Call free 0808 8020 133

Anxiety/Trust issues

 
PreenyT
(@preenyt)

Sorry in advance for the long post. 

 

My partner has been gamble free for over a year now (his vice was sports - football, tennis, cricket) and I am so proud of him but the after shock outside of this is this relentless trigger I feel every time a grand slam is on or when he has cricket on whilst he's working "in the background" etc...it raises so much anxiety in me and makes me think, so he's stopped gambling but his behaviour is the same?

It doesn't make sense how he can he can still enjoy watching sports as much as he does when it nearly destroyed him? I bailed him out of an obscene amount of debt but only because I made the decision to be with him and without the financial aid we wouldn't ever be able to move forward how we would want to. However I'm left feeling like maybe I made it too easy for him? Has he taken this "recovery" all for granted? 

Does anyone else have the same issue or anxiety where it just leaves you feeling confused? 

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 4th July 2022 10:03 pm
Ejw1
 Ejw1
(@ejw1)

I certainly feel the exact anxiety and trust issues! I have full access to his bank account and any money he spends is all through mine so I just have to keep telling myself that he has no access to money so I need to trust all is fine. My hubby watches a shed load of sports and sport is where his gambling issue was which doesn't help. I don't think the worry (is he going to do it again) is every going to go away just need to learn to live with it and use other things to reassure myself everything is OK. Well that's what I am doing currently anyway. Xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th July 2022 10:16 pm
Suewoo
(@suewoo)

Oh my goodness- I feel exactly the same! I really relate, it’s horrible, I don’t know whether  I am coming or going with my marriage because of this. He thinks because I have full control of finances and I stopped the divorce that all is great and I can’t live without him…but yea behaviour or personality I guess is still the same. He was meant to be going through Gam care counselling which he stopped after a few sessions, apparently couldn’t go no further as he was determined he wasn’t gambling ever again. I’m left still needing weekly counselling and when I mention it to him he basically ignores my worries and says I don’t know what you want me to say I’m not doing it anymore and gets irritated and says we need to look at the future and he’s proud he has done so well. Yet he hasn’t got an alternative hobby, still has the sky fixtures football app on his phone & was hazy when I mentioned he’d promised me to do counselling long term, I am not convinced it was the counsellors idea to stop the sessions. Then he does belittle me at times and also we don’t parent well together…I’m really feeling down at the moment. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th July 2022 11:04 pm
hannah2023
(@sellie2023)

oh yes  i am super anxious too, if my husband  is watching sports  ,i struggle to hide my anxiety which annoys my husband .... I hate myself when i do that , because it feels i cannot trust him and expect to be trusted after my errors

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th July 2022 11:04 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hello Preeny and Welcome

The anxiety will lower when you get some support and more advice to learn about this addiction.

You should be in full control of the finances having bailed him out and you will develop a sixth sense if he is even thinking about gambling

Many would say he has had it easy with a bailout so you must ensure that this doesn't enable him into thinking its a no lose situation

He will need the reality checks that your relationship is on the line if he doesn't put his heart and soul into recovery.

The addiction is like a drug addiction so you can never be complacent that everything is now tickety boo and all is fine. I'm afraid you will need an eye on him for a lifetime but it doesn't have to be hard if he is healing

Forget the full trust.....as a former addict I can tell you he doesn't need your trust.....and shouldn't need your full trust if he is recovering properly

I don't want my parents or girlfriends trust with money ever again because it helps keep me safe. The trust is actually a smaller price to pay than an addiction that was killing me.

You need to remove the uncertainty by monitoring and talking to him. If you are a shrinking violet or if he has control over the money.....you may be in for a rude awakening

Be strong be financially safe and you can help from that position

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th July 2022 12:24 am
njd1115
(@njd1115)

@suewoo 

This post is the life I am living. But, I am the gambler. Suewoo, your husband and I are the exact same. I have behaved the very same way to my own wife and have said the same things he has said to you. The difference is that my wife has filed for divorce and kicked out of the house. She has decided that I am “too risky” to remain married to. She will not budge, and refuses to drop the divorce despite me practically begging her to just that for the last several months. Trust, uncertainty, and all the other issues are simply too much for her. She says that she will never trust me again. I am 105 days clean, and do not really have a strong urge to gamble anymore. It is there, but waning. My wife says that it may take years before she is ever in a position to trust me again, but until then we cannot be together. We do not really even speak to each other anymore. I get the impression from her comments that she would rather have trust than money. I will just have to accept that right now she is gone. Can the spouses/girlfriends in this post expand on your thought process with your own situations? I get the feeling that all of you share the same thoughts. 

This post was modified 1 month ago 3 times by njd1115
ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th July 2022 10:14 am
Suewoo
(@suewoo)

@njd1115  Sorry to hear this for you, it does feel like a pressure cooker for us women who have been affected by the lies and deceitfulness.  I do panic quite frequently and sometimes question whether it was the right decision withdrawing the divorce, not because I don’t love my husband but because of the sheer exhaustion, the worry and doubt can weigh down on me at times.  He does often also use his actions to communicate rather than talking such as today the house was clean and tidy and dinner cooked, we work different shifts to each other so this shows he’s trying but it would be nice if I actually heard the words once in a while that he is sorry I feel so scared and worried and have caused this but he seems to pretend it’s not happening. I then feel quite bitter and angry which isn’t me, it’s almost like PTSD , it has crept up on me 4 months after the last relapse …I just want to be my happy self.  I used to always look for the good times with him after a bad patch or gambling but since the last time and actually facing it and willing to give him another chance I tend to be so suspicious. I hope I can overcome this as it’s not who I want to be , I feel sad in a way that I felt looked after by him but now looks like he didn’t have my best interests or intentions then I try and remind myself it is a illness. Then I feel guilty for my thoughts, it’s a constant vicious circle- bring into that 3 out of 4 kids at home to parent and not always on the same page together it makes you think perhaps we were better off apart or will we both meet each other half way one day and get through all of this and be stronger? We recently got on well going away together but I did feel a couple of times he was a bit arrogant towards me and I don’t want that from a partner, so it makes me feel uncomfortable as is if he’s thinking subconsciously he doesn’t really need to work on it but I think he does, it’s hurt and destroyed part of me, Just wish he’d acknowledge accountability not because I want to keep reminding him but because it would be reassurance he was in a dark place and he promised me a lot, is he showing me integrity on a daily basis. Questions to ask yourself.  Also with your wife she will be influenced by those around her, a lot of my supporters were doubtful he would change, I really hope he’s not heading back to it but if he does it will all come to an end. It’s a stressful place to be. I asked for space when I filed for divorce but he came back after a couple of days, I didn’t have the fight to ask him to leave plus part of me wanted it back to normal and just giving it that final try with me having full control of finances which I will have forever.  He came across as devastated but was he? I find it all so hard to really know the real him.  I did expect something to give and him to change in some ways since stopping but I can’t seem to see it. My counselling is helping me to focus on myself and my own journey at the moment which leaves me out of my comfort zone as I should be supporting him and not constantly reminding him, he should feel that by not having access to money? That is all he loves to talk about, money and saving and spending it!! I am in such a negative mood in life. Hope this makes a little sense! Thanks for reading 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th July 2022 9:50 pm
Sara
 Sara
(@sara)

I am a mum of a gambler with all those issues. I worry all the time. Letters arrive at home about the debt. He tells me it’s none of my business but he lives abroad for most of the time so I feel like I am facing this. He lies- and is terrible at it and both myself and his brother are constantly checking on him. It’s causing so many problems because we are being made to feel wrong. The constant feeling sick with worry is crippling

This post was modified 1 month ago by Forum admin
ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th July 2022 6:53 am
SamH
 SamH
(@samh)

I have huge trust issues. I let my husband know right from the beginning of our relationship that honesty was important to me. He has lied to me many time, said so many awful things. He relapsed a few times in the last 4 months one being only yesterday. I don’t know where to go from here. I have been on here a lot today and hopefully will have the support to move forward. I worry that the trust will never come back 100%

samH

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th July 2022 7:20 pm
Share this page
Share

We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.

Find out more
Close