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devastated

 
hannah2023
(@sellie2023)

I  feel so low . My husband  of 6 years has decided to end the marriage. He has said he will stay in the home until next year June when i finish my course . It is so hard to be under the same roof as he is sleeping on the couch and acting single.He has been gambling for the greater  part of our marriage . I have bailed him out so many times  amd paid off his debts. in December ,i got worried that  if at all we died there would be no inheritance for the children. I decided to keep the money and not enable the habit. I decided to take care of all the bills so that at least if he gambled it would be from his salary only unlike before. He did not take it well at all. He looks at me with disgust and anger . I am heartbroken  that this has come to an end. I feel i have been misunderstood. He currently spends  almost his salary on gambling. He blames me for not making progress and not listening to some of his financial decisions. I strongly feel the marriage could have worked  if gambling was not in the picture. I am soon to be a single parent with 3 children. I do not know where to start. He is a good father ro the children which will be a gap i could never fill. I am scared of the unknown . He does not think  he has a gambling problem . He is on betting site for sports day and night . I would like words of comfort . I feel like a failure that i have not managed to keep my marriage yet i dont know what else what i could have done or what to do now? 

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Topic starter Posted : 4th July 2022 10:48 pm
Gerard G
(@gerard-g)

Good heavens, you are in a very difficult situation and in my opinion it is not your fault at all. He is the one with the problem and you have suffered because of it. If he is unwilling to change, you have to brace yourself to be without him. It won't be easy to be single but there doesn't seem to be much choice. The only possible hope I can see is if you can somehow convince him to admit that he needs to stop gambling and seek treatment to recover and make some plans to build a future without gambing. 

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Posted : 5th July 2022 1:52 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hello Hannah2023

I am so pleased that you have found us and have reached out for help and support.  Please know that you are not alone and with support you can get through this.

Problem gambling is cunning, powerful and baffling and has a detrimental impact on not only the problem gambler, but on everyone close.

Your Husband is pointing the finger of blame as he is unable, at this stage,  to look at himself.  

Along with our Forum we have Advisers available 24/7 to help you through this.  You can contact an Adviser by calling our Helpline on 0800 8020 133 or using our LiveChat option.  I encourage you to contact us so we can discuss the best way to move forward in your life.

Gam-Anon

I would also strongly recommend you have a look on the https://www.gam-anon.org   This is a website specifically for friends and families of people who are affected by problem gamblers. There is all manner of support on there for people who are and who have gone through the same experiences and many find this peer-to-peer support incredibly helpful.

Please continue to use the Forum where you will find connections, support and understanding.

Best

Amanda

Forum Admin.

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Posted : 5th July 2022 2:14 am
Cornishgamer
(@cornishgamer)

you are in a difficult place. Being single with 3 kids wont be easy unless he wakes up and admits that he has a problem. 

i almost lost my marriage last week because of my gambling but after finding this site and the help that i needed i feel now like im on the right track to kick this habit and lead a better life for me and my family. im not out of the woods yet but theres someone here 24/7 to help you, if you choose to use it, and they will give you all the help and guidance you need to help you through it.

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Posted : 5th July 2022 9:07 am
Radio58
(@radio58)

You will cope it sounds like you have been coping for years.  
It’s a shame he is still blaming you but it is unsurprising.  Because the only person your husband is concerned about is himself.  Please be kind to yourself none of this is your fault at all!!

he is the architect of his own downfall.

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Posted : 5th July 2022 8:27 pm
GREG
 GREG
(@gdiddycourogen)

Your story tugs at my heart.  You are a compassionate soul who d serves to be treated with respect. I only dream of my wife having given me that chance before we got divorced.  I would have quit in a heartbeat.  She is not as giving and understanding as you.  If he is still in denial, you have to do what’s best for you and your children.  
     He needs to quit for himself…or it won’t happen.  You can’t convince him…and it’s not your job to do so.  
If I could talk to him I would tell him that one day he will look back and kick himself (or bawl like I do) knowing how that money could have enriched the life experiences of his children.  Vacations, gifts, clothing…and perhaps above all their education!!! I would tell him that it seems so easy to talk divorce…until you are sitting in an empty house and you can’t hear the sweet voices of your children or watch them play in the yard.  He has a disease…the same as me.  I would never expect my wife to be able to cure me of such a thing.  If he doesn’t think he is sick…then it may take rock bottom.  Don’t let him drag you and your kids down with him.  You can do it!  Be strong.  It is his loss.  You will find your way.  I so hope he comes around.  
Take care,

Greg
pS…. Not to mention the lost time with his kids while he obsesses on the sports lines and matches.  Oh to have that time back.  I would let them take one of my arms off if I could have that time and money back.  With all due respect to anyone actually living with one arm instead of two…it wouldn’t take me two seconds to decide to let them do it.

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Posted : 6th July 2022 12:11 am
hannah2023
(@sellie2023)

@gdiddycourogen thank you for your response .sometimes i feel like am having a nightmare that just wont end. I feel for my children , particularly my 1 year old son. They say take one day at a time yet sometimes i have begged God to help me get through just an hour and then the next one .Its a lot hard to be a greaat mum when you are a wounded soldier.

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Topic starter Posted : 6th July 2022 7:04 am
hannah2023
(@sellie2023)

Thank you all for your messages and kind words. I literally kept re reading them to uplift myself. I have managed to hide  my pain away from my children and they have no idea their dad will leave. I feel like a duck that is gracefully floating on water yet frantically pedaling under the water. stay well . 

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Topic starter Posted : 6th July 2022 7:08 am
GREG
 GREG
(@gdiddycourogen)

I am so pleased to know that my message was a help in any way.  Tell him what I said.  Gambling will always be there.  In my opinion,Your relationship needs to be the center of your family.  A wise woman once said, “It is always better to have a child come from a broken home, than it is to have her live in one.”  I am certainly not saying that your home is broken.  I don’t know well enough.  Two things he should know that is certain…. That any money lost will NEVER come back.  And that his children WILL ONLY BE YOUNG ONCE! (and 1 year-olds are so amazing and fun to be around!  If I could go back I would never leave their side and soak up every single second).  He doesn’t want to live with regret over those two things.  Trust me, I know firsthand.  I never gambled a day in my life until I was 40.   Looking back it was probably the stress of my young family (and some of it I know now was an undiagnosed mental health condition) that drove me to look for that escape. Between the ages of 40 and 50 gambling shredded my life. Now I use exercise, visiting with friends and family and getting out in nature to release those same endorphins.  If telling him all of these things doesn’t jolt him into taking action, you need to get some space and take care of your children first.  I applaud you for taking the financial steps that you have and for putting your children first.  Keep your head up and trust that your efforts are amazing (as are you)!

Greg

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Posted : 6th July 2022 2:29 pm
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