So my husband of 5 years is a gambler. Came out a week today that he has been gambling again.
Last time it came out was much worse than this time - financially. However, emotionally it worse than ever.
I have gone through so many emotions this week. Filling out divorce papers on line. And really wanting to leave. A trip to a and e because he attempted to take own life.
Have made the decision to work thru this. Again. Second time.
His wage goes into my account and has done for 3 years (still found a way)
Reading around this site is heart breaking and makes me feel sick. Can he change and can i get the man back I fell in love with?
He is attending GA and has some councilling sorted. Has self excluded from bookies. Been started on anti d - think a lot of this stems from childhood, being controlled and very very strict. Lying from a young age.
The lies,manipulation, selfishness everything I hate. Makes me feel everything has always been a lie.
I ache, my heart aches. I feel so betrayed. Every emotion all rolled into one. Had a panic attack last night.
Then, I feel bad. Because he is ill, he has issues he needs to address. I can't walk out on that. We have 3 children.
I need to find the strength and someone to tell me he can do it or at least something positive.
I knew there was something but kept thinking it can't be that after last time, thought he was perhaps ***!! (Think that would have been better) but then still a big lie.
It just feels very very jumbled and a muddly mess, a shitstorm.
I have very close family and friends who are all willing to support us again,everyone likes him.
Am just a confuzzled person right now.
I really feel for you as it's so hard to live alongside a gambling addict.
I was a gambling addict for 23yrs and had many failed attempts along the way. I tried so many times to stop by putting blocks in place but I always seemed to find a way around them. My life really changed when I was suffering from suicidal ideation which then led me to the counselling route (CBT therapy). My therapy gave me the tools to be able to live life on life's terms and challenge/change my unhealthy self defeating thinking/behaviours. I also had alot of unprocessed emotional trauma from my developmental years that caused me to have a poor perception/relationship with myself. It was this continued work/change that has taken me from not being able to go a day without gambling to 9 and a half years free from unhealthy dependencies and a normal relationship and access to money. It's taken a huge amount of work to get to where I am and my recovery is also enhanced by myself being a therapist and working with others who are struggling with mental health.
Summing up, what I'm saying is that life could be great for you and your family but it ultimately comes down to your husbands desire to seek help and implement change from people who have the tools.
Wow well done you. That is positive.
I am fully expecting it to happen again. It's the trust, I will never be able to trust him. Second guessing his motives and I don't want to belike that.
I also want to put my children through the trauma of it all again.
He tried to take own life last weekend. So can't get anymore rock bottom? Hope he can do this for himself and his family
Thanks for reply. A lot of the stories on here are negative, haven't seen many positive ones
I wanted to give you a realistic picture because the percentage of long-term emotional sobriety from unhealthy dependencies isn't great although it's also not impossible. The impression I get from the forum and clients I work with find it very hard to move forward in to a healthy trusting relationship once lies and deceit have been discovered.
Please look after yourself and your children as a priority. Do you have anyone that you can talk to regarding your feelings and emotions?
I am so sorry MB, my heart breaks for you. ❤
I'm afraid nobody can give you any guarantees that this won't happen again or that you will get a happily ever after. Can you find a Gam Anon group for some support for yourself? Sometimes when we find a way to step back and leave them to it while we get busy with our own lives things can improve.
My son also attempted to take his life twice and I know how that feels. I was of course very sad and also very angry (sorry if that sounds harsh) like I was being held hostage as and that no matter what I did it was my fault.
Trust that he is getting therapy and attending GA so has all the tools he needs. If he needs more tools he is capable of finding them.
On a positive note my son seems to have finally found recovery (after 13 very LONG years) and I can say though I prayed for it every day I was beginning to doubt it would ever happen.
Try not to do this alone MB... there is lots of help out there!
I have a really good network of friends and family. Also got some councilling from gam care.
Although i still feel isolated and lovely. Can't stop thinking about it and what the future holds.
Can't sleep properly. Tired but can't sleep.
Stupidly i believe he can do this. I work in medical proffession and I know what your saying. I just feel like a mug really.
But made decision, for now.
Need to see action from him
Lonely not lovely!! Feel far from that!!
Cathy thanks for your reply. Another positive story. Well done to your son.
I know what you mean with taking own life. How can you turn your back then! I felt physically sick. I still do at the thought of it.
Life is so complex.
I left him to it this time and tried to carry on,he slipped back. I feel like will always be on eggshells.
Am hopeful today, perhaps at 3am tomorrow morning I won't be feeling the same. What a rollercoaster!!!
That's great to hear that you have support.
I understand that the worry and projection about the future is causing you to feel emotionally distressed but try to keep it in the day as your fears and anxieties won't alter the outcome of what's ahead but will only impact your present health.
I wish you all the best with your situation and look forward to catching up in the future.
It's not stupid at all to think he can do this! You are not a mug. His gambling was never meant to hurt you. It's an addiction/disease. He is trying to look after it which is a really good thing. It is such a hard journey for both of you and definitely not a straight line.
Whatever you do will be right for you. There are no absolutes dealing with this. Trust yourself.
It's very easy to give advice when you're emotionally detached and very hard when emotions are involved.
No one wants to walk away from a relationship and be on their own but long-term you have to decide whether your partnership is enhancing your life or pulling you further away from your life plans (Very difficult).