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Am I going mad  

 
Anxious
(@anxious)

My husbands been gambling for the last few years. I’ve always known and whilst I hate it, at times he’s won some serious good amounts and I’ve put up with it for that reason. But we’re stuck in this endless routine of him winning, then loses it plus more, gets us in debt of some kind, excludes himself for a while, then does it again. It’s like living in Groundhog Day. Thing is, every time I ask him to stop he will for a while, and he promises he knows it’s wrong and he won’t do it again. But then here we are a few weeks or months later right back at it again. He knows how much anxiety and mistrust it gives me; yet he’s started saying that I’m the one obsessed with money. That it’s his money that he earns, he’s the one doing a job he hates to fund it. But we have joint everything. Joint accounts, savings and mortgage. How does he think it doesn’t affect me? When all I want is not more debt, to get rid of our debt, to maybe go on holiday or do work on the house? Surely that’s normal, not me being money obsessed?? What do I say to him to make him realise what this is doing to me too? He thinks I’m being unreasonable and unfair because he earns more than I do so technically it’s his money he’s betting. 
 I love him so much and he’s a brilliant husband and father in every other way. But this is just what our life is about now. Money and the constant chase of it. I don’t know what to do. I’m so worried and anxious all the time. But he doesn’t care 

Quote
Posted : 13th September 2021 3:57 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hello,

Welcome to the GamCare forum. I'm really glad that you have joined and I hope that you find the support and encouragement from other members here helpful.

It sounds as though you have been through a really stressful time. You are not alone in this and we are here to support you. You are very welcome to contact us on 0808 8020 133 or on Netline for a chat, and we can also discuss arranging free, regular one to one support sessions with a practitioner who specialises in supporting people affected by someone else's gambling. We are here 24 hours.

I understand your concern about your finances and would suggest that you consider using a separate personal bank account. I would also recommend having a look at this information from BeGambleAware, on how to protect your finances: https://www.begambleaware.org/looking-out-for-you.  

You might like to have a look at GamAnon, who hold in person and Zoom group supportive meetings for loved ones, and our group chatroom for partners, friends and family - every Monday at 11:30am for one hour.

I am also wondering if you have any family or friends you feel comfortable speaking to? It can really help to let someone close to you know how you are feeling.

It is important to consider your own wellbeing and to practice self-care. It might also be worth having a chat with your GP if you feel your husband's gambling is affecting your mental health. You may also find it helpful to speak with StepChange for free financial and debt advice. 

Please keep posting, we are here for you.

Best wishes,

Sophie

Forum Admin 

This post was modified 2 weeks ago 2 times by Forum admin
ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th September 2021 12:22 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hi... and welcome to the forum.

I am a compulsive gambler. I can appreciate your anxieties over what you describe.

From what you say, I don't think your husband has any intention to try and stop gambling. he just wants to stop losing like every other person that gambles and then once he has lost he wants his money back.... and so it goes on. From a personal perspective I do find it quite easy to forget the pain and anxiety of my losses, usually as soon as I have access to money again. The reality for most compulsive gamblers, me very much included is that this cycle can go on for many years before the gambler takes stock and makes more of a determined effort to try and stay stopped.

From your perspective I would strongly suggest having separate bank accounts. You don't have to have "joint everything". As an example, my sister has been with her fella for 30 years and has never had a joint bank account, but their relationship works fine. If he doesn't let you separate finances then this would be very controlling and selfish behaviour. Do what you need to do to protect yourself from the consequences of your husbands gambling. 

All the best with whatever you decide to do

 

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Posted : 17th September 2021 10:10 am
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