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Dont know how to let go  

 
Timetomoveon
(@timetomoveon)

Hi everyone.

Its a long time since I was last here (under a different name, and at that point we had lost contact with our son, life with him was so bad we felt we had no other choice.

To cut a long story short after maybe 18 months he contacted us to say he now has a family of his own and wanted to be part of our lives again. 

We saw enough to believe that possibly he’d turned a corner and with our boundaries in place we decided to try again. Now that we have grandchildren we thought all the more reason to try and have a better relationship with him. It was quite tense at times but we continued to try and move forward, and we gave it our very best go. 

In hindsight I think I ignored all the warning signs, the usual tell tale signs he was gambling but his partner said it was just “ the odd bet” and nothing to worry about and she believed he had it under his control, I did explain that he cant gamble -ever.

As I feared hes spiralled out of control and is the monster  , as I describe him -,again, to say hes vile is an understatement. All the usual behaviours that go with the addiction all what we have seen many times before plus such anger and hatred and down right cruelty with with emotional and verbal abuse,  directed at us, his siblings and now his partner. I cant emphasise enough just how awful he is.

As if his behaviour isnt bad enough hes started drinking heavily too, and it ended with his partner grabbing  the children - just babies and leaving with little more than the clothes on their backs. 

She wont be going back thankfully and with barely a penny to her name shes having to try and find a home for her and the little ones. We have again cut all ties with him and can say with absolute certainty  there wont ever be another try at a relationship with him, I dont want to see or hear from him again. 

Weve been doing this for a very long time, tried too many times to count, and it always ends the same way and he still denies he has a problem. He has so much hatred towards us, very very cruel and spiteful, and if you listened to him you’d think he’d had the worst childhood ever, and not the happy, loved and cared for great life he and his siblings have had,  the things he comes out with are so ridiculous its jaw dropping.

My husband and other children are fine, they were ready to call it a day a long time ago but kept trying for my sake and I want to do the same just dont know how.

I am certain Im done once and for all, but hes still taking up so much of my head space  even though I couldnt be more certain that  Im done with him. Ive had lots of counselling and I dont believe I could gain anything with more,  yet have no idea why he occupies my mind so much. 

Of course Im going to think of him from time to time, but I have so many thoughts and feelings in my head I cant seem to switch off from it all. 

Im not sure even if there is answer but I do know I want some peace back back in my lfe that hasnt been there for a very long time. 

Id appreciate anyones thoughts on how I can move on from this, I want my life back not be ruled any more by his actions.

Thanks 

Quote
Posted : 3rd August 2019 2:18 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hi Timetomoveon, 

I am sorry to read what a tough time you're going through as a result of your son's behaviours.  Noone should have to deal with verbal and emotional abuse, and so it sounds like a positive move to have cut ties.  I read that you have had counselling in the past and don't feel any more would be useful at this time, however if you do need to chat at all please do call our free HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or contact us on live chat.  I hope you receive support and advice that helps you from our other forum members.  I wonder if you have also considered approaching http://gamanon.org.uk/ for some additional support and to perhaps meet with other family members that have had similar experiences. 

Kind regards

Leigh, Forum Admin

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Posted : 3rd August 2019 9:40 pm
Amom_
(@amom_)

I am so very sorry. I am the mom of a CG/Alcoholic. I know why you can't stop thinking about him... he is your son. When he was born and they put him in your arms you could never dream it would end up like this. I think we think about it so much because even though we know better we hope we can find the answer... how we got here or how we can change the outcome. 

My son is in recovery and I fight everyday to find that peace and serenity. It can be very elusive some days. Two things that have helped are Gam Anon/Al Anon & meditation. I have committed to a regular practice of my support groups and daily meditation. It is by no means perfect but has given me support, friendship and a reasonable amount of peace.

Again I am so sorry for the pain this must cause your mama heart.

Cathyx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd August 2019 11:30 pm
slowlearner
(@slowlearner)

Hi Timetomoveon,

I've read many heart breaking stories on here, but by a million miles yours is the most heartbreaking of all. The only thing i can say after more than 40 years of compulsive gambling is that i thank god every day for those who have invested & given so much to my recovery. Right now i just want to give you a big hug & tell you everything's going to be ok, but i'd be giving you false hope.

The most important lesson of all is that despite your suffering ( and your sons ) there's only so much you can give, there's only so far you can love and perhaps it's time to give what you have left in your reserves to your wonderful husband & the rest of your children. You've tried as hard as you can.

Clearing your headspace ?. I know it's hard but remember THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT.  I too had 2 parents ( divorced when i was 11 ) but always shared a common goal to see me, my brothers & sisters stay safe. Unfortunately i transgressed & entered at an early age the life of dependency that compulsive gambling brings. I stole from my employer, had my name all over the newspapers & couldn't even find the courage to tell them in advance of the hurt & humiliation i was about to  unleash upon a family that had never broken the law in their lives.

I wish i could turn the clock back & i mean that from the bottom of my heart. Now i realise that i can't it's so important to me to put things right for those i've wronged. It was ME  that was wrong not them & everyday i try to be better. Sometimes i doubt my commitment & feel so weak, yet when i hear your story right now i feel more focused than ever. The truth of this story is you can do nothing but treasure your wonderful marriage, the children that love & respect you for the wonderful parents you both are. You can only share that love with your son if he's prepared to admit he's reached rock bottom and hopefully demonstrate he's worthy of having the wonderful parents & family he's lost.

My Sincere Best Wishes

 

AL

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th August 2019 12:21 am
Timetomoveon
(@timetomoveon)

Thank you everyone.

Amom, youve described it so well, I think it  is simply because hes my son. Its such an ache in my heart that the only way I can describe it as a feeling of over whelming grief feels like some days I have to remember just to keep breathing.  My husband, children and rest of family dont have that,  I completely understand but I also see the pain my son is in too. However that doesnt change my decision to cut ties with him, Ive not got an ounce of strength left  to keep trying and I just dont want too anymore anyway.  

I do feel some guilt, maybe Ive abandoned him when he needs me most, is there something Ive missed or I should I of given it one more try. Logically I know we are good parents, couldnt of tried any harder or longer plus he doesnt even acknowledge me as his mum anymore, apparently he doesnt have one so he wouldnt even listen if we did try.,

I have used meditation for quite a while,  it does help but have let it slip recently we’ve been looking after our grandchildren a lot while their mum tries to sort their lives out. As soon things quieten down I’ll start mediation again. Gam Anon and Al Anon are both a long way from where we live, getting to either isnt really possible. After the last time we cut ties with our son I suffered with bad anxiety and ptsd ( he regularly trashed our home and I became very scared of him), my family doctor helped find me a good counsellor so Im going  to see  if I can start that again. I dont want my mental health to suffer to that degree again so Im going to make that a priority. 

It all feels a little surreal, almost like Im in limbo,  but I want some normality back so Im going to work on getting there.

I hope one day my son gets help, and he can have a good relationship with his children. For  us  though even if he does there wont be any going back.

Amom I hope your son continues in his recovery and you keep looking after yourself too . xoxo

Al 

Thank you for your kind words and support , I wish you so much support in your continued work on your recovery and I hope you go from strength to strength . 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th August 2019 2:55 pm
Foxcub
(@foxcub)

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I can't even comprehend the hurt you must be feeling. 

I hope that you know it wasn't your fault and that your sons non acceptance of his issue and abusive behaviour are in no way your fault. He has chosen not to act to change his ways and has chosen to act abusively- when it sounds like he should have been overwhelmed at the second chance you were offering him.

wishing you all the very best xx

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Posted : 5th August 2019 12:40 am
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