Where do I go next?
My partner has had a gambling addiction for a few years now, all along the way I have supported her but today was dealt another blow. I have made huge errors in the past and been bailing her out, taking out loans and a mortgage on my, as then mortgage free, property. I realised that this was the wrong thing to do, yet once again the tears were turned on, the suggestion of suicide etc, so stupidly I caved in and bailed her out again.
This time it was going to be different, she has started counselling.
Friday night, I had a "gut feeling" and asked her about it. We have blocking software on her pc and Ipad. Anyhow, her almost adult kids, were away for the weekend and had possibly left their I Pads accessible to her, and when I saw her, due to my feeling, I asked her if I could look at her online banking and told her how I was feeling, she immediately said yes, but because we were at my house she didn't have log in details. Today I asked to see her accounts and she refused. This indicates to me that she has something to hide and I lost it big time and said many hurtful things.
She is struggling at the moment with bad depression, I have been taking her to the doctor's weekly, she says she is having online counselling each week too.
She has destroyed our future together, I am sick with worry as to how I pay off her debts that are in my name, yet she doesn't appear to care about that. An interest free credit card deal was coming to an end last month, I said to her could she get a credit card in her name to transfer that debt on to and she said no way could she do that, so I have had no option but to continue with it in my name. Her debts are massive, the plan was to sell her house, pay me and the mortgage back and for me to buy a place for us.
Now I am left with debts, a mortgage, interest free credit card debt, have paid off some of the debts and this last loan was taken out of my pension savings. I am now in a situation where my salary doesn't cover the bills and I have to draw from my savings each month.
I cannot tell my family how stupid I have been and what I have done, I have no where to turn and am sick with worry. I did have a job that allowed me to service these debts but was made redundant last year and the new job is less than a third of what I was on, and doesn't cover the outgoings. I was hoping to have been able to retire at the end of this year but due to her debts retirement does not now appear to be an option as without me in her life there will be no-one able to do anything about her gambling, so any "collateral" in her house will be gone.
I believe, after what she said, that the relationship is now over, so not only having to deal with the heart break, where the heck do I turn for help and advice regarding the huge debt that I now stupidly have?
o*g bewildered my heart is breaking for you 🙁
I have no useful words but maybe Gamcare could point you in the right direction? You must love her so much to have allowed her to put you through this but now you must do whatever it takes to protect yourself & that may well be to try & figure out how much you have 'loaned' her throughout this period to stake that claim in the equity of her house before she fritters it away!
The break up may just be the addiction talking because you have finally said you can't bail her out anymore! Either way, you have done nothing wrong & you will find a way through this. I think you may find you need to spill the beans to a loved one as your heart is breaking right now on top of the fear & you will need support!
I wish you the strength you need to overcome this - ODAAT
It's not your fault.
You have to draw a line now, whats happened has happened, the money has gone, the debts are there, but there will not be anymore of this in the future, make today the day you learn to love the word no, because it will make your life so much nicer.
If she is still actively gambling, then you really cant believe a word, it helped me to think of it as the illness talking rather than the person, made it less emotional, less personal.
There is help for you to bring your chaos under control, but you cannot do anything about the chaos she will continue to create until she decides she wants recovery, all you can do is refuse to let her turn your life into chaos any more.
Be kind to yourself, this was not your fault, tomorrow is always a new day.
Thanks for your replies
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