I went in to our marriage with a lot of emotional baggage.
I put on a pretense and a facade which was built on fears.
The addictions and obsessions were an indicator that I was a very emotionally vulnerable person.
I read step one as my problem was my gambling and a lack of money.
I did not understand that my life unmanageable long before I had my addictions and obsessions.
The addictions and obsessions and obsessions were a way of me escaping people life and situations when I could not cope emotionally with people life and situations.
I use to escape being honest because I associated honesty as being painful.
I associated me being honest would cause rejection or abandonment.
The recovery was going to help me if I was willing and wanted to help myself get healthy.
It was not possible for me to heal all the time I was in denial or still being consumed by my addictions and obsessions and was escaping in a fear filled way.
Just for today was all about one day at a time.
Shirley my wife was very scared away by unhealthy angry Gamanon members.
In the GA room I was able to move on from telling sad war stories and talking about money, to opening up and giving in depth therapies.
In time I was able to articulate my feelings and emotions, I moved on from lashing out in my anger, as I became more honest with myself I was able to be honest with my family.
When I walked in to the recovery program non religious for me, I was emotionally traumatized, my emotional age and my physical age did not match up.
As I talked from the heart and opened up in the recovery rooms I over came my fears and took some of my honesty home with me to share myself with my family.
I did not understand that my anger was with me long before my addictions and obsessions.
I did not understand that my anger was due to my pains not healed or resolved, my anger was due to my fears not faced, my anger was due to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations people life and situations.
Once I completely accepted the serenity prayer non religious of course, I was able to understand that my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations, that no one could stop me gambling that had to be a boundary I set for myself each day.
Shirley my wife no longer fears me, my son Mark no longer fears me, when I say I am going to do some thing I do it.
Shirley my wife asked me if I would answer her honestly each day if I gambled could I do that, I agreed.
Shirley explained to me is was not the money that hurt her but my betrayal and my lies that hurt her.
So I agreed to answer her every day honestly, then suddenly she was not asking me if I gambled, I left it for a while and then asked why she had not ask me if I gambled, she told me she knew because she saw and felt the changes in me.
I like many people did not stop from day one, I like many people could not honest about every thing from day one.
Yet as I got more honest with myself I was able to be more honest with other people.
As I got spiritually healthier my walls of fear came down, I exchanged unhealthy habits in to healthy habits .
The more I was able to love myself the more I was able to love my family.
The more I was able to respected myself the more I was able to respect my family.
Money was never going to give me any emotional resolve, money was just the fuel for my addiction.
In time I handed over all of our finances to Shirley that was difficult for me.
By attending many meetings regularly and handing over all of our finances to Shirley was the beginning of my recovery.
I have attended 11 counselors and have cried many times in my healing process.
The time and my effort in to finding a healthy life was very empowering to me and my family.
I am not able to answer your questions personally but felt by sharing my suffering and my unhealthy habits you would understand any addict who is living in pain and many fears.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave of Beckenham
As a gambler, and also travelling from one addiction to another.drugs. binge drinking.P**n. exercise,lol.now that was a healthy one. smoking .the list goes on.
I ask myself why? how?
Well i was a child gambler,and only truly happy when i was focused on gambling.
In the main, i was an unhappy child, who lived in fear, Gambling was an escape.
this led me to be an adult who was emotionally dead inside.
I could not connect to my feelings.
It is only in recent years that i have been able to connect with my emotions.
I myself have tried to end it all,
Had a breakdown
Multiple counselling sessions.
I feel i am damaged,and always will be, however its not all doom and gloom.
I am connecting with my emotions.i have stopped smoking.i don't do P**n.
I am in the process of controlling my drinking, almost to a stop,
Today i did not and will not gamble.
Dave, you my friend are not religious. i am.i had a knowing,a nudge, a push.now i believe.
I would not be where i am now without Gods help.(universe}
I respect your views and experiences,
I wish you well.
And once again thank you for sharing.
Kind regards T
I am posting in a forum, any forum let alone this one, for the first time.
Just wanted to express how much your two posts above have helped me already.
I have only just found out about my husbands gambling within the last week. Your incredibly courageous and informative posts have given me food for thought and so much insight.
I wish you both well, and continued strength. I am already gaining so much support from GamCare and this forum. My husband is a good man, but is reaching for the wrong ways to deal with his challenges. I am sure I will find my way through this and will hopefully be able to share my story in the hopes it will support others in the way I am already feeling supported.
This is just the beginning of my journey, and separately, my husbands journey to a better way.