long story short, last year I found money had been taken from our savings account, I asked why and spending above our means was the excuse given which I believed. Fast forward to today I had suspicions that he had credit cards that I wasn't been told about even though I had already taken some of his debt in my name to pay off. I logged into his accounts which I feel bad about but ive discovered 30k of debt in loans and credit cards and on his account all the transactions are online betting. I dont know how to speak to him about this as he will know I looked into his accounts. Has anyone any advice?
The expression "if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's a duck" is what sprang to mind first of all when I read your post.
You don't say if he is your husband or partner but the fact you have a savings account together would indicate that you have a fairly deep relationship with him. I would suggest that you should be able to have the conversation about something that is troubling you, regardless of how you came to find out about it.
You may be accused of all things but that will just be from someone who is caught in the headlights. He may be wanting to stop but doesn't know how to and will be relieved that he has been caught, or he may not see it as a problem, in which case you might consider separate bank and savings accounts.
I believe that once you are sure, the direct approach is the easiest as it gets the hardest part over and then you can start the "what do we do about it?" conversation.
Thank you for the reply, its my husband i was referring to. I know I need to ask him about this as otherwise it will only get worse. Although still in shock at the size of the debt. It completely changes our future.
You can't put your head in the sand about this. Every day that passes is a further opportunity for him to dig a deeper hole and he'll almost certainly take it.
If he's given you the login to his accounts he must be aware you can use it so start with what you've found. See what the reaction is, whether he's ready to stop. Before you do that ringfence your own finances and any savings accounts he has access to. Don't take out loans you're liable for to repay his debt. Make protecting your own interests a priority.
@taylor1 The size of the debts will probably change the future short term and I know it's easy for me to say it's only money, but generally when someone stops gambling you find the income increases massively, so although it may take some doing, you will be able to sort it.
More importantly is you having people around you who understand and if he wants it, your husband having a help group through GA, Gamcare or another source of help. You can get help through Gam-anon which is the partner/friend side of Gamblers Anonymous or Gamcare have a support group for people in your position.
Thank you all for the messages and support. Ive had a look at the finances, checked my credit report aswell and also stopped paying in to the joint savings.
I spoke to him about it all yesterday and he is in complete denial, he was very shocked and flustered when i raised it, he doesnt see the debt is a big deal and denies the amounts spent on gambling. He says its only 30 quid a week (which would still be a lot) when in fact I know it is more around 150 a week. Ive given him some space and will keep an eye on all of the accounts
Sorry you are facing this. As the gambler, I would also deny, minimise and then distract.
I'd also be gambling more than ever to try and quickly bridge the gap -ideally via accounts you can't see
Or I may be good for a few weeks then have a big purge
What I wouldn't have done in your husbands situation is stop
best wishes and I hope he does decide now is the time he wants to stop