Hi I’m new to this and am looking for a bit of advice as I just don’t know what to do for the best. Back in September 2020 we where looking to buy a house together, and I was 2 month pregnant. I’ve always know he put the odd bet on the football from when we first got together 2 years ago but I never knew the extent until the mortgage advisor said we were unable to get a mortgage together due to his gambling and credit score. The mortgage advisor said that he had gambled over 100% of his wages in all 3 of the statements. We could still buy the house but only in my name however as I was pregnant and knowing I would be on MAT leave very soon I didn’t want the financial pressure.After finding out about his gambling a lot of things started to make sense, why he had no money all the time (at this point he owned me over £xxxx) and I was still buying everything for our child on the way and keeping a roof over our heads. He had 3 credit cards maxed out and payday loans. He promised it wasn’t as big as a problem as it seemed and promised he could sort it, I helped him start to get his finances back in track and leant him even more money. He did start to pay back what I had lent him and started seeing a counsellor. He then lost his job two days before Christmas due to covid. However he quickly found W new job as a career in mid January, all thought it was long hours the pay isn’t very good but Thing where looking good, our baby boy was born early April and I thought we where moving forward. Until I asked for his bank statement to see how our finances would work when my MAT pay went down in July. On his statement he was transferring large amounts of money to another account in his name, immediately I thought he was gambling and confronted him about it, he said he wasn’t gambling and it was a savings account so I asked for the statement to this savings account.. he the admitted he was gambling and said it was only a few pound on the euros however the statement he actually sent me was from April to may so I knew that was another lie. He then said it started again around the time our son was born so I asked for a later statement which he sent January again there was transaction to this other account so again he was lying. He then said it started again in January but I don’t believe he actually ever stopped. He has now been to two GA meetings, I have taken control of his money and he has self excluded from online and shop bookies. Although he seems to be doing the right things this is not off his own back I have been making him do these things and I worry that because he was court he doesn’t actually want to stop even though he says he does he’s not showing me that’s what he wants. He is a very bad communicator and bottles everything up so it is really hard to talk to him. I just can’t seem to get over the lies, I’m so angry and feel he has ruined our pregnancy and the first precious months of our sons life. he has smashed my dreams of owning a house together as I now never want to put myself or son in the position that we could lose every. I have financially supported him through our whole relationship and done everything I can to build our family and I feel like he’s just smacked me in the face with this for a second time. I can’t forgive and forget And this seems to annoy him as he is constantly asking me why am being off with him. 1 half of my family says he doesn’t bring anything to the table and I would be better off on my own raising our son By co-parenting and the other half say I need to work it out and be there to support him however I just feel like this isn’t possible and I don’t know what to do for the best for me and our son.
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Hi Molly123,
I am in the exact same position as you at the moment and I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I want to stay and work through this but on the other hand I have this overwhelming feeling that I’ll never be able to trust him again. I can’t seem to get over the fact that he can lie so easily and it makes me think he lies about other things too. I just feel so foolish. All my family and friends are telling me to get out and I’ll be better on my own but I don’t want our daughter being hurt in the process. I just can’t believe that someone who says they love you can do this. It’s breaking my heart.
I guess I just wanted to let you know that you’re definitely not alone in this.
Hi @mollie123 and welcome to the forum,
I’m very sorry to hear to about the pain and hurt you have experienced from your partners gambling. I can’t begin to imagine the grief and disappointment you have had to deal with from having your dreams crushed of building a family and home with him and your son. The strain of caring for a loved one with a gambling problem who does not want to stop can be incredibly stressful.
It’s clear you have been a big support to him and carried him financially and emotionally throughout the relationship whilst building a family. I can completely empathize when you mention being angry and finding it hard to forgive and forget all the lies and hurt, he has caused you. It is completely understandable. It sounds like you are in a dilemma on how you move forward from this. Glad you have people around you to talk about this, it can be lonely place. Ultimately it is your decision on what you decide is best for you.
It is crucial that you put your wellbeing and your sons at the forefront of all of this and protect your finances/assets. Your partner needs help and needs to want to make these changes for himself to be a better partner and dad. I know it can be hard to come to terms with, but you have been through a lot and like you said putting yourself first is what matters. Just something to highlight:
‘Studies show that people with addictions are more likely to proactively seek treatment when they are forced to face the consequences of their actions. I know it can be hard to hear this but sometimes if you want to help someone with addiction, allow them to make mistakes without the promise of your rescue’.
The Forum can be good outlet and you have done a positive thing coming on here to get some peer support and encouragement.
I encourage you contact our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or our 1:1 Livechat (both open 24 hours every day) to talk things through with one of our advisors. We have advisors that can help you and discuss the best way to move forward for you.
We run a Family and Friends chatroom on Mondays 11:30am. If you would like chat and get some support with people going through a similar situation to you, please feel welcome to join
You can also get support from GamAnon. https://gamanon.org.uk/
Do take care and keep posting!
Warm wishes
Vanessa
Forum Admin
Hi Mollie,
I am in the exact ame boat. I'm 8 months pregnant and just discovered boyfriend has lost 10,000 pounds over the last 3 years to gambling. I am shocked, angry and ashamed that I did not find out sooner and that he exhibited no remorse whatsoever and lied to me for so long! He has also lied about drinking and smoking in the past and I've had to try and sort out help for him to tackle these issues (still ongoing). I have been carrying this relationship financially from day 1 as he was in a new job then and learning the trade and we agreed he would take over/contribute more as he got more experience. This has somewhat happened, not to the degree I wanted but I did not want to wait any longer to have a baby so we decided to go for it. Great time to find out your boyfriend has been throwing money away while you've been covering 100% of the rent and 100% of the loan that you stupidly agreed to take out in your name (because his credit score was s**t - how did I miss that massive red flag? Love is blind), that he promised he would contribute 50% towards but never did (I think he made like 1 payment over the 3 years we've had it - still 2 years to go and I'm not holding my breath). I am just so digusted and resentful that he's been spending loads of money on alcohol, cigarettes and gambling (all useless things) while I went without any new clothes, holidays etc. for years because I thought we were on a tight budget. Apparently only I was! I have given him too many second chances and wish I had discovered this before we got pregnant, I want to leave him as I didn't sign up for mothering an adult - I wanted my baby for that!
It all feels very unfair and I don't think I can ever trust him again.
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