.last week with out these guys I'd have caved and forgiven him. But then he thinks there isn't an issue. Let him work, let him sleep on the sofa and do his own blooming washing. Let him fix himself because I can't. I'm not adequate reason nor are our children for them to stop hiding and talk.
Good luck.

Hi the partner ,

I've got to say your first sentence has really made me angry ! How dare he say that to u !! You and your children deserve the world ! He's been like this cos he's knows he's in the wrong and by the sounds of it isn't man enough to own up to it yet , they all have to hit there rock bottom and it sounds like he hasn't !

It's amazing how long you can stay angry with them , I felt I was / am turning into a bitter old women and I ain't that old !!

Has he considered a G. A meeting ?? My husband has gone back and I tell it feels like a load has been lifted , he know we have a long long way to go ... but if he's trying I feel I must too !

Take care of you and your children and remember how special yous are xx

He won't talk about councillors or ga or meetings or gamcare website because he insist he has not got an issue with gambling because once he looses everything we have then we goes on the ultimate earn. (Which he is doing now)

I honestly just feel lost. There has never been a time in 8 years together 6 years I've known of his gambling I haven't given in. Haven't let my love for him say is ok, he works so hard, he's tired, he doesn't drink or play sports or socialise much, he deserves to spend...
All those stupid things young idiots think to make things ok.

I've never stopped him. Tell him to get his gym bk. Tell him to do his course. Pay the £20 a month for his Internet so he can do his course to better our future.

I don't socialise. Go with out so kids can have. Do what I can and make do with what I have because kids come first.
I'm sick of it. That was our deposit. Our house. Mine and his savings. Not for the kids not for him or me. But for our family. I'm angry today.
Yet I still I miss him. Want a hug. And found myself watching him sleep... Someone honestly needs to ship me off to a nut ward.

Good luck. And keep talking.

Hi,

Sorry to hear your story. I haven't read any of the replies you've been given as I personally think it's easier to give an honest opinion in not doing so.

I'm a married man of 15 years in Sept this year. I have three young children aged between 3 and 12. I suppose I've always enjoyed a bet, but in the last 3-4 years this enjoyment turned in to an addiction that was not only ruining my life but would have hurt and ruined my family, the ones I love.

When your in the height of a gambling addiction nothing really matters more than your next bet. You may enjoy everyday things, but in the back of your mind is the addiction. If you'd have said to me last year thatI was an addict, I'd have thought you were stupid! However in December when the long dark days seemed to last 24hrs and I felt my the world was closing in on me and my addiction I made a New Years resolution to stop gambling. No help from anyone just good old me. Of course this didn't work I bet heavily thoughout January before reaching what I know as my "rock bottom" in Feb. This addiction had beaten me. I couldn't fight it alone any longer, so I came clean with the wife and told her EVERYTHING. I agreed to immediately attend GA meetings which are the best thing I ever did. With the support of my wife and my GA group I know I would not be approaching 6 months gamble free.

So back to your story. Time to sit back down with your husband and ask some questions. If he tells you the truth he may want to stop gambling, if he keeps anything from you he doesn't. In his past has he reached "rock bottom" or was he found out to be a gambler? Like I said, last year I wouldn't have admitted I had a problem, even though the debts were growing and I was out of control. You can't make a gambler stop, THEY must want to do so.

Ask him why he stopped GA? I'm sorry to say the "overtime" excuse doesn't play with me. I need my GA meeting, I lose overtime attending 1-2 times a week but I'm still better off than I was was whilst gambling. I travel a 85 mile round trip to attend mine, but still its the cheapest and best therapy I can get. I can work overtime the other 3 nights a week, plus Saturday morning if required. You've seen his statements does it add up that 2-3 hours overtime would cover his gambling loses?

Speak to him, your the innocent victim here. Especially if he isn't speaking with you! Be strong...........

Life is stressful. Work is stressful, family life is stressful. But with the added mis of a gambling addiction it is horrendus, believe me.

I don't know if you've phoned the GamCare helpline. Hopefully they will get you both some counsilling at least to start some conversation between the two of you. I know I'm living in the last chance saloon, maybe its time your husband realised this too, as you do mention in your last sentance "will we be better of without him" so it has crossed your mind.

I really hope you can head-way in this battle with your husbands addiction. He needs help but he will also need the support of others along the way. Please update us all on your journey.

Wishing you all the best. Shep.x

Hi

I am fairly new to this world of being a partner to a gambling addict. It's the impact on the kids that just hurts so badly. Feelings are odd, just felt selfish for wanting to leave when his self centred selfishness caused the reason for me wanting to leave.

However as others have said you getting some control is very very important. I have found that getting some financial and online controls in place and monitoring has given me some peace of mind.

Your partner just seems to put you in a situation where you have no control. It looks like it would be better to be without the overtime trying to rebuild trust rather than with cash overtime that you suspect will be gambled away.

This I work hard so I can spend the money attitude is not fair if you and the kids go without. He needs to do the right thing and provide for his family AND repay past bailed out debts before he thinks about spending on himself.

Sending u hugs
Lou

Hi ,

I haven't written on here for a while ..nearly a year actually cos silly me though things where fine !

After my last post I decided to stay with my husband, he attended weekly GA meetings and we was getting back on track , I did make it clear that this was the last time ! That I wasn't strong enough to have all the heart ache again, he promised he would never do it again ! he gave me access to ALL his bank accounts and I would check on them, to make sure no monies was taken from off-line betting shops, no bets had gone through and things seemed to be going well, until last week

He came home from work and he had some post on the side which was actually junk mail , he put it all out in the recycling bag in the garden , then said I'm gonna put all the recycling out down by the the bins! He has never in the 17 years we have been married put the bins out ! My heart sank cos I just knew he was hiding something , I waited for him to go work the next day and the kids to go to school and I went down the bin bags , and I found a betting slip , I didn't think he could hurt me anymore than he has done in the past, but here I am again , I text him a photo of the betting slip and told him I was done ,he replied he'd only had one bet , but I don't believe him, he's been staying at his Mum'S since , he's been round to see the kids , he asked if we can talk and I just can't , I can't even look him in eye

Why why why has he done this again , he's completely destroyed me , destroyed our family

hey Hay,

sorry to hear your update, whatever you decide I hope you rediscover happiness and respect, you sound so supportive and dont deserve to be lumbered with the c**P us CG leave behind! best wishes

Hi ,

Thank you for your reply,

I love my husband dearly and I think I always will , but now it's time to put me first and children and that's what I intend to do, I don't want to be heartless but there has to be a point when enough is enough and I can honestly say hand on heart that I'm there now .

Wishing you all the best

Hay

Hi Hay, that's a sad outcome for you all. I've stayed with my cg, it's tough but today is good. We both go to meetings. I get support and knowledge. I wish you strength, call and talk to someone on gamcare just for support x