Do I believe him this time?

Hi,
I'm sorry to hear about all of the stress that your partners gambling problem has caused both of you. It sounds to me like he is taking it seriously this time. I myself have signed up to Gamstop which is a really big step for a gambler as it makes it virtually impossible to bet for the amount of time requested.
I set mine to 5 years as now I finally realise that it's very rare that anything good comes from betting away your hard earned money.
Do you know how long he has set his self exclusion period?

Hi

thanks for replying. Yes he’s set it to 5 years. Does this now make it impossible to bet online? I just keep thinking there has to be a loop hole somewhere.

well done on signing yourself up you should be proud you’re taking a step in the right direction ?

I haven't tried myself to bet again but from reading and doing research, it's a very reliable system. Nothing you do within the time you specify can allow you to bet on any UK websites.
When I spoke to Gamcare, they suggested to give someone I really trust access to my bank account. I have told my girlfriend that whenever she asks, I will show her my bank account as I have nothing to hide any more.
Your partner saying that he is willing to show you his account every month is a very good sign I would say.
Personally I would say more frequent checks though as you can lose a lot of money in a month as you know (if he was to say, visit a betting shop when they re open).
He has to earn back your trust in a way and I'm sure that he understands this.
There are other apps/ websites other than traditional 'gambling sites' that you should look out for, because in my opinion, that is still a form of gambling.
I do think his actions show that he is willing to stop.

P.S- Thank you very much, it feels good to finally recognise that I did have a problem. Enjoy your evening:)

You've caught him out. He hasn't come clean (which is only very marginally better as it's usually a last resort). They tell us what they think we want to hear and we believe them because we want it to be over. The 'control' word is a massive red flag. I heard it and fell for it while Mr L was busy doubling the debt behind my back.

My advice would be not to believe a word he says without verifying it independently for yourself. If he's really ready to stop he will understand why you cannot trust him and will happily give you full financial transparency. An offer of a monthly check just doesn't cut it.

Welcome to the Forum Magh,

It sounds like you’ve been through a really difficult time, so we are really pleased you’ve come here for some support.

It can be really difficult after providing support and believing the promises to find yourself in the same predicament again. So when you ask how will you learn to trust him again, this is something that will take time, so please don't be hard on yourself if you are struggling. It's understandable that you have your concerns too, because you also have yourself and the family to protect.

I feel it was a great way to start rebuilding trust by you having access to his financial statement and as Adam95 mentioned, often our advice to someone struggling with a gambling addiction is to hand over their finances to someone they trust. By limiting access to money, your partner cannot gamble and that may help him whilst he is being supported through his phone sessions.

I am sorry to hear you can’t take anymore and that’s why it’s really important to not only look at the support that he is getting but also making sure you’re supported too. It’s not only those with a gambling addiction that we support but also their loved ones too. I was therefore wondering if you’d find it beneficial to talk to one of our advisers to see what further support is available for you too? Even talking to someone who understands a gambling addiction can help. Our services are here 24/7 

If this is something you’d find beneficial do please call us on 0808 8020 133 or you can chat to us via our NetLine

You may also find our Family and Friends chatroom helpful too, it provides an opportunity to have peer support from others who are going through a similar situation to you. If this is something you'd find beneficial you can access it on Mondays at 11.30  here: Chatroom

Do please remember to be kind to yourself too as what you are going through isn't easy for any of you.

Kind regards

ChrisK

Forum Admin

Thank you all for your replies

admin is there any other times for the chat rooms as I work full time? 

I think I’m finding this a lot harder than he is, or he’s good at hiding it all. I’m left picking up the pieces and paying for all the bills etc and having to dig into my savings to try and clean this mess up. I’m here to fully support him but now I’m doubting him because you have all said take control of his finances and he won’t allow it, will only let me do the checks. But That could be because he doesn’t actually want me digging far into the past to see how much has actually been spent? I don’t know! 

I’m here to fully support him, but this is the last time now. It’s gone on for to long I wouldn’t even say I’m mad about the money it’s the lies and deceit. Money can always be earned back the trust can’t and that’s what really gets to me. 

I haven’t got anyone to talk to about it so I’m sorry for ranting, I don’t even know if this makes sense. 

thanks ? 

Posted by: Lethe

You've caught him out. He hasn't come clean (which is only very marginally better as it's usually a last resort). They tell us what they think we want to hear and we believe them because we want it to be over. The 'control' word is a massive red flag. I heard it and fell for it while Mr L was busy doubling the debt behind my back.

My advice would be not to believe a word he says without verifying it independently for yourself. If he's really ready to stop he will understand why you cannot trust him and will happily give you full financial transparency. An offer of a monthly check just doesn't cut it.

I’m the gambler that has caused too much  pain in my relationship.

it pains me to say it but I can’t disagree with what Lethe has said, in my past many times  I have found I’ve only come clean because I had no choice, I’d been caught or had no other option, I absolutely hate that I’ve done that but that’s the truth, I’ve never meant to cause pain but I have.

I understand your partner for thinking he would be being controlled, I have felt that way plenty of times but being controlled is the only way he will ever beat it! 

A compulsive gambler having control of finances will never end well.

if he wants someone to speak to, message me and I will try my best to help.

good luck x

Thanks pablo87

all the hope I had is slowly fading away after reading through pages and pages from gamblers themselves to professionals. 

I had high hopes this would be a better outcome than the other times. ? 

I wouldn’t have a clue how to privately message someone on here to be able to ask him to speak to someone from their own personal experience. Thank you for the offer it’s really appreciated. 

we have been so open and honest with each other this week about it all and I’ve just asked him to share his online banking app again with me, I don’t want his card I just need to see for my own sanity and to help him not bet because he knows I will see. I don’t know if I’m doing right for doing wrong? This has turned into an argument because I want to “control” him, we haven’t argued throughout all of this we have both stayed calm until I have brought this up again ?

can this just be a big nightmare ?

hi magh

Honestly, from my experiences of coming clean and getting all the lies off my chest, it was such a relief and gave me so much confidence that I would never let my wife down or lie to her ever again, all the stress I was going through had gone and I felt relieved but it had just been passed over to my wife because now she was the one stressed and worried.

please understand these are only my experiences, your partner’s situation could be a totally different one.

he needs to accept that you checking his bank is only something you are doing to give you peace of mind and to help protect your family  financially, it will also enable you to intervene if he does slip and gamble again before he can get himself into a financial mess.

Ask him to read through these forums and seek help as much as possible, he should be doing everything he can to repair the damage he’s created.

Don’t feel guilty for asking him for reassurances, he’s the one that’s caused you to worry, he should be doing everything he can to lessen those worries.

it might seem like I’m being harsh but i hate other people suffering and making the same mistakes I have.

Thank you so much

i agree he should be doing everything he can, I just hope he finally sees that. It’s nice being able to read other people’s stories and how they have beat this it does give me some hope there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

well done on being gamble free, how long has it been for you now?

Unfortunately the only person who can help him not bet is him and that involves accepting the need for blocks. Handing over financial control is one of the most basic steps he could take. Accepting you need reassurance is another basic. Getting angry and defensive, expecting you to trust him and making you out to be the one in the wrong is classic manipulation.

You can't help him until he wants to be helped. Best to switch your focus to protecting your own interests and thinking about how you deserve to be treated and how you want life to be.

Hi Magh,
Reading your messages today, I feel like the only reason for him being so defensive with his bank account is clearly because he is hiding something. As others have already said, he should understand that he needs to gain back your trust and honestly, you are not asking for much.
The only thing that I can think of which has already been mentioned, is you having access to see all of his previous losses which he is too ashamed and worried for you to see, as he has used Gamstop to halt any betting for 5 years (if you are 100% sure that he has actually done this of course).
Tell him again that his actions are now negatively affecting your finances. Maybe this will be enough to hit home for him. My fingers are crossed.
For me and probably most people, it upsets me a lot more when my actions hurt loved ones/ other people rather than just myself.

I have been reading this thread with interest as a fellow (recovering) compulsive gambler and can see things from that viewpoint. 

The advice you have been receiving here is spot on and, also, your instincts are spot on.

Your partner's bank account(s) will reveal a bombsite of gambling transactions. The pattern will usually be a string of amounts on a given day, repeated over many days. The amounts will be large when all added up.

Naturally, he will be ashamed to show you but, in order to help tame his addiction (I take the view that it cannot be 'cured') it's a necessary, understandably painful, way ahead.

As Adam95 also wrote, you need to see evidence that your partner has indeed joined GamStop AND that he has chosen the 5 year abstention option.

(I'm not precisely sure how a 3rd party can prove this, anyone out there know how?)

GamStop is very good when banning regulated gambling sites but, of course, unregulated gaming websites aren't, by their nature, stopped by GamStop. But that's no good to any compulsive gambler because if you win on an unregulated gaming website, they don't play out any winnings. In other words, you will still need to see bank accounts even if your partner has indeed joined GamStop.

Also, when lockdown stops, bookies will open again and so bank account checking must continue into the future. (You can use cards in bookies as well as cash.)

I, personally, have handed my bank account card to my Mum (I'm married and in my 50s.). My wife knows and I do it because it works. I don't worry about 'pride' because it works and the alternative is disaster.

I did try to bypass the GamStop ban but when I went to an unregulated gaming site they didn't pay my winnings. So I was a double loser.

My point is that compulsive gamblers are, like me, very crafty and if we have the urge to gamble will also find a way. Our willpower is fallible. And I repeat, we are craftier than you can imagine.

Blocks, and oversight of those blocks by a loving partner, is crucial. That's just the way it is. But the reward are immense once both parties accept the new reality.

You have, by now, a very good picture of where things are and it's going to be a tough time ahead as your partner has to get over this hump and come clean. 

Only from then can you move forwards. 

Make sure you protect your finances, don't have a joint account; make sure your finances and bank account is fully ringfenced.  Don't let your bank account be used to gamble online. Check your own bank statements. Even for small amounts. 

Your partner isn't a 'bad' person. Nor am I. But, when controlled by the gambling devil, we're the worst. Hence why you both need very careful attention to make sure we stay on the much happier straight and narrow.

It's the only way.

I hope this helps, I realise I'm just repeating some of the excellent advice you've received so far, but it's another hopefully useful view.

Hi

thanks for taking the time to read through all of this, it means a lot that there are people out there willing to listen and put in their own input. 

he has definitely done the 5 year ban he was sat beside me doing it, and some other app I can’t remember the name of it now, as an extra security to stop him being able to bet online. 

You mentioned about all the transactions about how much and in how many days. When he did show me his banking it was literally all bet after bet after bet I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. As I kept scrolling further into it he stopped me and told me he only started betting again in November which I don’t believe for a minute is true, or he would have allowed me to keep looking. 

I have told him what’s in the past is staying in the past whether he’s been betting from the very first time I caught him or whether he did stop for so long. I want to look to the future and get through this together. So yea I don’t think he has ever stopped and I think he is embarrassed and ashamed of all of it. 

even though he isn’t willing to give me his online banking details he is still willing to show me his account when I ask him too, so to me (correct me if I’m wrong) is that he his hiding a lot of bets & loans that’s he taken out but like I say is ashamed. 

he knows I’m now the one picking up the pieces and having to pay for bills etc and now getting into my overdraft, I do have savings but I don’t want to put my hand in them to clear his mess. He can see the pain he has caused me and the stress and worry of it all and he is showing emotion for that. 

he has told me that when betting shops open again he will go in with me and ban him self from them, is that possible? 

he doesn’t want to loose me and the kids and I don’t want to loose him but that’s what it will all come down to if he ever relapses. I know I should be there to support him and after years of lies I can’t take anymore. He has never done anything to ever stop his problem and he has never called it a problem until now. So I think, I hope that now this time around is different things might change. But I will always think years down the line is he still betting? I’ve said to him even if 5/10 years go by and I ask him to show me his bank every now and again is that going to be a problem he has told me no, but I find that hard to believe. 

there is always chance of relapse no matter the addiction is it’s whether the person is mentally and physically strong enough to say no! 

A lot of his friends bet but not to the extent he does, I think when he has got this under control he should tell him friends and family what has been happening so they don’t mention betting around him or maybe help him through it too. Did you tell your friends and family immediately? How did you feel when/if they know?   

sorry for rambling on, well done on being gamble free your wife must be so proud and relieved. I’m glad you had someone to stick by your side throughout it all