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Did I do the right thing?

 
I left
(@i-left)

So I met my now ex partner in February 2021. He has two children with his ex partner and I have a child too. Everything was going really well, it was almost too good to be true. In March 2021 L told me that he had a gambling addiction. It took him a while to tell me because he was worried I would leave. He told me he was on gamstop and has overcome his addiction. I feel in love with this man very quickly, not only was he kind and caring but he was also very good at making me feel good about myself. I didn’t really know much about gambling at the time and I thought he was being completely honest about being clean.

 

Fast forward to June of 2021, I fell pregnant and had some bleeding so went for a private scan to confirm I had lost the baby. He was super super supportive, couldn’t have asked him to change anything. Until the miscarriage was nearly over, he turned. We had a row ( I can’t even remember what it was about) and he left. Things then went sour. He asked me when I was crying on the sofa if I had anything to do with the miscarriage. I knew I should have left then but I couldnt. I thought it might have been the grief talking. 

 

I stayed with him but our relationship was very very rocky. He would go days without speaking to me, he would block me, sleep in his car etc. We were staying with a family member at the point, he has an iva and it is incredibly difficult to find a house. Until around October time we found one, L was completely honest with the landlord about his iva. So the landlord was willing to give him a chance. However, a few weeks down the line he gambled away 2 lots of deposits. 

We spilt again, it was always me splitting up with him because he would block me etc. Then November 29th I found out I was pregnant, waited a little while and we began sorting things out. Until I had a private scan at 8 weeks, to find out our baby had no heartbeat. I cried and cried and thought to myself how this could be happening again. 

This is when I saw Ls true colours. We had another row (I’m not innocent in the slightest and can give as good as I get) but nothing justifies for the second time he accusing me of causing this miscarriage. I was and still am so so shocked how this kind and gentle man could say such a thing. It came to Christmas time and he started asking for money saying he needs to escape the thoughts in his head. I stupidly gave in, then he promised that he would stop on the 31st of December 2021 and go into 2022 gambling free. He did well, up until a few days ago. He messaged asking me for more money but I was so hurt by the broken promise that I didn’t give him any money straight away. Until he turned on me, I was prewarned about this but genuinely thought he was over it. The manipulation and threats to unalive himself started, blocking me and not talking to me unless he wanted money.

 

He has rinsed his families savings, has put him and the mother of his children in over £30,000 worth of debt (hence the iva) He didn’t even have a bank account for a while and searched for months for one. He finally found one which was the worst thing that could have happened. 

January 2022 I saw the man I loved and wanted a future with turn into a complete monster. I was and still am pregnant (missed miscarriage under expectant management) and he’s not once checked up on me for updates, I’ve offered and asked him if he wants updates but he refuses. I understand this could be him grieving.

He’s opened gambling accounts in his family members names including their addresses. He opened an account in his ex partners mums name. No doubt he’s opened one using my details too.

10th of January 2022 he threatened to get my 18 month old son taken off me. I caved and gave him the last of my money. By this point I have been speaking to his family about EVERYTHING. The second he threatened what he did, I ended things.

They are all extremely supportive of me and check up on me. I update them and they update me. I have no found out he has been sacked so he is now homeless, single, jobless, has no money, no car and eventually no phone. Surely this is rock bottom now. 

I am so devastated that things have taken the turn they have but I have to protect myself but most importantly I have to protect my son. 

how this monster has managed to hide his true colours for nearly 11 months is beyond me. 

Also forgot to mention that along with the threats to unalive himself, he’s also said he’s going to go rob someone. This man has sold pictures of himself (Privates) he’s sold cars, TVs, anything you can think of he’s sold it.

 

I feel extremely guilty for walking away but he has affected my mental health beyond another level. I miss my L, the old version of him. I’d do anything to make him realise he needs professional help and have tried everything. This has gone on since he was 16, he’s 26 this year. 

I’m sorry for the long post and Thankyou to anyone who reads it. I always find reaching out to others helps me to calm my anxiety. I’ve never been an anxious person until I met him, now I have panic attacks and constant nightmares. 

Have I done the right thing? I mean I think I have but I just need some reassurance 

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Topic starter Posted : 12th January 2022 11:59 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear  Jessarcherx37,

Thank you for joining the GamCare forum and sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through hell and now you're prioritising your own safety and peace of mind and that of your child.

We are sure that other forum users will soon respond with their support, but in the meantime please have a look at the following information from domestic abuse charities, about recognising different forms of abusive behaviour.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

https://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/recognising-abuse/  

If your partner has suicidal feelings he can get support from his GP, NHS mental health services or charities such as Samaritans on 116 123. If you think he is at risk of harm and if he won't seek help himself or if you feel it is safest not to engage with him, you can pass on your concerns about suicidality to his GP. They cannot discuss his situation with you but they can note your concerns. 

At all times you need to consider your own peace of mind and that of your child. You're having panic attacks and nightmares. Are you getting any mental health support for yourself? Are you getting support around your pregnancy?

If you haven't already, please do give us a call on the National Gambling Helpline 0808 8020 133 or by Livechat. We're here 24/7. 

Best wishes, and keep posting,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th January 2022 5:35 pm
beaver
(@beaver)

Yes, as a struggling gambling addict myself, even I think you have done the right thing for now. He needs professional help and unless he gets it will only get worse and you need to protect yourself and children. Perhaps you should try getting support yourself? There are charities and counsellors who help people who are victims of a gambling addict and perhaps they can help you too.

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Posted : 12th January 2022 5:44 pm
I left
(@i-left)

Thankyou B 

Ive been feeling super guilty for leaving but am comforted in your reply. I am speaking with Recovery4all and will have my first appointment soon hopefully. I hope he gets the professional help he needs. He has now moved back in with his ex whilst I’m sat here miscarrying his child. The hatred I have for this man, no words could fathom. For him to change like this when I needed him the most has knocked me sick but I’m glad I’m strong enough to leave before it gets even worse 

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 12th January 2022 7:11 pm
I left
(@i-left)
Posted by: Forum admin

Dear  Jessarcherx37,

Thank you for joining the GamCare forum and sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through hell and now you're prioritising your own safety and peace of mind and that of your child.

We are sure that other forum users will soon respond with their support, but in the meantime please have a look at the following information from domestic abuse charities, about recognising different forms of abusive behaviour.

removed link

removed link  

If your partner has suicidal feelings he can get support from his GP, NHS mental health services or charities such as Samaritans on 116 123. If you think he is at risk of harm and if he won't seek help himself or if you feel it is safest not to engage with him, you can pass on your concerns about suicidality to his GP. They cannot discuss his situation with you but they can note your concerns. 

At all times you need to consider your own peace of mind and that of your child. You're having panic attacks and nightmares. Are you getting any mental health support for yourself? Are you getting support around your pregnancy?

If you haven't already, please do give us a call on the National Gambling Helpline 0808 8020 133 or by Livechat. We're here 24 removed link  

Best wishes, and keep posting,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

Thankyou so much for your reply. It’s shocked me slightly with the links to domestic abuse charities but maybe I’m still blind to it. He is no longer my partner and I’m glad I realised before it was too late. I’m a mixture of emotions right now but my son is my main priority now 

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 12th January 2022 7:18 pm
andywilliams1187
(@andywilliams1187)

Yes you have done the right thing. The relationship is very destructive and it is not good to be in that position. 

It sounds like you have been through a rollercoaster but admit that you give as good as you get; compulisve gamblers (like me) will often find ways to deflect and not take responsibility for their actions. The digs your partner has had over the miscarriages etc. are a way of him venting his anger but also deflecting on to you; if you feel bad then maybe you won't question him about gambling...... it's a really low tactic but it takes the spotlight off his actions. 

Let's be honest and look at what you have written; it does not lread like your partner has finally hit rock bottom yet as he is still finding ways to gamble and rinsed through his families savings. There comes a point when you have to walk away and follow it through. It is hard, but if you keep getting back together after these rows then the next time it happens, he knows he can just walk straight back into your life. Your priority now should be yourself and your child; you have been through a lot and you can't be expected to carry the weight of the miscarriages, look after yourself, your child and deal with a compulsive gambler who does not appear to be showing you the respect you deserve. 

The fact he has now gone back to his ex kind of shows you how little respect he has for the situation he is in

Don't forget that domestic abuse does not just relate to physical contact - constant arguing, controlling behaviour etc. can be worse than physical abuse as they don't have any obvious signs. If you feel you need to talk to someone, there are lots of helpful charities who will listen to your story and provide you with a strong support network. 

Just be strong - in the next couple of weeks when he contacts you by phone (or comes knocking on the door), just tell him to f***f all you will call the police. Don't get drawn into a conversation, especially if he can say the right words and cham himself back into your life as you are opening yourself up to be stuck in a vicious circle of events. 

Finally, well done for walking away. Takes a lot of courage to do that. 

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Posted : 13th January 2022 7:36 am
I left
(@i-left)

Thankyou so much for your comment Andy. 

I most definitely will not be taking him back. I have read so many horrors stories about gambling addicts now and much as it’s an illness, I do not have the strength to carry him any longer. I feel completely guilty for walking away but the affect it was having on my mental health was too much to bare. Nightmares, panic attacks and walking round with the most horrific anxiety is not a life I want to live anymore. I struggle to sleep at night and am shattered throughout the day but I have to keep going for my son. I have contacted two charities so I can recognise the cycles of abuse, as much as I feel a weight has lifted off my shoulders, I feel if he was to come back being the old version I knew of him that I’d cave in. So without learning the cycles and learning that it probably won’t get better I feel weak. But I’m taking it hour by hour. Every notification I get my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach with anxiety thinking it’s him so I’ve had to switch my notifications off. 

Thankyou for sharing your comment with me, it means a lot and I hope in time things will get easier for me.

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Topic starter Posted : 13th January 2022 11:18 am
JohnMac
(@johnmac)

I agree your situation was not good, and something you had to avoid.

Though I have to add it sounds like there was more than just simply gambling involved. Sounds like some far deeper and more complicated issues to me.

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Posted : 14th January 2022 1:21 am
andywilliams1187
(@andywilliams1187)

No problem - just wanted to offer an outsiders view. I will be honest, i used to twist every situation i could if it meant that it would prevent the Mrs focusing on what (or in most cases, was not) in the bank account. Not proud of my actions in the past, but I have learned from it. 

It is important to understand the cycles, in its simplest form it normally goes: smooth talk your way back in, promise it won't happen again, honeymoon period where eveything is great, cracks develop, arguments start (followed by abuse and leaving). Rinse and repeat. The cycles can take place over a few hours or a few weeks/months. Often people don't realise they are trapped until they get a bit of perspecitve and can see the bigger picture of what has happened. 

Stay strong and don't hesitate to reach out if you need help or advice. Either to professional helplines or post in here and someone will advise. 

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Posted : 14th January 2022 1:53 pm
I left
(@i-left)
Posted by: JohnMac

I agree your situation was not good, and something you had to avoid.

Though I have to add it sounds like there was more than just simply gambling involved. Sounds like some far deeper and more complicated issues to me.

Thankyou for your comment, it means a lot! 

do you mean within our relationship? Or something to do with him? 

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 14th January 2022 6:33 pm
I left
(@i-left)
Posted by: andywilliams1187

No problem - just wanted to offer an outsiders view. I will be honest, i used to twist every situation i could if it meant that it would prevent the Mrs focusing on what (or in most cases, was not) in the bank account. Not proud of my actions in the past, but I have learned from it. 

It is important to understand the cycles, in its simplest form it normally goes: smooth talk your way back in, promise it won't happen again, honeymoon period where eveything is great, cracks develop, arguments start (followed by abuse and leaving). Rinse and repeat. The cycles can take place over a few hours or a few weeks/months. Often people don't realise they are trapped until they get a bit of perspecitve and can see the bigger picture of what has happened. 

Stay strong and don't hesitate to reach out if you need help or advice. Either to professional helplines or post in here and someone will advise. 

Thankyou again for your reply! Looking back at it now, there was obvious red flags and I think when he realised that he had me under his thumb that’s when thinks got dangerous. 

Im glad I left when I did because it would have only gotten worse. Although sometimes I get that horrible sinking feeling within my heart but I’ve learnt how to pull myself back together. It’s going to be a long road of working on myself but he was becoming a danger to my child and my mental health. I wish I had left sooner but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger as they say lol. 

i do truly wish him the best and hope he gets help but I don’t think that will happen. He’s***t rock bottom multiple times and still hasn’t even admitted to having a problem apart from when it was the same old “Can I have another £100 and I promise it will be the last time and I will get help” never happened though. Scary to think how far it would have gone had I not recognised it sooner

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Topic starter Posted : 14th January 2022 6:39 pm
JohnMac
(@johnmac)

@i-left Hi,

I wouldn't want to say exactly, as I don't know you or your situation personally or fully of course.

But, it did seem like there were some either personality or relationship issues that were causing great problems - of course gambling wouldn't help it, but just might not be the central problem, that's all I meant to say.

Hope that can help at all.

John.

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Posted : 18th January 2022 6:44 pm
I left
(@i-left)
Posted by: @johnmac

@i-left Hi,

I wouldn't want to say exactly, as I don't know you or your situation personally or fully of course.

But, it did seem like there were some either personality or relationship issues that were causing great problems - of course gambling wouldn't help it, but just might not be the central problem, that's all I meant to say.

Hope that can help at all.

John.

Thankyou for your reply again. Yeah he was extremely paranoid and constantly accusing me of doing things behind his back 

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Topic starter Posted : 19th January 2022 9:42 am
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