Don’t know what to believe

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(@pepa123)
Posts: 5
Topic starter
 

Hi everyone,

i recently found out my husband is a gambling addict. Over the last 8 years he has lied to me about any debt he has got it. The penultimate time we went for couples counselling and he agreed for me to control our finances through a joint account. We each maintained a private account for personal expenses. I always thought the debt was due to his frivolous attitude to spending and some poor choices. This has happened 4 times now. 

The most recent time I found a bank statement showing credit card payments, he told me he had not debt. I confronted him, he told me it was £800 then when I asked for proof a few days later he spun me a story about being suicidal and having a years worth of counselling to help him with his gambling problem. He then admitted it was £12000 debt. He left to stay with family as I couldn’t face hi, being near me. Then a few days later, after lots of grovelling I contemplated having him home but wanted to see proof of the amounts first. At this point he told me he had lied about being suicidal and the counselling and that the debt was actually £25000. 

He he says he wants help and seems to have done things to get it. He has told me he has used GameStop and blocked his bank accounts/credit cards. Has registered his phone on Gamban and has signed up for a GA meeting and cbt through NHS. 

 

Ive registered for counselling through gamcare as I’m struggling to know what choice to make about our relationship. When I spoke to the advisor I was told that they could help my husband so I told him about it. He has just told me that he enquired but there is no availability at the moment and that they will contact him when there is. Does this sound right? When I spoke to the advisor I got the impression that it would be available sooner. I wonder if he is lying about it. 

He says he hasn’t thought about gambling all week as he is focused on proving to everyone that he can do this but that doesn’t seem right for someone with an addiction.. I wonder if he is still in denial about it and is acting this way because I’ve “kicked him out” and everyone is understandably worried and disappointed. 

I am so cross and upset about all this and can’t believe that I’ve been such a fool to believe him and put myself and our children in this position. The future seems so daunting and there feels like a lot of pressure to make a decision about our relationship. 

 

Any advice would really be welcome. Thank you. 

 

 

 

 
Posted : 25th March 2021 4:49 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)
Posts: 2156
 

Hello Pepa123 and welcome to the forum.

You are very welcome here and if you also have some friends and family to talk to it will be a good thing.

The first rule is to take some deep breaths and realise you have to protect yourself financially and in terms of the roof over your head. Ideally while in your own space he needs some reality checks to start recovering from a drug addiction

Im afraid you have to look after yourself first and he needs to realise he is an addict who needs serious help

We are not saying he is inherently bad but trust and love go on the backburner while you learn about the sheer power of this addiction to control people like a puppet. You can not let this be a blind love or be a shrinking violet

Its not your fault so dont be hard on yourself. A gambler will naturally manipulate those around them to keep the fix going. Dont get too wrapped up in what he is doing at the moment...concentrate on what you are doing.

That includes reality checks and carefully worded ultimatums that gambling is not acceptable to you and even a sniff of gambling is not acceptable.

If he is ready he wont want the trust as he has some cold turkey to do. You can never fully trust him again

This is a lifelong recovery for him and you have some decisions to make...these are your decisions. Be proud of who you are and what you expect from others.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

This post was modified 3 years ago 2 times by Joydivider
 
Posted : 26th March 2021 9:42 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)
Posts: 4883
 

Hi Pepa123,

I echo much of what Joydivider has said. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be in your shoes.

A few additional thoughts. From what you say it looks like your husband is only making half-hearted attempts to help himself in order to appease you. Whilst (as with Joydivider) I am not saying that your husband is intrinsically a bad person but I would suggest that he is very much controlled by his addiction. I would not believe anything that he says at the moment. Proof needed for everything.

For example where you say... "he has used gamestop" (its actually gamstop by the way).... does he mean that he has registered them?? If so, he will have received an email confirming this. have you seen it?? Its not an App its more of a database and a way of prevented the person who gambles from opening up new gambling accounts at any online casino registered with the gambling commission... which is 99% of them. Read on the site. You may wish to register yourself, which will prevent your husband using your details to gamble with.

As for debts, he probably doesn't even know himself what the true debt total is. It was a long time before I properly sat down and did a full inventory of all the money I owed. Be prepared for the fact that the debt total maybe even higher, if you factor in any debts to friends and family and other credit lines you don't know about.

When you say he wants "prove to everyone that he can do this"... well, you need to see the evidence... and whilst he may well have been well meaning in the moment, thinking and actions can change in an impulsive  moment at any time. Unfortunately gambling addiction is the only addiction where further gambling can seem like the solution as well as the problem.

Sorry if this all sounds a bit bleak, but please be realistic. The problem just ain't going to go away and the manipulation may well continue. Pretending to be suicidal does demonstrate how mentally unwell your husband currently is. Self-protection, keeping at arms length, use your own talking support, completely separate finances.

Your Ok, do what you have to do.

All the best

 
Posted : 26th March 2021 11:25 am
(@pepa123)
Posts: 5
Topic starter
 

Thank you for your replies. Sorry for the spelling mistakes, I started writing and then realised I was running late for picking the kids up. I didn’t realise I had so much to write and to be honest I probably could have said a lot more. 

Ive had a chat with him today and I think he is still very much in denial about his issues. He thinks that the thought of loosing us and the family life he wanted is enough of a game changer for him this time. But it wasn’t all the other times over the last 8 years... He says he need me, to nag and check on him. I was not impressed by that and told him he needs to do this himself, I’m  it responsible for his addiction. 

I think I’ve reached the point where I’ll support him as the father of my children and as someone I care about but not in the capacity of wife. I want better for myself and for my children than to have to live in  constant state of alert and anxiety. I fell in love with someone who was a fantasy, they don’t exist. The life I thought we had and we’re working towards we’re also fantasies. I feel a total fool, what does it say about me that I wanted to believe in a life and a family so much that I ignored all the evidence pointing to the contrary. My children are now going to live with a divided family  and I’m partly responsible for that. I’ve hurt them by chasing a dream... 

I feel like s**t. I hope it’s going to be the right decision in the end. I feel so worried about the future. 

 
Posted : 26th March 2021 2:47 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5946
Admin
 

Dear @pepa123,

Thank you very much for the update. It sounds like you have made some difficult decisions since yesterday and that you are grappling with the enormity of these decisions. I appreciate none of this has been easy but it sounds like you have thought about this long and hard and the decision has been guided by what is good for your children and yourself because you and the children matter. 

I wanted to reassure you that this didn't happen because you missed the sings. If he didn't want you to know, you didn't know. You have entered this relationship in good faith with love in your heart and you had no reason to suspect anything - until proven otherwise. Also, it is normal to want a happy, stable family, who wouldn't want that?

I understand that right now you are worried about the future, it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel for all the turmoil you are going through at the minute. But please know that you are not alone, the Forum is here to support you, we are here to support you, I am sure you have support from family and friends as well. I know it's sometimes difficult to reach out and talk, but if you feel so low make sure you do, as hard as it is. 

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

 

 
Posted : 26th March 2021 7:16 pm
(@charlieboy)
Posts: 1013
 

Hi pepa, every time I read posts like yours I'm reminded how totally evil gambling is. The destruction I'm thinking about is not really money it's the effect on loved ones, the lies,deception,manipulation the hurt it causes. It bounces me back to the upset I caused..... However I'm now nearly 10 months gamble free but the difference may be is that I desperately wanted to give up but I couldn't go 24hrs without gambling on willpower alone, I didnt know how to get help. My husband found out and even though he was really angry he helped me to get help Gamstop was a game changer for me knowing that I couldn't gamble was such a relief and also my husband being in full control over the finances. But I still had to put the work in have the counselling, attend GA have a long hard look at myself. Does your husband want to change I don't know. It doesn't sound like he's ready to put the hard work into recovery and change . He wants you to police him, nag him, keep him on the straight and narrow. Hes not ready to see that he has to fix himself. I wish you all the best for the future, you and the children deserve happiness. Get yourself some help as well, talking all this through with a counsellor might help you make some sense of it all.

 
Posted : 26th March 2021 7:57 pm
(@natural1)
Posts: 34
 

This may help.... i hope...

I'm in recovery from many years of Gambling, 

I would say the most important thing apart from professional counselling(find route cause)/courses to aid thought processes, as a couple is to open up the real communication with an addict,

you'll hear about the ramifications of his actions.......but preventatively he needs to talk while he's having the driving/convincing thoughts compelling him to gambling with you so you can irradiate the skewed logic/ ground him, 

role play with him may work.....  to open communication with you....ask him to pretend (relive a few past episodes) when /while he's having those thoughts irrational logic driving him to gamble rational to go to casino or logon to a site, instead of doing something positive and constructive/really fun.

and next time it will seem second nature to ask your opinion/view point on removed link

Addicts of any type will always find a way to get there fix..... however many barriers there are in place

so be wary, and definitely protect your assets if they are entwined removed link and i hope he fully opens up to you (sounds like hes started) whatever weakness and embarrassment/outward view he wants to portray,  is holding him back from being real with you... 

all the best 

 
Posted : 26th March 2021 8:34 pm
 am9
(@am9)
Posts: 10
 

Hello Pepa123, 

I am in a very similar situation to you, however I am the addict and I’m feeling the wrath of my partner. As the majority of us never come clean, and we actually get caught to is 100% natural to 1. Never believe a word we say ever again, and 2. To find it very difficult to support us. 

I was caught dipping in and out of a joint account as little as 7 days ago. Being cause was the best thing that’s happened to me since my addiction started years ago, i was lucky I did t spiral out of serious control, and was able to recover debts straight away. But that wash only luck. My partner can’t bare to look at me, she’s contemplating everything to go on with life without me. I was straight on the phone to gamstop, shut down/blocked every means of access, handed over all finances, talked and talked, cried and cried, and I’m now in a better place already. Albeit I’ve barely scratched the surface of my addiction, I’ve lifted the weight of the betrayal. I have a lot of support around me, but I only crave the support of one person, and she can’t accept what I’ve done and therefore cannot give it to me yet. That causes me to feel low and anxious which in this vulnerable phase are not healthy for me. You’ve come to the right place for advice, and I encourage you to keep researching what gambling addiction is. It’s a parasite, we become hosts which have no control. We lie to everyone, it’s not directed at one person. My parents, best friends all ask why I couldn’t speak. We have no voice as gambling takes it away from us. Sympathy and empathy are very difficult emotions in these phases as I’m experiencing myself. It’s very difficult but try and put yourself in his position. Demand he joins gamstop, registers gamban, blocks his bank, hands over finances. If he plays games he’s not ready to give this up. Luckily for me I absolutely realised life with my family is far more important. 

I also reached out to some extra support therapy which focuses on change rather than just talking and behaviour. I’ve had one session which is designed to find the root cause, and why I chose gambling in the first place. It’s a lifetime commitment and will absolutely be a bumpy road. But support is key, don’t nag him like he says, but talk. If he’s truly prepared for the fight he will make all the early changes like I have.

good luck 

 
Posted : 26th March 2021 9:21 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)
Posts: 2156
 

Yes as I said do not be too hard on yourself. We are not relationship counsellors so have to separate the facts about a horrendous addiction  which affects millions of people

You can give him moral support with the knowledge and strength you will gain

All we are saying is that we know this addiction and you do need to protect your stability. We are not saying that you have to be cold or heartless. How you deal with your relationship is up to you

Nobody is judging you for a problem which is not your fault. You should not feel like fool...things ebb and flow in life and nobody has a crystal ball to look into the future.

Gambling is an addiction that has affected millions. The government have done nothing to protect people from this vice, scam or mugs game which rapidly becomes addictive.

I hope he will seek help. He has not done it with an evil laugh to hurt you...its an addiction and he can make it history when he is ready for his born again moment.

I understand your decision. Perhaps he will realise you were the only important factor in his life. He needs to face the truth about how he has affected his relationships.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 3 years ago 3 times by Joydivider
 
Posted : 26th March 2021 9:50 pm
(@pepa123)
Posts: 5
Topic starter
 

I just wanted to come and thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. I’ve thought of nothing else since finding out and have found your responses insightful and they have given me lots to consider. 

 

 
Posted : 29th March 2021 8:32 pm

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