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Doing the right thing?

 
Dibbles83
(@dibbles83)

Hi all,

I found out last week that my partner of nearly 15 years, has been gambling. He said it started with a free roll on the slots then went from there. 

I found out when I questioned him about our finances (he has had control) when he put our holiday money back into the account for bills as he had "underestimated" what was going out. 

Long story short - he's been gambling for about 18 months. Using our cash then putting food shops etc on his cc. He has always made sure the mortgage, bills etc have been paid (I've checked).

He said he'll stop and I told him that he's destroyed my trust in him, I can't trust his word now. He said he will do anything I need for him to regain my trust. He's agreed for me to take over the finances. We've cut up his cc and I'm going to have his debit cards until after our holiday in August then reassess.

He didn't argue about any of it - he's just been incredibly apologetic, clearly ashamed and says he will do whatever it takes. 

I've told him if he slips, he needs to be honest with me because, as much as I love him, I'm not being lied to. I will walk! I'm hoping that the realisation that he could lose his family will be incentive enough to stop - but I'm not stupid!

Is there anything else I can do to help him? 

Thanks

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 16th June 2022 7:37 pm
Sb1994
(@sb1994)

Hi

Having been in your partner's shoes, I would say it's important for this not to be the only conversations you have. I think it is vital the thought of leading a normal life without gambling is massively important, to show there is life outside of it. 

On the flip side of this, I recently relapsed and lied and destroyed my relationship with my partner and parents despite living a normal life for nearly 18 months. The slightest thing can trigger a relapse and it's important to understand what they gamble on and why...

I mainly gambled on football and horse racing (big racing festivals and big football games was what drew me back in).

I think having the inability to talk about it when I first lost control again was a key part. I think before I mainly did it for my family and partner, then for myself partly. 

This time I think it's important that I do it for myself as a priority and others as a bonus.

I also recommend using MOSES and GamBan. As this really helped deter me from going into bookies and GamBan is a very good tool to restrict access to online gambling.

Hope this helps..

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th June 2022 11:39 pm
Red cat
(@stacy-m)

This is a very difficult situation and I have been in your situation. 

This is what I would suggest:

Get access to credit reports and check them regularly, for him and for you.  He can easily contact the credit card companies and say he lost his cards and have them reissued. He also should be attending GA meetings regularly if he wants to change.  Don't deviate from your boundaries and no empty threats.  If you are going to leave if he does it again then be prepared to do so in every way if it happens again.  Separate your credit cards and don't use any in his name.  All cash in accounts in your name only.

My two cents.  I went through this twice with my husband.  I share what I wish I learned from the first time. I am now suffering the consequences.  I wanted to believe my husband was honest but he is not.

I hope your husband is honest with you should he feel the urge to do this again.  Mine promised the same and was not.

I wish you all the best.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th June 2022 4:54 pm
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