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Confused! Help please  

 
K__n2019
(@k__n2019)

So this is a bit of a long one...

me and my (ex) partner have been together for 13 years, we had a little girl last Jan. 

i found out he had been gambling at this time (just after we had her, her sister told me all), her and her mum had take out loans to help repay debts for him. He lost his job, and had changed jobs without telling me, and that he was gambling. 

I confronted him, he still denied it, even though I knew. Eventually he admitted he had changed jobs and was gambling. (This is all a bit of a daze as we had a newborn and sleep deprivation) once I found out so did his Dad, his Dad agreed to take on his bank account and help control finances. It worked well until my (now ex) partner told his Dad I wasn’t happy and I was going to take over his account (which was not true). Anyways it allowed him to gamble. (Roulettes is his thing, online & casino).

Fast forward to a few months ago, we’be been arguing as we kept getting bills through the door (even though I believed his Dad had bailed him out, he also told me he’s stopped gambling?) anyways we’d been arguing, only about finances, he promised he would sit and work face companies together and see what we would be facing..., this never happened, and would always turn into a row.

meanwhile he took on a night job, as was literally working day and night, with a few hours sleep here and there (ridiculous I know but I couldn’t stop him). Anyways each time he got paid he’d have no money... he’d swear he wasn’t gambling, and still does? 

Which leads us to today, he broke up with me nearly 3 weeks ago, he’s says he is no longer in love with me? It’s all come out of the blue. Only a month ago we was on holiday (that yet again I paid for), but everything was totally fine. If I ask him why we broke up he either says I don’t feel like that anymore or he is no longer in love with me? But I am just at a total loss with all this, we have an 18month old, he’s a brilliant dad, we had a really good relationship other than his financial problems. 

I don’t really know what my question is here (and I’m sorry it’s a bit of a waffle) but I’d just like support and perhaps someone else is going through similar? 

I should probably add, he quit his very successful day job to work nights stacking shelves, he now lives at his mums, he walks to work as he can’t afford a car for now . (He walks miles each day), he has distanced himself from friends and some family., but does still want to see our daughter. 

I just feel a bit lost... and struggling to move on, when I stuck by him through everything, and he will not even try...counselling or even have a date night together. 

 

(Sorry it’s all a bit scatty, but that’s my brain right now😏) 

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Posted : 22nd August 2019 5:20 pm
Davro1
(@davro1)

Have put my partner though the same thing, I always stress her out, if she gets a whiff of me gambling. As a gambler we can be very insane with it, with me last year I lost 22 thousand in 3 mths and ruined xmas the lot I have taken steps to stop, but seems to find me, I regesterd on gam stop that supposedly prevents you from going on on line casinos, but a few days ago on the 15th of August, I managed to obtaining account with an online casino after getting a pop-up offering me free money to join I just went on it thinking in my head I won't be able to anyway because of gamstop but due to change of account details I was was able to gain an account with them, and subsequently lost £4,600 it just over an hour,, I have complained to gamstop I said I escape through the net. Bug net ah,, lots of holes in..anyway could be he really needs to loose everything before he see sence, but haven't worked for me. Am currently trying a new strategy, telling myself I have an allergic reactions gambling like a nut allergy or something, has work so far the rest of this week anyway, believe it or not could be a wose situation.. he could have been a heroin addict and impacting on his health and body,, is only money I know the world only revolves around it but it's not but, this could be worse. Make him aware of the help that is available and keep reminding him with text messages Maybe that will help and let him know, that's nice shame or stigma going on trying to get help with gambling.. best wishes 

This post was modified 3 weeks ago by Forum admin
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Posted : 22nd August 2019 10:55 pm
Davro1
(@davro1)

 P.s Sorry about the spelling errors, try making him understand.he has to admit to being powerless over it. And completely admit to himself he is a gambling addict. That's the first step to gaining self control over it and like I said maybe looking up ga meetings in your area, were he will see though other peoples stories hes not alone.. because there no feeling worse when you have lost all your money to feel alone, be supportive if and when you can.. all the best

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Posted : 22nd August 2019 11:15 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi confused, the best thing to do is concentrate on yourself. Don't believe what he's says. Don't keep secrets for him. Family getting loans and paying off his debts is enabling him, let's him get more credit and frees him of responsibility . Stop worrying about him. He's in full addiction mode. You know he's gambling and lying to everyone about it. Look after you and your child. Don't give him money. Separate yourself financially. Do you want this forever? He's in complete denial and still gambling so it's going to be a while before he stops. 

You don't stop loving that person overnight but realistically it's not a healthy equal relationship. Find a gamanon meeting and get support. Talk to his family directly, not through him. You can't stop him. Nothing you say or do will have any affect until he chooses to stop. This is a lifetime addiction. Put yourself first.

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Posted : 23rd August 2019 8:14 am
K__n2019
(@k__n2019)

Thank you for your replies.

its so difficult because I wish he could just see the light and get help. He seems to be punishing himself by moving out of our family home, he was always a hands on dad, did bedtime routine every night, loves our daughter more than anything.

or perhaps it’s just me, and he genuinely doesn’t want to be with my anymore? 

I know I must focus on myself and try to move on or at least stop thinking of him, but because we have a young daughter we speak about her most days, and see each other every other day. 

I honestly also think he might now be depressed, but is just in denial about everything.

ive also since learnt he met another girl and felt he could talk with her about everything, he swears it was nothing but I know they’ve kissed 😫 he says he barely talks to her now, but I don’t know what to believe. 

Hes just a totally changed man, how’s friends and family tell me they no longer recognise him.

bis friend tried to get him a really good job to help support him, but even that he seems not bothered to turn up . Saying he can’t get there due to no car/unable to afford it.

i actually feel rubbish and keep replaying everything over and over in my head :(!  

ReplyQuote
Posted : 23rd August 2019 12:40 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hello K__n2019,

It sounds like you are having a very painful time getting your head around your ex-partner's behaviour.  We could offer you free counselling appointments locally, if you'd like to talk about it all in more depth.  You can call us on 0808 8020 133 or on our netline, then we will be able to help you to access more support, either locally or by telephone or online, depending on your preference.

Take care,

Forum admin.

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Posted : 23rd August 2019 10:08 pm
gettingnervous
(@gettingnervous)

 

 

Reading your post made my stomach crunch. I was in the exact same situation a couple of weeks ago. I was dumped out of the blue after 7 years together and 2 children. I posted here asking for advice- the consensus seemed to be that it had nothing to do with me. It was the addiction taking over once more. Sure enough, I’ve found out yesterday that he’s had a huge relapse. I don’t even think he ever stopped, like he made me believe. I’m sure he gambled the day that both our daughters were born. So please don’t blame yourself for anything: he’s not going to care about you because his only interest is gambling. Move on sooner rather than later (I lost some precious years trying to be by his side during his recovery) and most importantly, protect yourself and your daughter. Sorry the reality is harsh, but don’t fool yourself 

This post was modified 3 weeks ago by Forum admin
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Posted : 27th August 2019 9:09 pm
K__n2019
(@k__n2019)

Hi Getting nervous 

Thank you so much for your reply, and although it hurts, I am trying to slowly move on and not look back 🙁 

I believe you’re right and that he is still gambling. 

I just wish I could get the truth out of him, but I don’t think I will ever get that, or not for a very very long time.

Even after he broke it up with me, a week later he was asking to borrow money 🤦🏻‍♀️.

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Posted : 31st August 2019 9:17 am
gettingnervous
(@gettingnervous)

Tonight Im consumed by the idea of asking my ex to admit that he’s been gambling throughout our 7 years relationship. So I can get closure and get over the feeling  that I’ve been “cheated on” and lied to for all these years.  Like you say, I’ll never get the truth out of him. So it’s pointless to even try. 

As partners who still have feelings for them, we’d like them to show remorse, or that they care, or that they are sorry..

but as long as they remain CGs we’ll never be their priority. 

Very sad but unfortunately true

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th September 2019 9:37 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hi gettingnervous,

We are here to listen if you need us , via our helpline and Netline, feel free to contact us for a 1 to 1 chat pre or post talking to your partner. We support you and your partner.

Take care of yourself,

Forum Admin 

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Posted : 9th September 2019 10:47 am
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