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Can't fight the anger

 
Gamblerswife1789
(@gamblerswife1789)

Hello,

For our whole 5 year relationship my husband has been an out of control gambler and has massively impacted my life. 

The last time I found out was the final straw, he got help or I took our kids and left. He has been amazing this time around and I truly believe he isnt gambling and doing everything possible to keep it that way.

The more time goes on the stronger he gets but the more angry I become, its killing me! We talk about it so openly, I've done research, we told family, I just can't stop being so so angry.

I want to get past this, in my heart I have forgiven him. I feel so trapped in this bubble and can't see a way out, time doesn't seem to be a healer for me. I'm hurting him and that's the last thing I want to do, I want to be his support 100% but I'm struggling. 

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 24th May 2022 1:18 am
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hello GW1789 and Welcome

The real difficulty with this addiction is that you must look after yourself while dealing with the feelings of wanting to help.

It's not your fault and it's your choice...... your decision. There is no shame in your feelings which will eat you up unless you seek support to find some peace of mind.

The trusted advice is that you can only help from a position of strength when you feel strong and calmer. So you protect yourself financially and some distance is not a bad thing

It's a drug addiction more than anything. He is an ill person trying to get better rather than a bad person trying to be good.

The goal for you is letting the anger go. How you do that is your choice whether you walk away or choose to help him. We understand the pain but I repeat that its not your fault. I understand your decision whatever that is

You can learn more about this addiction if you wish and I will be honest that you have a job in monitoring his recovery. However that work Is not over hard when you have been advised what to do and want to help him

Forget the trust.....he doesn't need your trust.....he needs your love and understanding about gambling addiction.You give him no money and all money must be controlled by you!

You can both never be complacent about this powerful addiction again. We don't know your relationship but I like to think he has some hope of your support

There is no shame in giving him the REALITY that your relationship is at risk if he doesn't put his heart into recovery

We wish you all the best and the forum is always here for you

This post was modified 1 month ago by Joydivider
ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th May 2022 11:22 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

In time I started to understand what my anger was.

It was an unhealthy reactions to my pains not healed.

It was an unhealthy reactions to my fears not reduced.

It was an unhealthy reactions to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations that I could not control.

I am the compulsive gambler who made promises I could not keep.

I was compulsive gambler who was so emotionally vulnerable who would run away in my fears.

I was compulsive gambler who could not be honest with other people untill I got honest with myself.

In time I handed over over all of my finances.

I could not trust myself with money.

Each day my wife would give me enough money for snacks and things.

In time I learned to value money.

I needed to learn what my emotional triggers were.

For a partner going to Gamanon helps living with an addict.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling and living in pain and fears. 

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 
ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th May 2022 4:46 pm
Jess27
(@jess27)

Hello @gamblerswife1789

I understand where you are coming from as I feel the same at times. 

My husband gambled for 15 years of our 25 year marriage without me knowing.  (Looking back I can't believe how naive I was.)  He has stopped and I fully support him in his recovery, but I still go through periods of feeling really angry.  I feel angry about the money and opportunities lost and the experiences the we, and more importantly, the children could have had. I have quite a demanding, stressful job, and at times it infuriates me to think that chunks of my salary were wasted on gambling.

I know my husband feels ashamed and full of regret, and most of the time I put it behind me and try to focus on the future, but then sometimes it hits me over again.

It does get easier in time. Does it help you to talk to him about it? Have you ever considered counselling to work your way through it? I think there may be access to counselling through Gamcare for you both. 

It is hard. Gambling has such a huge impact on family members.  

J

ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th May 2022 1:06 pm
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