I have posted before, probably back in July when my husbands gambling came to a head and I found out how bad an addiction he has. I am not sure how long he has had it for as he has at times been able to have some money but this last year in particular he hasn’t been able to hold on to any money without gambling it.
In July though he went 4 months (until November) not gambling, or so he says. I have had to repay a loan shark and have had next to no financial support from him all year. This last month he has gambled all of his part time wage and then sold his bike, to give me the money but obviously didn’t and gambled it.
Then Friday I had a new credit card arrive he opened it and tried to take money from it. He says he knows he needs ‘more help’ he currently attends GA weekly.
He had private therapy from January- March then again July- September. Would he be suitable for inpatient/outpatient stay or is it for people more severely addicted? He doesn’t want to do inpatient rehab, but he needs to do something or he’ll end up losing me and the kids.
ive tried to encourage him back into work as he was at a job he didn’t like for 10 years but still went, then went to uni and quit almost before the end and now he’s had a few normal jobs in between but left for one reason or another. He has no job atm, says he doesn’t want to work and that’s why he gambles but I have said you can’t think like this it isn’t fair on me.
He is also on 2 antidepressants for chronic depression. I just feel so alone, I can’t talk to my family about it as they dislike him enough for things he’s done previously. I cannot trust him one single bit he lies about everything and even if I say I won’t get mad I just need to know the thruth? He will lie to my face about 6 times until he will finally say, just like when I knew he tried to use my credit card.
what do you guys do, how do we get through this? I don’t want to leave him just yet I want to try and support him but I do not want to enable him.
today I’ve cut up my other credit card that I cannot freeze online and cancelled the new one. My bank info I’ve changed the pin and online answers (not sure he knew these though) and my bank card is permanently frozen unless I need to unfreeze it to use.
sorry for the long post.
I haven’t got any ideas tbh but I’ve just lost my pregnant partner and her kids for similar reasons and I’ve applied to the Gordon moody rehab because every situation you’ve mentioned I’ve put my partner threw as well as all my family. he definitely needs a lot more than a few Ga sessions I really hope you guys can sort out a solution because I can see it from both sides and it’s a living hell for you all to be in
Hi igatti8 I'm the wife of a cg. Ideas? He needs more GA. He needs some help for his mental health. He needs to block all online by using gamstop, Gamban. He needs to self exclude. He needs to find a better way to spend his time. He can do all that for himself.
the most important person is you. Secure all finances, your money in a separate account. Credit scores. Can you find a gamanon meeting or codependent (coda). These are support groups for you. Him not working and you paying his debts is enabling. He has no responsibility for his actions. If you can't get to the post first, get it sent to your work or somewhere secure. I don't know if you can get a P.o. Box.
i know it's very hard but you have to be strong. He can get counselling from gamcare, but GA is where he needs to be. He should have numbers of people he can contact for support. It's not for you to carry the burden or be so rapped up in his addiction. It's very damaging, stressful.
Can he get benefits? Citizens advice may help. Stepchange, national debt line.
you have to change how you react to him. Be selfish, get support for yourself, Gamanon, gamcare, coda, any 12 step meeting or smart recovery. There's gamanon online meeting Sunday night 8-9, go to the website.
Seriously this is damaging you as much as him, get help for you.
Hi and welcome to the forum.
It goes very deep to the core of his soul and how teh addiction has altered his mind for its own fixes.
This addiction will be one of the strongest tests of your love for him. Do not let that be a blind love and this is no time to be a shrinking violet.
He needs reality checks and one of them is that you tell him that gambling is not acceptable to you or you will walk. If you have no trust or financial security its impossible to maintain a loving stable relationship.
You tell him to get a job....any job and you ask him when gambling became a reliable income scheme? What does he know that millions of working people dont. If gambling was an income scheme nobody would go to work!
Take him to a GA meeting and push him through the door
You need to take a deep breath and start to fully protect yourself. Living with a gambler is nothing but uncertainty and you deserve more than that. Many partners can only distance themselves by leaving
Now we are not relationship counsellors but we do know about the addiction. Its highly dangerous and acts just like a drug addiction. He needs to be ready for help or you cant help him
This is not about selling a bike or cutting up one card. he needs a born again moment to start healing his mind from illness.
Th brutal reality is that if he fights this and moans or grumbles you cant help him and he will take you down further. The gambling train goes downwards calling at all stops to the worst hell you can imagine.
Its not your fault so you need support perhaps from family friends or professionals. when you feel stronger you can make a decision based on knowledge and strength.
Any partner of a gambler deserves better. Its your decision and your call.
An addicted gambler will lie and manipulate. Im not saying he is inherently bad but he is in the grip of something that shreds relationships for breakfast and kills people.
Im being blunt because I need to get through to you.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
So it has been a few months and the gambling lies and deceit continued. About two weeks ago, he hit his 'rock bottom' again (but that happened in July he promised not to do it again ect he will change and he did for about 4 months apparently). But then it started again, and the most recent one he actually took my card reader and logged into my bank to take money from my savings. so again, he said he is so sorry he is sick and tired of letting me down and being a failure speech and he hasnt gambled for two weeks.
BUT, between the dates of 23rd and 26th December he spent almost £100 on his stupid xbox games. He lied again about wanting a tennis game that cost £48 but i said no because i had let him spend £23 on his football game (that is included in the £100) and my card is attached to his Xbox account which i didn't know about i don't think. So I got P****d off about that. he is spending recklessly on things that don't even matter? Is this just his gambling addiction trying to take other forms of reckless spending or what? Since then he apparently hasn't done anything, or I just haven't found out about it. He hasn't been to GA for 2 weeks as it has been Christmas and New Year.
A day before on the 22nd Dec he went mental because we had a mild argument, he smashed my tree which has only nice glass baulbauls on. One smashed on the floor and he started to take it to his arm as hard as he could so I rang '999'. he then calmed down and left.
Today was an okay day, trying not to argue or anything. He has began stealing things from Supermarkets. He usually takes a redbull or alcohol. Today he stole a bottle of Prosecco. when I put the youngest to bed he then went out in the car and I messaged him like w*f you've been drinking get out of the car. I went downstairs and saw that he had drank 3/4 of a bottle. He just laughed at me and said 'it's only down the road' when he got back. Which is true, it is only down the road but that is not the point he could have hurt someone or caused a crash and it my bloody car. He had actually also been to Sainsbury's and stole another bottle of Prosecco.
EUGHHHH i am so sick to death of all of this s**t. I think I would rather be on my own with my two girls. I thought maybe this year would be different, he would make more of an effort ect. He has emailed talking therapies and one of the gambling charities about therapy but didn't 'get round' to ringing them which he needs to do asap.
But i am worried about a few things, he has never been physically violent but I am worried if I tell him to leave that a) He has nowhere to go, his dad has a small 1 bed flat and he isn't speaking to his mum. His brother is his only other family and they don't have any room and 3 kids anyway.
b) He won't afford to live as he only gets £74 a week ESA and says he would rather be homeless than live in shared accommodation but he cannot afford a place on his own.
c) He might turn violent as he now will have nothing to lose except obviously not seeing his kids, but how will he see them if hes homeless? Also, I am well known in my area, I already had to pay back a phone he stole last year from someone local because they identified him, so me and I am not like that at all. I am a health professional with a good job and get very embarrassed by things especially the scummy actions of my so called husband.
d) I've got limited childcare, he can look after the children and take my eldest to school and I don't have to worry about working and earning the 2K a month that keeps the roof over our heads and my kids fed.
Sorry for the long post but I feel trapped, and I do not know what to do.
Dear @igatti8 ,
Thank you for coming back onto the Forum to share your story. It really does sound like your husband is struggling with his addiction and of course this is having a negative impact on you. The lies and deceit you talk about are both common traits in gambling addicts and it seems you have been on the receiving end of them in the past as well as the present.
I am extremely concerned about the safety of you and your children, as his behaviour has become more unpredictable. What you have mentioned with the event at Christmas and having to call 999 is an example of a situation you shouldn't be in. You mentioned also he is displaying criminal behaviour, he has stolen from you, as well as local shops and is breaking the law by drink driving. This must be affecting you emotionally and it seems you are treading on eggshells so as not to cause arguments.
If you do feel afraid, you must dial 999. Or you can contact https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ Also do not hesitate to call us on the helpline 0808 802 0133 or Netline for further support.
Please look after yourself.
Thank you for taking the time to get back to me I really appreciate it.
Yes he has become more unpredictable but if I leave with the children I lose a career, the house I've lived in for 8 years, my pet cats, everything. it's such a horrible situation to be stuck in. He said he will ring the gambling counselling tomorrow and I've left us on good terms tonight as I worry if I don't. I suffer with anxiety (not medicated) and tend to think up all sorts of things that could Happen that wont. So for my peace of mind I've put my other daughter in bed with me and put stuff in front of the bedroom door so ill hear him come in if he tries although I've asked him to stay downstairs tonight as he often does, I do not like him sharing a bed with our 4 year old when hes been drinking.
I wish I had a crystal ball so I can see what would be the right decision to make.