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bluerose
(@bluerose)

Hi, I've never posted before and I'm hoping someone can help me. My husband has always enjoyed a little flutter on the horses, sports, etc. Before I knew there was a gambling problem, he asked me to loan him some cash as he was rubbish with money, so I did. A couple of years later, he admitted he had been gambling and had run up some debts, so I bailed him out to the tune of about 12k this time, pretty much all my savings. We cancelled all his gambling accounts and he stopped gambling. Or so I thought. He told me about 2 months ago that he'd run up £30k worth of debts over the last few years gambling. I now handle all the finances and give him an allowance each month and this was all on the proviso that he stops all gambling immediately, goes to a gambling therapy group, which he agreed to. I also spoke to his parents and they have helped us out financially, but told me they've helped him a couple of times before. He now flatly refuses to go to therapy. Now, I was already reeling from the secrecy and deception behind his gambling, the lengths he would go to in hiding it from me, the trust has been destroyed in our relationship. Today, he been absolutely vile and has currently been giving me the silent treatment for 8 hours straight. He has been quite verbally and emotionally abusive. I dont really know what to do anymore. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship before and it almost destroyed me, I certainly dont want to go back there, and I have young children to think of. I just feel like I'm trying so hard to be understanding, to help him and work hard to earn us some money, all because of his gambling, I'm starting to resent the addiction and his behaviour but I love him. I've read articles online that say not to overload the addicted person with all your own feelings as it can lead to regression, depression or worse but I feel like I'm now being buried alive with all this. As far as I know, he hadn't gambled at all in 2 months, but I'm not convinced he hadn't snuck off the the bookies and paid in cash. Sorry it's so long but I just need really some advice from those who've been there. Thanks for reading.

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Posted : 15th July 2019 12:52 am
Broken
(@broken)

I wish I knew what to say, I'm in a very similar situation so have no practical advice I can pass on. But I want you to know you aren't alone, don't let yourself get lost in his mess.

Sending hugs

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Posted : 15th July 2019 12:45 pm
Mee
 Mee
(@mee)

I wish i knew what to say I'm  struggling with my husband and his gambling. I'm feeling so low as not sure if I can carry on xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th July 2019 4:25 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin
Posted by: Mee

I wish i knew what to say I'm  struggling with my husband and his gambling. I'm feeling so low as not sure if I can carry on xx

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with your husband and his gambling, it's important that you know you are not alone in this. You might be aware that GamCare provides additional support for those affected by the gambling of a loved one, for example there is free treatment support available to you as well as to your husband. 

Please feel welcome to talk things through with a GamCare adviser on 0808 8020 133 or on our Netline. The advisers can provide emotional support and helpful information, as well as facilitate referrals to treatment support if you'd like to access that service too.

Take care,
ChrisK

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Posted : 15th July 2019 9:25 pm
bluerose
(@bluerose)

So sorry you're going through this too, it's just horrible. Massive hugs to you too X

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Posted : 15th July 2019 11:31 pm
bluerose
(@bluerose)

We've managed to have a conversation this evening and all the emotional outbursts seem to be related to money (or the lack of access to it) and the fact he sub consciously blames me for stopping his fun, by stopping his gambling and taking control of the finances. I've been sat here in tears and whilst he gave me a hug, he's still cold and I cant foresee this getting any better. He flatly refuses any support whatsoever from anywhere, he says he doesn't need it as hes not gambling, but when footie season starts again, I imagine it will be harder as this is his thing. I've suggested counselling even, anything to help him with the emotional side of things and he refuses to even consider it. I'm no further on really but at least I've managed to have my say on some things, even if it's fallen on deaf ears. I just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall, yet glad he doesn't seem to have gambled in two months. I dont know how long this will carry on for, but I'm running out of strength to deal with him. I think I need to go to a support group, am going to search them up. Sorry for rambling but at least writing this feels like I'm getting something out. It's so hard. He is just focussed on him and what he needs and seems to have no empathy for what it's doing to anyone else.

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Posted : 15th July 2019 11:41 pm
KS2
 KS2
(@ks2)
Posted by: bluerose

 He flatly refuses any support whatsoever from anywhere, he says he doesn't need it as hes not gambling, but when footie season starts again.............

It's not the footie season that you should be worried about.

If (its a big if), he is not gambling, its because he doesn't have access to funds.

He won't stop through will power, he won't do it alone.

How many years is it since you first lent him money (or his parents bailed him out) ?

Speak to Gamcare or get yourself to Gam-anon.

Ask yourself this.

Does he seem ready to stop for good (and that means for life) ?

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th July 2019 8:13 am
Walliss77
(@walliss77)

Hi bluerose,

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles with your husband. I really feel your pain through your posts. I was extremely hostile and angry towards my caring loving wife during my addiction struggles and often made her feel guilty when we decided to put any type of blocks in place. I was very self absorbed in my active addiction with no care or regard for anyone one around me. It's so hard because underneath the addiction monster I'm sure your husband is a loving decent human being. It's a shame he's not open to receiving any type of outside help because I've worked with alot of people with addictions and I've not met anyone who has gone it alone and been successful in long-term emotional and physical recovery. I'm pleased to hear that you are going to get support as you really need it when in a relationship with an addict. Please keep posting on here and there is never any need to apologise for rambling on. 

Take care.

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Posted : 16th July 2019 9:55 am
bluerose
(@bluerose)

We had a talk last night again and I'm actually convinced that there are more issues going on here, rather than just gambling, I have major concerns that there may be some underlying undiagnosed mental health issues (I've had these concerns before when flare ups have happened, it's like a switch flicks and he turns at the drop of a hat from being lovely and caring to being angry and shouting, expecting apologies for things that haven't happened except in his mind, and literally goes silent for hours until I apologise for my "behaviour" or force him to speak, which is always defensive until he calms down and realises that nothing actually happened in the first place - which I've never done, I've done literally nothing wrong to apologise for so I won't) but again hes not open to outside help. Is this addiction related or is this MH related?! Anyone have any experience of a CG with pre existing MH issues? Without professional help, I'm at a loss. Can the advisors on the forum helpline refer to MH services too? He wont go to the doctors. Getting a little sick of this nightmare in all honesty, but I love the real him that I know is in there somewhere and whilst the easy option is to give him his cards back, pack his bags, send him out the door to do whatever he likes with his life, we have kids and a marriage and I firmly believe he is ill. Will have to call the helpline, I know I need to, I'm just summoning up my own strength first.

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Posted : 17th July 2019 3:00 pm
bluerose
(@bluerose)
Posted by: K2
Posted by: bluerose

 He flatly refuses any support whatsoever from anywhere, he says he doesn't need it as hes not gambling, but when footie season starts again.............

It's not the footie season that you should be worried about.

If (its a big if), he is not gambling, its because he doesn't have access to funds.

He won't stop through will power, he won't do it alone.

How many years is it since you first lent him money (or his parents bailed him out) ?

Speak to Gamcare or get yourself to Gam-anon.

Ask yourself this.

Does he seem ready to stop for good (and that means for life) ?

His parents did it a few times probably over a 15 year period, I first did around 6 years ago and then again around 3 years ago which wiped me out totally of savings. This time there were no savings left. In all honesty, I dont think he is ready to stop. He admitted last night that when footie season starts he thought I might give him a fiver to go to the bookies. Obviously I wont. He also wants to bet on the horses for Cheltenham next year. I dont think hes ready. But as my new post below says, I think theres more going on in all this. I will phone the helpline, thank you for your reply. 

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Posted : 17th July 2019 3:05 pm
KS2
 KS2
(@ks2)
Posted by: bluerose

Will have to call the helpline, I know I need to, I'm just summoning up my own strength first.

I think its important that you do.

You need access to support as much as he does.

Take a deep breath and do it - it's difficult to speak about it to another human,  however I'd imagine the relief will be immense.

Good luck

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th July 2019 3:17 pm
Amom_
(@amom_)

Hi Bluerose

Your husband does have a mental health issue ... it is addiction. It is very hard to believe that addiction can lead to the behaviors that you are seeing. Addiction hijacks the brain and what you find odd and nonsensical makes perfect sense to them.

I am so sorry you are in the position. Instead of seeking help for him get "selfish" and look for help for yourself. This will take you both down. You can only help yourself. 

Take care

Cathy

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Posted : 17th July 2019 3:23 pm
KS2
 KS2
(@ks2)
Posted by: bluerose
Posted by: K2
Posted by: bluerose

He also wants to bet on the horses for Cheltenham next year. I dont think hes ready.

Stopping really is for life.

We really can't go and gamble normally.

I'd say a tiny, tiny percentages of compulsives can enjoy a £5 bet on the footie on a Saturday.

I had a compulsive mentality putting £5 bets never mind having £3k on a horse.

I really don't know what to suggest to a partner of a gambler who shows no interest in giving up.

Please access support on the helpline

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th July 2019 3:30 pm
Walliss77
(@walliss77)

Hi bluerose,

Regarding your concerns about the possibility of your husband having mental health issues I can can only tell you of my journey.

My gambling addiction helped me to escape my emotional state of mind. I had very poor coping skills with life events and tolerance of other people. I was also very rigid in my beliefs/rules that I applied to myself and others. At the start of my gambling recovery nine and half years ago I took a leap of faith and tried CBT therapy. During my therapy I learnt that my character defects were formed during my unstable developmental years, I had a father who constantly let me down through his addiction and was replaced with a step father who had unachievable expectations of me and was very controlling. This environment left me with a negative self perception (insecurities, low self worth, fear, anxieties). I felt like I didn't belong and gambling took the edge off the way I felt. Unfortunately with every gambling episode my self worth deteriorated further with self condemnation. I tried stopping for many years to no avail before I sought out CBT. CBT was no quick fix cure and requires alot of hard work but I have managed to heal that scared young child who believed he wasn't good enough, wasn't loveable and wasn't wanted. As my inherent self love has increased my superficial ego has decreased along with my need for control. I also have become more flexible in the way deal with situations and people so that I'm no longer disturbable with life events. 

I'm fortunate that I now work as a psychotherapist/CBT therapist as giving it away to others also keeps me in a good place. 

It's a very difficult position for yourself as you can't force your husband to take certain steps if he's not ready to. 

Kind regards 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th July 2019 5:51 pm
bluerose
(@bluerose)

Thank you all so much for your advice, it's really been very helpful. Ive never been a gambler, if I even buy a lottery ticket it's rare, it's just never been part of my life until now obviously. I can see exactly what you mean by the addiction being a mental health condition, it all makes a lot more sense to me. I've spoken to a friend now too so I'm not feeling as alone in all this but I do need to put myself and my children first, financially, emotionally and any other way. I'm going to look for a support group local to me, and also call the helpline tomorrow. I've taken this evening to just take stock of everything and just get my head in order as before now, I've just been in a state of shock I think. So grateful to have found this forum. Thank you all for your honesty and support.

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Posted : 17th July 2019 11:47 pm
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