Advice please, I don’t know what to do.
I was with my boyfriend for about 10 months, at which point he was gambling but I never knew, he just never had any money. We split up mostly due to his lies and were apart for 2 years.
He attended GA and had stopped Gambling altogether for over 2 years.
We’ve been back together for 10 months and recently he’s had health issues which have meant he’s been off work and pretty depressed.
I saw the w**********l app on his phone and confronted him at which point he made up some excuse about wanting to check prices for a football game. I knew he was lying so when he was sleeping I checked his phone and discovered through his w**********l history that he’d bet around £1000 in 10 days.
I was so hurt, mostly at how easily he could lie to me but also because he’s able to throw that much money away just before Christmas.
When I confronted him he got really defensive, saying he hadn’t done anything wrong and it’s his money anyway, which it is. I’ve asked if he’s going to go back to GA and he says he’s embarrassed which I do understand but I don’t believe it’ll stop if he doesn’t face up to it.
He has apologised but I had to drag it out of him and he’s been really hurtful turning a lot round and blaming me - he’s angry I looked at his phone and says he can’t trust me but he seems so unable to take responsibility for his actions - if he hadn’t lied in the first place I wouldn’t have checked his phone.
I don’t know where the line is. Do I stay and help him through it or will this just keep happening over and over again? I understand it’s an addiction but I need him to acknowledge the problem and do something about it and be able to own his own mistakes and apologise without blaming me.
I know no one can tell me what to do but any advice from anyone who’s been in this position would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Isla,
My partner is a gambler, well, in recovery. We live together and he handed over his finances to me when he came clean about his problem, around 4 months ago. He is living now in a small allowance. I have also access to his emails, and bank account.
I understand how you feel at the moment. He shouldn't blame you for looking into his phone, it's normal since you don't trust him,and of course he got defensive and blaming you because he knows he did something wrong and he tries to hide it. This is what gamblers do. This addiction is fed from lies,secrets and deceit.
You are right. No one can tell you what to do. Every person, and every relationship is different. My advice would be to take some time and think about the situation. Then try to have a honest conversation with your partner,see if he is willing to deal with this and start again with his recovery. Only time will tell. But keep in mind that if you stay with him, this is possible to happen again.
You are not alone here.
Wish you best of luck
Helen
he has a gambling problem , please prepare to distance yourself from him both financially and emotionally because he will do serious damage otherwise
do not give him money and do not enable him to gamble .....you cannot make him stop but you can give him an ultimatium you or the gambling
Hi Isla
I’m a gambler and What you describe is similar to what I have put my wife through for the last 10 years, except I have never gone defensive and put the blame on her.
I have lied hundreds of times over the years to my wife to try hide what I had done, at first I lied to hide it so I could continue to bet but over the past few years I have genuinely lied to hide the fact I had gambled because I didn’t want to break her heart again because I’ve seen way too many times how much pain it’s caused.
My biggest concern for you is that from what you say, rather than accepting responsibility of what he’s done he’s blaming others, that’s something I have never done as I have felt nothing but guilt for the pain I have caused yet again.
i understand your partner is nervous about going back to GA, I have gone back many times with my head hanging in shame but this is a group of people who are or have been there and done what he’s done, they will welcome him back with open arms.
i understand the lies hurt more than anything, my wife always said it’s the lies that hurt the most and she doesn’t understand how I can lie like that to someone I’m supposed to love, but gambling and lies come hand in hand, I’ve never purposely done anything to hurt my wife but from my experience there’s me and there’s gambling me, me loves life and those closest to me more than anything. Gambling me doesn’t even have a second thought about anyone. Gambling me has had me losing those I love most and living in a box room at my parents while trying to slowly gain trust back from my wife I’m the hope I can be the husband I should of always been.
tell your partner to get help before he loses everything like myself and many others already have.
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