My partner has a gambling problem and handed over full control of his accounts to me about 8 months ago. He's been doing well at not gambling but found a way to the other day. We spoke about it and he said that his urges to gamble aren't going away. He suggested having a monthly 'allowance' whereby I monitor what he's doing and he can't spend over the agreed amount each month and this might curb his urges. We tried this for the first time yesterday and obviously he lost all the money. Is this a very bad strategy that will just perpetuate the problem or could this actually help if it's managed right? I want to help him but also don't want to be manipulated but have no clue which is the right way to go about it!
Hi Emily, I'm definitely in the enabling corner on this one. You will struggle to find anyone who will tell you that this is a good idea. You have full control of his accounts?? So how did he find a way to gamble ? My husband has full control of our finances I don't have any access to money that I could gamble with. Hope I don't sound harsh but there is manipulation going on here, this will spiral he will gradually ask for a bigger allowance and if denied it by yourself he will find money by other ways. Whatever you want to label it problem/compulsive/addictive gambling ,abstinence along with blocking access( gamstop.gamban etc) therapy..GA...counselling, are tried and tested ways of stopping and getting into recovery. Pathways that are trodden by recovering gamblers and are successful, including me...I'm nearly 10 months gamble free after an awful struggle. My suggestion would be phone the advisors here and get yourself some helping hopefully your partner will accept help also. I wish you all the best
Hi.. Well on a positive if your partner has gone for several months without gambling then that's a good thing. Its a very powerful compulsion so any gamble free time is to be commended. Its also positive that he has told you that the urges haven't gone away... so in effect he has told you that he is struggling. It shows a willingness to be honest which is also a good thing.
Of course lots of buts here. Clearly you don't have full control and oversight of the finances because other wise he wouldn't have been able to gamble. I assume it was online. If so, has he registered with Gamstop?? Are you registered with Gamstop so he can't use your details to gamble with?? Also install Gamban on devices that could be used to gamble on. Other questions to ask yourself... Does he have other accounts you are not aware of?? Are friends and family enabling his gambling??
As for oversight. Most compulsive gamblers, me very much included might be prepared to give up "some" control of money but not all. Money is the drug remember. The monthly allowance is clearly a non-starter. If your going to go down that route then your actually looking at a "daily" allowance and receipts please!
Perhaps the bigger question to ask yourself is... Do I really want to spend the forseeable future playing detective?? Another option is to completely separate finances to the extent that whatever he does or doesn't do has no direct financial impact upon you. Obviously if there is children to think about then your life has just got even more complicated.
Urges can't be curbed in my opinion. Ive had this problem all my adult life. Urges come and go. Its not acting upon them that is the challenge. A typical gambling addict won't talk about wanting to gamble... recovery is talking it through and deciding not to act upon them.
Iv'e waffled on enough. Its not all doom and gloom but do be realistic going forward.
@emily_345 It never works to have an allowance. If he wasn't a problem gambler then it would be fine but the fact he states he's having urges indicates that he is.
The other thing to consider is what else has he done. Apart from giving over money or maybe some blocks, has he tried to change himself? By this I mean find a Gamblers Anonymous room, talk to a counsellor, look at himself honestly?
I have a little saying. A hobby becomes a habit becomes a problem. Once gambling becomes a problem then it's normally used as an escape from other things in life, and that's what a lot of people struggle with. They stop gambling but they don't try to change themselves. Eventually the urges are too much or something will trigger you off and back to the safe place of gambling you go.
Ask him to come on here. Some GA rooms are now open, some will reopen soon. He could call and speak to the advisors on here. He needs to do it though, not you, although I admire you supporting him.
For me as a member of GA, it's complete abstience. I don't even call heads or tails. Life is better with not gambling.
Any questions please ask.
Chris.
Hi Emily
Im in recovery from gambling
I've handed my finances to family members at various times, it does help...
but during that time the person you are helping needs to help themselves via counselling removed link
to understand why they gamble and use new tools they have to adjust thought processes /actions,
we are inherently lazy as humans, and he needs to realise he must do some work towards his recovery...
ask him to allocate some time.... maybe a set time hrs every week.... nail it down as a proviso of your help..
and ask to see proof ... know its policing but he will need it for a bit and then will follow path on his own,,,,,
hope this helps and makes sense
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