Hi
I’m new to all this.
I’m hoping for advice as I feel I’ve nowhere to turn.
So I’ve been with my Partner now nearly 3years. And it only come to light lastyear April-May time. So early into covid lockdown.
How I come to find out due to his behaviour being odd, moodswings, quite nasty at times with what he’d say.
which I found out of character as the two years prior he’s been a top chilled fella.
so after me constantly asking what was wrong as he was acting oddly he actually text me whilst at work saying “you’re going to kill me, I’ve done something bad”….
which I replied “How bad”
I received “I’ve lost all my money”
I asked how, as there was a lot of scams etc, and he came back with “I’ve gambled it all”
I kept cool, understanding and told him that we will fix it etc. I helped pay his direct debits etc. Aswell as cancel a few things, I helped him manage it.
few months went by and he was doing great, he then gets in contact with old friends. (They’re Also gamblers)
Since September lastyear, he’s done nothing but lie, be sly, always in a rush to get out to the pub. He’s too wrapped up, him and his friends have a WhatsApp group. They talk about the next bet, money.
I’ve asked him about his addiction and he says I’m stupid. He says I need to change my ways.
His behaviour is awful towards me, I’ve been so understanding and always said “We will fix it”.
I’ve told him how it makes me feel, and he thinks I’m being “Stupid”.
I really am low as I feel like it’s a never ending battle. One minute he’s fine with me and the next he’s awful.
I really feel like I’m treading on egg shells.
And I really feel like I’ve lost my best friend, we made life plans and atm we’re just not on the same path.
I really don’t know how to persuade him to get help, he avoids whatever I have to say when it comes to us, or money.
I’ve probably forgot a few things, I just really can’t think. I’m just so upset and exhausted.
Any advice would be great.
thankyou xx
Hello L-Jay
I am so pleased that you have found and posted on our Forum. Please know that you are not alone.
Unfortunately, your boyfriend didn't get the help and support needed to continue his path, gamble free after you helped him to 'fix it'. Due to the fact problem gambling centres in the mind and needs 'tools and strategies' to move forward, your Boyfriend has gone back. I am sure that you are now aware, with all your best intentions, helping your Boyfriend has now left you feeling hurt, angry, upset and exhausted.
We have Advisers available 24/7 to help you through this. You can contact them by calling our Helpline on 0800 8020 133 or using our LiveChat option. I encourage you to contact us so we can discuss the best way forward for you.
There are a few sayings which may help you to realise that you are 'powerless' over your Boyfriends gambling.
"You can care about someone, but not take care of them"
"You can carry and message, but not carry the person"
"Don't do for others, what they can do for themselves"
"Another word for 'helping' is called 'enabling'"
You can also get support from www.gam-anon.org.uk
Best
Amanda
Forum Admin
Hello L Jay and Welcome to the forum.
Yo need to empower yourself with knowledge and support. You need to start again and realise this acts like a drug addiction. An extremely powerful drug addiction and you need to protect yourself financially.
Im afraid he needs reality checks that gambling is not acceptable to you. You are a victim and its not your fault. An addict will manipulate and belittle you because they are ill with addiction.
You can not be a shrinking violet or let this be a blind love. We dont know your relationship but if he thinks you are under the thumb its a green light to carry on gambling.
Do nor give him a penny more of your money and you have some serious decisions to make. Its not your fault and he needs serious help.
However you cant force him if he is not ready. It seems you are already getting verbal abuse.
Please talk to friends and family for support. Do you need this in your life?...You are better than this so Empower yourself and take your time to make a decision on your terms.
We are not relationship counsellors but we do know this addiction is deadly. It destroys relationships for breakfast and you may need support and counselling.
You may well need to live elsewhere in your own space. If he realises you are important to him he should decide to get help to heal.
You can never be complacent about this again. The trusted advice is protect yourself first and then you may wish to talk to him from a position of strength, financial and mental safety.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi L-Jay
welcome to the forum, I have been that sly, all that matters is gambling guy. Chasing loss after loss. I gave up for a year and relapsed 2 months ago for a week. I came to my senses and have been 24 days GF again. Small steps. I am a compulsive gambler and always will be. I have the most amazing wife and if I continued I was going to lose her. My advice would be to take all access to money off him. That’s what my wife did, makes it so easier to give up, as money is limited and only have what you need. If you don’t have it you can’t spend it. He needs to admit he has a problem and wants to stop. The lies I have told just to get access to more money. It’s like living in a different world from everyone else. Keep posting some good people on here have turned there life’s around. I gave up for 365 days and the happiest I had been just with myself in 20 years. Stay strong.
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